Benjamin's first Thanksgiving has come and gone. The Christmas tree is up and decorated. Today I am officially off maternity leave and tomorrow I actually have to go into the office.

Wah!

Where did the time go?!

Benjamin was six weeks old on Thanksgiving day. He's growing so quickly! Nowadays he's all smiles and, occasionally, laughs. He has such a beautiful smile. It's wonderful to see.

One of his favorite things to do is to lie in his playpen and look at himself in the mirror. Same with his swing--he likes to gaze at himself in the mirrored surface that hangs above him there. He smiles and "talks" to the baby in the mirrors.

He's such a good baby. Rarely does he ever cry. In fact, the only time he actually cries is when he's eating and he's stopped to burp. If he's still hungry he gets completely offended at being stopped and lets out a wail, but otherwise he seldom voices any sounds of distress.

Last night he nearly slept through the night. I say nearly because had he slept in the place where he was put down (his bassinet), he'd have offically slept through, but because he woke up around 1:30 a.m. grousing until I put him in our bed I have to say that he nearly, but not quite, slept through. Beyond coming into my bed, though, he slept through until 5 a.m. He had a bottle at 10 p.m., was wrapped up and put into his bassinet around 10:30 p.m. and did not eat again until 5 a.m. I'm excited for him. And for me!

It's going to be so awful having to leave him tomorrow. I know, I might as well get used to it because come January I'll have to do it everyday, but still. . . I am not looking forward to any of it.

Someone is getting a little grouchy at the baby in the mirror now. I think I'll go rescue him!

It's 5:30 a.m.

Benjamin is swinging in his swing, hiccuping and staring at himself in the mirrored surface above him.

I took him out yesterday to Durham to have lunch with the group at the office. I hope that he hasn't picked up some bug--he seems to me to look a little "goopy" this a.m. His eyes are a little watery and when he was nursing earlier he sounded stuffy. Hopefully he's just sleepy. (I know I am!)

Speaking of nursing, I remain torn about the whole process. I'm still pumping for him, and supplementing with formula when I can't pump enough to keep up with him, but I've also, just this week, started trying to nurse him some. Monday it seemed that he was doing well with it: he nursed several times throughout the day and then slept soundly for hours afterwards. And Tuesday I tried the same tactic, but that evening after I nursed him he still took 5 ounces of expressed breast milk from the bottle, which indicated to me that something still isn't working. He's still not getting enough from me when he nurses. Although. . .throughout the night and in the early morning hours he seems to do just fine. So I don't know, I can't figure out what the deal is.

A part of me continues to be frustrated with it--the worrying, the pumping, the being unable to go for more than three hours at a time without either the baby or the pump, the logistical and strategic nightmare of trying to leave the house for any significant stretch of time and trying to determine how I'll feed him during that time--and wants to just stop altogether and go to formula because, in my mind, it's easiest and it will give me peace of mind that he's getting plenty of nutrients, all the time. But then I think about how we're going into flu season, how he is still so small and has a such an undeveloped immune system, and how good breast milk is for him in that regard, and then I feel so awful for even contemplating giving him formula when I have milk. Even if the process of getting it to him (i. e. pumping) is a pain in the ass sometimes.

Generally I get myself through this continual internal struggle by utilizing the AA tactic of "one day at a time." I tell myself that today I'll pump and nurse and I'll not to worry about what I'll do tomorrow. Tomorrow I might decide to go to formula and not pump and nurse, but today, I will do what it takes to continue to feed him breast milk.

It also helps when I remind myself that he's not going to be this small forever. That, in fact, this stage is going to be hard to remember very soon, because time flies and before I know it he's going to be all grown up, so I need to stop worrying so much and simply enjoy each and every fleeting moment of the here and now. And if it means spending some of that here and now time hooked up to a machine, pumping milk, well, I won't be doing it forever.

And speaking of here and now, he's falling asleep again. And he's so, so, so, so, sooooo darned cute doing it, too. Arms stretched out, fingers occasionally popping up, as though he's waving at someone in his dreams. Making little sleep noises around his pacifier. I just want to eat him up, he's so beautiful!

I think, though, that what I'll do instead is try to catch a little shut eye here on the couch while he's napping.

Before I forget, Benjamin is smiling. Has been for almost a week now. He doesn't do it regularly, but I do believe it's definitely a social smile versus just some random facial twitch because when he does it he is looking at me and it's generally in response to something silly I'm saying to him.

Oh, and he is batting at his hanging toy that hangs over his playpen. Donald has this on video. While it does seem awfully early for this, it's happened too often to just be an accident.

We took Benjamin in today for his one month well-baby check and he was declared the epitome of well-baby.

He weighed in at 10 lbs 14.5 ounces, surpassing his birth-weight. This makes his mommy ever so happy!

Speaking of weight gain. . .and eating. . . I have rented a hospital-grade pump to try and help increase my milk production during the day. But I can't really tell that it's a whole lot better than the electric pump I own. But I'll keep using it, at least for a month (which is the increment of time that one rents these things) and see how it goes.

I've really come to grips a lot more now with the whole breastfeeding--or lack thereof--issue. Bottom line is that Benjamin likes bottles. He likes boobies, too, but not for eating, only for comfort (unless it's the middle of the night and he's super hungry--he nurses fine then). So if he likes bottles, bottles he'll get. And I'll try my best to give him as much breast milk as I can in his bottle, but if the day comes that I can't do it anymore, it'll be OK. I have given him breast milk for his first month of life, which is a month longer than many woman do it, so every additional month--or day, or week--I can do it is great but I won't beat myself up about it if I can't do any longer.

So, let's see, what else?

I went to see a movie with William last week. We saw American Gangster. Donald stayed home with Benjamin. It was nice to get out and just be with William.

Donald is wonderful with Benjamin. And it's so nice having a child with someone who wants to be actively involved with the child.

All in all, I'm feeling much, much more settled and better overall. The hormones are under control, the feeding issues are gone, and there aren't any other health-related problems with either the baby or me.

Now I just wish I could devise a way to never have to go back to work, yet continue to bring home the same amount of money!

So between all the formula and expressed breast milk supplements, Benjamin managed to gain enough weight at his Thursday weigh-in that we no longer have to go in for additional weigh-ins. Yay!!

Of course now I am faced with the dilemma of how best to provide him with nutrition. Can I go back to exclusively breastfeeding? Or will that result in a weight loss again?

What I've done today, and what I suppose I'll have to continue doing, is a combination of nursing, syringe supplements, expressed milk in a bottle, and formula in a bottle.

For example, this a.m. I nursed him exclusively through the night and again at 7 a.m. But at 10 a.m. I had Donald give him a bottle of formula. He took all four ounces! Then around 12:30 p.m. I nursed him again. At 3 p.m. I nursed him but I also, at the same time, gave him a syringe of breast milk. At 6 p.m. (or whenever he next seems hungry) I'll let Donald give him a bottle of expressed milk and I'll pump while he's doing that. Next time I'll nurse him again and then also let Donald either give him the breast milk I manage to pump at 6:00, or I'll have him give him a bottle of formula.

I'm not sure where this is going to lead eventually. Will I continue to be able to pump and do this quasi-nursing thing, or will it one day come down to where he's doing more formula than anything? I'll just have to play it all by ear, I guess.

Truth be told, there's a certain amount of. . .what's the word? relief? to bottle feeding. I know exactly how much is going into his little belly at a given time. Also, I'm afforded a little more freedom in that I can let others feed him. Of course, I feel guilty even saying that, because it's not as though I want to be away from him or anything, but there is a sense of, again, relief in knowing that I am not it when it comes to being able to provide sustenance for him.

Anyway. . .

He's awake again. I won't be able to type much more right now, I'm guessing. (Donald had his vasectomy today and is couch-bound for the remainder of the day and Benjamin, if I had to guess, will want to eat again soon.)

In the meantime, in other, more fun news Benjamin seems to have a birthmark on the right side of his head, above his ear. He also makes loud grunting sounds that lead me to refer to him as "Franken-baby." He has a perfectly round head with a covering of peachy-fuzzy hair. Because of that I sometimes call him "my fuzzy cantaloupe head." (I also call him "moon-pie head" sometimes, simply because of the roundness of his little dome.)

Oh well, time to heat a bottle of breast milk I do believe!