Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, damn, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!!!!

The !@#$ing ultrasound has managed to only compound, not alleviate, my worries.

Oh, there's a little black blob in my uterus, which initially sounds pretty positive. BUT said little blob didn't have any blood flow (could just be one of those things, the way it's positioned, etc., nothing to worry about, or it could mean that the fetus isn't growing) AND it was elongated instead of round (could just be the way he was pulling on me, the angle he was viewing it, nothing to worry about, or it could mean that the fetus isn't growing).

Fan-damn-tastic.

And because I ovulated three eggs, there is still the possibility that something else is lurking somewhere else, someplace it shouldn't be, in there. It's just too early to be able to tell. But there was some fluid around my left ovary, which could be nothing, could be blood from an ectopic pregnancy. . .

Blah, blah, blah.

Basically I know NOTHING, except that anything is possible, it would seem. Could be viably pregnant; might not be viably pregnant. Could have another tubal pregnancy, on top of whatever is in my uterus; might not have a tubal pregnancy.

And I don't go back until NEXT MONDAY!!

An entire seven days of waiting and worrying.

And I know full well it does me no good to worry, but what the hell else can I do? I can't drink, I can't smoke, and I can't even take my Wellbutrin! I can't think about anything besides this. And whatever is going on inside of me, it's causing my hormones to go crazy and I alternate between feeling overwhelmingly depressed and completely enraged.

I've never had these issues before. I've always just gotten pregnant and had a baby! Simple as that. No problems, no worries.

The hardest part of this is, of course, that I have absolutely no control over the situation at all. There's nothing I can do except sit and wait. And hope. And worry.

Shit!

I do know this: if this doesn't turn out to be a viable pregnancy, I'm not trying again. This is it. No more. I've tried and if I fail, I fail for good. I've got enough going on, I don't need this, I don't want this. Don't get me wrong, I want the baby, if there is a baby, but if there isn't, if it doesn't work out, I'm not going back through all of this again.

Decision made.