It's October 6th. Five days past my "ultrasound" due date. Eight days past my "calendar" due date. Since it would seem the ultrasound due date is the more accurate of the two, I'll go with that one as the official due date, but either way you look at it, I'M LATE!!!

And I'm extremely frustrated.

I just don't understand why things are not progressing. For three weeks now I've been exactly one centimeter dilated. Supposedly I am pretty well effaced, but effacement doesn't mean a thing without dilation. And of course I can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me! What is going on internally that is causing this whole process not to progress. And what would they have done about it 100 years ago, pre-inducing drugs and hospital intervention? Would I be facing the death of my child? Or me? Or both? Because at some point the womb becomes an unhealthy place and the baby becomes distressed. So what then?

I know come Monday that they'll start looking at such scenarios and trying to prevent them from occurring, but I can't help thinking the worst is going to happen. And I can't help thinking that somehow I'm defective. Here I am, Mrs. Fertility with the wide, child-birthing hips, but without the ability to actually go into labor. And all these months that I've been dreaming about my calm, serene birth-center birth are going to be just that, a dream. In the end I'm going to have to be strapped to a fetal monitor, flat on my back in a hospital bed with scores of strangers poking and prodding at my most intimate of body parts.

And of course there are fears about the baby. Is he going to be OK until they get around to sending me in for ultrasounds to determine the health of the placenta and the level of amniotic fluid? Is there something wrong with him already and that's the reason that I'm not dilating--there's a defect there that they haven't seen?

I'm scared.

And frustrated. And angry. And increasingly depressed.

I'm to the point to where I don't want to do anything except curl up on the couch and sleep so I don't have to think and worry. Unfortunately, sleep continues to be elusive due to achy knees and hips, an overburdened bladder, and as of this past weekend, a head cold.

I know that one day soon this all has to be over, one way or the other. But exactly how it's going to end is the mystery and it's driving me crazy thinking about it. Chances are I'm just being impatient and paranoid. . .but if so, I really can't help myself. Something just doesn't feel right. . .