Last night was great.

Around 10:30 I had nursed Benjamin for, all totaled, over an hour, but he was still hungry, or acted that way, at any rate. So I had Donald give him roughly two ounces of breast milk I'd pumped earlier. He downed all of that and went to sleep.

And he slept until 3 a.m.!

At 3 a.m. I got him up, nursed on one side, had Donald change his diaper, nursed on the other side, laid him back down and he slept until. . .6? Ish.

At that point I got him up, put him in bed with us and nursed him on both sides again.

He slept until 9:10!

But then. . .

I nursed him on the left side. I had Donald change him. I nursed him on the right side. He just played on that side, never really nursed well. But he acted as though he was done, so I put him in his swing so that I could eat something for breakfast. He immediately began to scream. And nothing made him feel any better. Not the swing, not Donald holding him, not being burped. So I did it. I broke down.

I gave him a bottle of formula. (Well, I gave Donald the bottle of formula to give him.)

Two entire ounces he ate.

And now he is, seemingly, contented.

He's swinging in his swing, not asleep, eyes wide open, in fact, no pacifier, just hanging out. No screaming.

I don't understand what's going on. Either I don't have the milk or he isn't latching on correctly or maybe he has had enough of a bottle that he really isn't interested in working at the breast anymore. I just don't know. The midwives at the Birth Center have said that Hispanic babies are switched back and forth from breast to bottle from the start and don't seem to have any issues, so maybe it won't be a big deal with him either.

But I feel like such a. . .failure.

I want to breastfeed, I really do, but at the same time I don't want to be a human pacifier, and more importantly, I don't want him to be hungry.

I'll be very interested in what the lactation consultant has to say today. I hope she can help. I know that formula isn't going to kill him, but I mean, sheesh. . .nothing else has gone right--I didn't have the birth experience I'd hoped for, he had the whole bilirubin issue and we were out of the house everyday his first week of life to take him to someone who would stab his foot--at the very least I'd like for breastfeeding to work out.

P.S. Note to self: I opened the can of formula today, Saturday, 20 October. The can says to discard any unused powder in a month.