Tonight I made the decision to stop pumping.

This means that soon you will be a bottle-fed formula baby instead of a bottle-fed breastmilk baby.

I am terribly torn about this decision and feeling rather sad about it. But at the same time I'm also feeling relieved.

I'm sad because I know breastmilk is best and stopping the pumping means stopping the breastmilk. I'm sad because I know that Benjamin is my last baby. This is my last time ever having the opportunity to breastfeed. I'm sad because nothing went like I wanted it to regarding the birth experience, so breastfeeding was my last shot at getting something right and I couldn't even do that. I'm sad that not giving breastmilk might mean a lower resistance to germs and he may get some raging infection and then I'll feel like the world's worse mother ever to live.

On the other hand. . .

I'm relieved that I don't have to plan how to live my life in three-hour increments so that I can either nurse or pump (mostly pump, since nursing just doesn't seem to be Benjamin's "thing"). I'm relieved that by giving a bottle exclusively I'll always know exactly when and how much he's had to eat, which might even lead to a SCHEDULE (that's an exciting concept all on its own). I'm relieved that after nearly a year I'll have my body back all to myself.

Basically, I'm a mixed-up bag of hormonally charged mommy-emotions. (Yeah, yeah, and what else is new.)

But I think that overall getting away from the pump and being able to live without constantly having to worry about how and when I can pump milk or, if I try to nurse, worry about whether he had enough and if I'll have to sit and nurse again in 30 minutes, will make me a better, less stressed out mommy. Certainly having a less stressed out mommy is the best thing for everyone.

Right?