A typical day in the life of four-month-old Benjamin:

0400-0430: Bottle, 5 oz. (Given by Daddy who, bless his heart, always gets up with you at this ungodly hour)
0700-0730: Wake up!
0800-0830: Bottle, 5-6 oz.
0900-1000: Down for a nap that usu. lasts for 1.5 hours
1130-1200: Two tablespoons cereal and 5-6 oz. formula
1230-1330: Down for another nap, lasts about a half-hour
1400-1500: Bottle, 5-6 oz.
1530-1600: Another nap, another half-hour
1700-1730: Bottle, 3-8 oz. (just depends)
1800-1830: Naps briefly
2000-2030: Bottle, 6-8 oz.

Start over.

I have officially, as of today, stopped pumping/breastfeeding. Completely.

On the one hand I'm happy and relieved. I hated pumping and I'm thrilled to know that never again do I have to hook my breasts up to that evil device. And it's nice not to have to worry about what medicines I can take or whether or not I can have a glass of wine before a certain time.

But on the other hand I'm terribly, terribly sad. This is the last time in my life that I will ever have the opportunity to provide breast milk for a child of mine (yeah, yeah, I know I said the same thing when I was breastfeeding Lizzie--don't go there!) and it's the end of an era that went by way too fast.

I am trying not to beat myself up too badly about the decision to stop, but it's hard. I feel selfish. Yes, pumping is awful. It's painful. And it's a complete pain in the !@#. But a good martyr. . .er. . .mom does what she has to do for her baby, right?

And then of course there's the whole thing about expectations. See, I had these expectations about how my life would be if/when I ever had another child (I'd quit work and stay at home in my lovely, self-cleaning, landscaped, Better Homes & Gardens decorated house until my child was at least in high school), and that didn't work out. And then I had these expectations about what my birth experience would be like, and that didn't pan out. And then I had expectations about what my breastfeeding experience would be like, and that didn't pan out. So I pumped. And it sucked (literally and figuratively). So that didn't really pan out either!

And now I feel guilty. And like a loser.

I can't get anything right.

Well, except my baby boy.

He's right.

As right as rain.

He's perfect.

And really, that's all that should count. And I know it. The rest is just. . .details. He's what's important and he's GREAT.

And I know that he's going to remain that way, no matter that I feed him formula now instead of breast milk.

I have to remind myself: I gave him four months of breast milk. That's more than a lot of babies ever get. And I tried hard to make it work out for a longer period of time, but it didn't and that's just how it is. And, bottom line, Benjamin is growing (oh so quickly!) and is going to be fine. I know this. It's just sometimes hard to remember.

We're back from our visit to the pediatrician's office.

You are 18.1 lbs.!!!!

And you are 25 inches long!

This puts you in the 95th percentile for weight and the 45th percentile for height.

You are, officially, a BIG boy!

Hard to believe that at one point they were worried about you losing weight. Ha! You sure showed them!

I think that you're not feeling well tonight due to the shots they gave you today. You're terribly grumpy. Nothing makes you happy tonight. I feel so badly for you, too. I can't seem to do anything to make you feel better. Hopefully this won't last long.

Dear Benjamin,
Happy FOUR MONTHS old!!

Wow! So hard for Mommy to believe that you're already FOUR MONTHS old!

When did it happen that you stopped being a newborn baby and turned into this. . .well, no longer newborn baby? This baby who can hold his head up and push up on his arms and give these big ol' belly laughs and turn himself over front to back and back to front again? We've been watching you the whole time, yet we seemed to have missed that turning point. It just kinda. . .happened.

So here you are. Four big months old. Rolling over in both directions, following our voices, seeing us when we're completely across the room, and trying out "solid food" (as of yesterday, when we gave you your first rice cereal meal). Amazing feats of motor skill and intellectual ability! You're growing so quickly. So terribly quickly.

Slow it down a little, would you?

No, I don't really mean that.

I don't want you to slow down. Nor do I want you to speed up. I'm perfectly happy having you just the way your are. It's all exciting and amazing to me, just as it was when your brother and your sister went through these stages, only this time I know, only too well, how fast the time flies and how fleeting the moments are, so I can appreciate it, hopefully, a little more this time around.

Ironic, I guess, that at this point in my life, while I might be financially better off than I ever have been, I'm busier than ever and have less time to give. I was dirt poor when your brother was born, yet managed to stay home with him for a full year. Same with your sister, except it was six months that I didn't work when I had her. But when I did return to work it was in the childcare field and she went with me. This time I have to go back to my corporate job, there's no getting around it. We need my salary. And, truth be told, there are certain aspects of my job that I enjoy (namely a sense of accomplishment and recognition). But as much as I might enjoy it, I'd rather be here with you and it makes me sad that I can't be. I hope that you'll understand and don't resent that I'm not here with you. At least you get to stay with your father during the day rather than go off to icky daycare.

And boy, does your Daddy love you! You're the light of his life, his heart, his raison d'etre. He loves you. . .well, more than I know how to quantify with words. I know that you are in the best possible hands when I leave you each day with him. He's all about you and I know that when you're with him you're well care for. I might be sad that I have to leave you, but I'm happy knowing that you're home with your father.

Speaking of which, tomorrow I don't have to go to work. I have taken off so that I can take you to the doctor's for your four month old well-check. I can't wait to find out how much weight you've gained, how tall (long?) you are, and how impressed the doctor is with all that you've accomplished over the past two months. You'll also get some shots while you're there. That part I'm not so happy about, as they'll hurt you and make you cry. But I have to remember that it's for the greater good--the diseases that the shots are protecting you from are far worse for you than the momentary feeling of pain is that comes from the shots themselves.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I love you silly boy funny bunny goofy doofy chicken nugget!

You make me happy.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Mommy

I meant also to post to document the fact that Benjamin can now roll from his back to his tummy. We haven't actually witnessed him doing this, but for the past three nights he's been put down on his back in his crib and when we've gone back to check on him he's been on his tummy.

Oh, yeah, I just wanted to quickly document that I had a bout of mastitis this week.

Wednesday night I awoke in the middle of the night with an awful pain in my left breast. I couldn't sleep it hurt so badly. I had to get up and pump (which of course made things hurt worse), apply hot compresses, and take Tylenol P.M. before I could get any rest.

I went to work Thursday, but by the time I got home that evening I was running a fever and felt as though I'd been hit by a Mack truck--every joint in my body ached. Fortunately I'd called the Birth Center earlier in the day and they had called in a prescription of antibiotics for me, which I'd picked up before coming home. I got in two of the four prescribed daily doses before I went to bed and by Friday morning I felt much, much better. Today there's still a tiny bit of soreness in the breast, but nothing like it felt on Thursday.

I'd have to rank mastitis fourth on my list of most physically painful experiences I've ever had (giving birth is number one, followed closely by wisdom tooth extraction and then root canal). Fortunately it responds quickly to antibiotics!

Well, as I said we would when I wrote on Monday, that very evening we started the "Ferber method" to help you learn to sleep. Now here we are, five evenings later, and I'm extraordinarily happy to report that things have gone absolutely swimmingly!

I had, naturally, figured that we would be in for a week from hell. But it really has been a relatively easy thing to do.

Your father began the process with nap time on Monday, which meant that I was at work during the roughest time--that first nap when he put you down, in your crib, by yourself, without a pacifier. I think he said that you cried for a total of 45 minutes that first time (with him going in every so often to try and comfort you, of course). But by the time that evening rolled around, you'd already had several nap time episodes to get you used to the idea of being basically on your own for sleepy time so you only cried for a little while before sleeping more or less through the night. Mommy was so afraid that you'd be completely inconsolable and that I would be overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow listening to you. But it wasn't like that at all, thank goodness. And you've progressively gotten better--i.e. you've been crying for less time--every day since. Tonight you went down without crying at all!!

I think we have almost gotten a routine figured out (at least for bed time--naps are another story): Around 8 p.m. you get dressed in your PJs. Then sometime between 8:15-8:45 you get a bottle. After that we go into your room and sit in your glidey chair and read a story. Then I sing you a song and put you in your bed. Like I said, until tonight you fussed some, but no more than 10 minutes. Tonight there was nary a peep out of you. Naturally we keep a nursery monitor in your room so we can hear you from our room and Daddy, bless his heart, gets up to give you your middle of the night bottle, which generally occurs around 2:30-3:00. He also hangs out on the couch listening to make sure you go back to bed. You generally go back down until somewhere around 6ish. This morning you slept until 7:30!

Life is good! Everyone is getting sleep!

Now we just have to work on naps. You haven't been napping well, waking like clockwork after only 30 minutes and sleeping for longer stretches only after we've gone somewhere in the van. But today, well, you actually took a decent afternoon nap, so maybe we're seeing some progress there, too.

But speaking of sleep, it's 9:45 p.m. Past Mommy's bedtime. Going to call it a night!

Love you, you sweet silly gorgeous SLEEPING baby boy!