Tonight I made the decision to stop pumping.

This means that soon you will be a bottle-fed formula baby instead of a bottle-fed breastmilk baby.

I am terribly torn about this decision and feeling rather sad about it. But at the same time I'm also feeling relieved.

I'm sad because I know breastmilk is best and stopping the pumping means stopping the breastmilk. I'm sad because I know that Benjamin is my last baby. This is my last time ever having the opportunity to breastfeed. I'm sad because nothing went like I wanted it to regarding the birth experience, so breastfeeding was my last shot at getting something right and I couldn't even do that. I'm sad that not giving breastmilk might mean a lower resistance to germs and he may get some raging infection and then I'll feel like the world's worse mother ever to live.

On the other hand. . .

I'm relieved that I don't have to plan how to live my life in three-hour increments so that I can either nurse or pump (mostly pump, since nursing just doesn't seem to be Benjamin's "thing"). I'm relieved that by giving a bottle exclusively I'll always know exactly when and how much he's had to eat, which might even lead to a SCHEDULE (that's an exciting concept all on its own). I'm relieved that after nearly a year I'll have my body back all to myself.

Basically, I'm a mixed-up bag of hormonally charged mommy-emotions. (Yeah, yeah, and what else is new.)

But I think that overall getting away from the pump and being able to live without constantly having to worry about how and when I can pump milk or, if I try to nurse, worry about whether he had enough and if I'll have to sit and nurse again in 30 minutes, will make me a better, less stressed out mommy. Certainly having a less stressed out mommy is the best thing for everyone.

Right?

Your first Christmas has come and gone, and we both managed to make it through relatively unscathed! (It was touch and go there for awhile though--you were, of course, the center of everyone's attention and all the noise and commotion was sometimes a little too much for you. And to be honest, for me, too, sometimes.)

Santa brought you blocks that make sounds when you shake them and this chair called a Bebe Pod that is for babies your age who can't sit on their own, and a Johnny Jump Up, which you're too small for right now but you'll soon be big enough to enjoy. Oh, and two books and four CDs and a bunch of stuff in your stocking (including a stuffed monkey that Daddy says looks a lot like you!). You got TONS of stuff. Between Santa and all of the family, you racked up your first Christmas. Your favorite toy so far is this big, plastic monstrosity that you lie under and bat at the dangling things hanging down. (I can't remember who gave it to you, Aunt Liz or Grandma Lovick.) It's electronic and makes a lot of noise, which I don't care for, but fortunately you have just as much with it with the sound off.

We had a fun Christmas.

But now it's all over and we've had a nice, quiet day-after-Christmas time, which has also been fun. (It's a cold, rainy day, which has made it even nicer to be able to stay home and do nothing.)

I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in a week I have to go back to work full-time. I'm super bummed about that. Even though I know you're going to be just fine staying at home with Daddy, I am still sad that's it's not me who gets to stay home with you. But there's not really any way possible to make that happen that I can see. Maybe if we sold our house and rented some place or bought something smaller and did away with a lot of "extras" that we have, such as a car or two, cell phones, cable, etc. we could conceivably make it without my income. But even then, we'd be without health insurance and that's not exactly something we can do without. So I really have no choice but to work. I'm sorry. I really am. I'd love to stay home with you. But like I said before and keep telling myself, it's not so bad because fortunately Daddy can run his business from home and can stay here with you, so at least you don't have to go to daycare. I think I'd probably have to commit myself if I had to put you in daycare at this point!

Well, you're waking up from your nap so I'll sign off here.

I love you bunches, mommy's punkin' head funny bunny bubble boy!!

Dear Benjamin,
It's the eve of your first Christmas. Already you're nestled all snug in your bed and it's just a matter of time until Santa comes.

Of course, you don't care anything at all about any of this. Not yet. Not this year. Next year, of course, it will be a different story. But this year you're too small to have any cares at all, unless it has to do with eating, sleeping, or diaper changing.

But no matter, Santa will still come to visit you, as he does all good little boys and girls. And you certainly qualify as a good boy. The best, as a matter of fact, at least in Mommy's humble opinion.

Although. . .

This evening you weren't so very good. Not that you were "bad," or anything, you just weren't your usual sweet little self.

We tried to take you over to Big John's house for Christmas eve dinner, but it was so hot and noisy and bright there, and you were already so tired that you quickly became overstimulated. And when you're overstimulated you're grumpy. And when you're feeling grumpy it makes Mommy sad and grumpy (not with you, but with the situation). So we left early. You promptly fell asleep in the van and stayed that way until Mommy woke you up to change your clothes and your diaper before putting you to bed. Now you're all cozy, fast asleep (well, maybe not fast, but asleep at least) and Mommy is feeling much less stressed too, sitting here with her glass of wine, posting in your blog. Life is good.

Of course, I'll need to go to bed, as well, pretty soon so's Santa can come.

I wonder what he's going to bring for you?! I can't wait to see and then to tell you all about it after tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, my sweet baby boy.

I love you!

Sorry I haven't posted lately. For some reason my time seems to be in short supply lately (hmmmm, wonder why that is?). :-)

Today is Saturday. The Saturday before xmas. Donald is at work, Lizzie is sick with a stomach virus, the baby is fussy, and I've sent William off to the grocery store to get popsicles and such for his sister.

Benjamin is currently in his swing making "light" fussy noises at me. These will soon escalate into "heavy" fussy noises. Yep. There he goes. BRB. . .

Back. Paci is in place, but this is only a short-term fix. I will have to go pick him up in just a moment. The swing is not where he wants to be.

Oop. . .gotta go!

Dear Benjamin Bunny,

Happy two months old!!

Some birthday present, though--we took you to the doctor's office where they gave you two shots! One in each leg. You cried! I cried! But at least now I don't have to worry about you contracting whooping cough, polio, or a bunch of other things that I can't even spell, so maybe it was a good present after all. At least in the long run.

You weighed in at 13 lbs. 9.5 ounces. This puts you in the 90th percentile for weight. You're a big boy!

You measured at 23.25 inches--70th percentile.

And you have a big head, too. It's 41 cm, or roughly 16 inches in circumference. This puts you in the 75th percentile for heads.

I had noticed over the past few weeks that the tip of your nose appeared to be bruised, so I mentioned it to the doctor today and he seems to think you have a cavernous hemangioma. This means that you have a bunch of blood vessels under the skin in the very tip of your nose that give your nose the bruised appearance. It's similar to a "strawberry" birthmark, only under the skin. Your pediatrician assures us this is nothing to worry about, but you know mommy. . .I'm going to worry. At least until we get you in to see the specialist at UNC who the pediatrician recommended we take you to.

Gotta run! You've had enough of your bouncy chair and it's time to find something else to entertain you with.

I love you baby boy! So, so, soooooo much! You're a beautiful, wonderful baby.

Again, happy two months old!

A quick update (for some reason I cannot seem to find the time to post these days! :-)

Two days ago you purposefully swatted at your hanging toys that we have strapped to your carseat handle. This is quite the milestone!

About five days ago you started sleeping through the night, though I do have to use the term loosely because you won't sleep for long unless you're in our bed. It seems that as long as you're touching me you're happy, but otherwise you're not going to sleep for any length of time.

We are more or less breastfeeding full-time. I still have some supply issues at night and generally you get a bottle then, but I've been able to pump enough during the day that you can at least get breast milk in the bottle.

OK, you're fussing and I have to go get you.

I love you!