Tonight I made the decision to stop pumping.

This means that soon you will be a bottle-fed formula baby instead of a bottle-fed breastmilk baby.

I am terribly torn about this decision and feeling rather sad about it. But at the same time I'm also feeling relieved.

I'm sad because I know breastmilk is best and stopping the pumping means stopping the breastmilk. I'm sad because I know that Benjamin is my last baby. This is my last time ever having the opportunity to breastfeed. I'm sad because nothing went like I wanted it to regarding the birth experience, so breastfeeding was my last shot at getting something right and I couldn't even do that. I'm sad that not giving breastmilk might mean a lower resistance to germs and he may get some raging infection and then I'll feel like the world's worse mother ever to live.

On the other hand. . .

I'm relieved that I don't have to plan how to live my life in three-hour increments so that I can either nurse or pump (mostly pump, since nursing just doesn't seem to be Benjamin's "thing"). I'm relieved that by giving a bottle exclusively I'll always know exactly when and how much he's had to eat, which might even lead to a SCHEDULE (that's an exciting concept all on its own). I'm relieved that after nearly a year I'll have my body back all to myself.

Basically, I'm a mixed-up bag of hormonally charged mommy-emotions. (Yeah, yeah, and what else is new.)

But I think that overall getting away from the pump and being able to live without constantly having to worry about how and when I can pump milk or, if I try to nurse, worry about whether he had enough and if I'll have to sit and nurse again in 30 minutes, will make me a better, less stressed out mommy. Certainly having a less stressed out mommy is the best thing for everyone.

Right?

Your first Christmas has come and gone, and we both managed to make it through relatively unscathed! (It was touch and go there for awhile though--you were, of course, the center of everyone's attention and all the noise and commotion was sometimes a little too much for you. And to be honest, for me, too, sometimes.)

Santa brought you blocks that make sounds when you shake them and this chair called a Bebe Pod that is for babies your age who can't sit on their own, and a Johnny Jump Up, which you're too small for right now but you'll soon be big enough to enjoy. Oh, and two books and four CDs and a bunch of stuff in your stocking (including a stuffed monkey that Daddy says looks a lot like you!). You got TONS of stuff. Between Santa and all of the family, you racked up your first Christmas. Your favorite toy so far is this big, plastic monstrosity that you lie under and bat at the dangling things hanging down. (I can't remember who gave it to you, Aunt Liz or Grandma Lovick.) It's electronic and makes a lot of noise, which I don't care for, but fortunately you have just as much with it with the sound off.

We had a fun Christmas.

But now it's all over and we've had a nice, quiet day-after-Christmas time, which has also been fun. (It's a cold, rainy day, which has made it even nicer to be able to stay home and do nothing.)

I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in a week I have to go back to work full-time. I'm super bummed about that. Even though I know you're going to be just fine staying at home with Daddy, I am still sad that's it's not me who gets to stay home with you. But there's not really any way possible to make that happen that I can see. Maybe if we sold our house and rented some place or bought something smaller and did away with a lot of "extras" that we have, such as a car or two, cell phones, cable, etc. we could conceivably make it without my income. But even then, we'd be without health insurance and that's not exactly something we can do without. So I really have no choice but to work. I'm sorry. I really am. I'd love to stay home with you. But like I said before and keep telling myself, it's not so bad because fortunately Daddy can run his business from home and can stay here with you, so at least you don't have to go to daycare. I think I'd probably have to commit myself if I had to put you in daycare at this point!

Well, you're waking up from your nap so I'll sign off here.

I love you bunches, mommy's punkin' head funny bunny bubble boy!!

Dear Benjamin,
It's the eve of your first Christmas. Already you're nestled all snug in your bed and it's just a matter of time until Santa comes.

Of course, you don't care anything at all about any of this. Not yet. Not this year. Next year, of course, it will be a different story. But this year you're too small to have any cares at all, unless it has to do with eating, sleeping, or diaper changing.

But no matter, Santa will still come to visit you, as he does all good little boys and girls. And you certainly qualify as a good boy. The best, as a matter of fact, at least in Mommy's humble opinion.

Although. . .

This evening you weren't so very good. Not that you were "bad," or anything, you just weren't your usual sweet little self.

We tried to take you over to Big John's house for Christmas eve dinner, but it was so hot and noisy and bright there, and you were already so tired that you quickly became overstimulated. And when you're overstimulated you're grumpy. And when you're feeling grumpy it makes Mommy sad and grumpy (not with you, but with the situation). So we left early. You promptly fell asleep in the van and stayed that way until Mommy woke you up to change your clothes and your diaper before putting you to bed. Now you're all cozy, fast asleep (well, maybe not fast, but asleep at least) and Mommy is feeling much less stressed too, sitting here with her glass of wine, posting in your blog. Life is good.

Of course, I'll need to go to bed, as well, pretty soon so's Santa can come.

I wonder what he's going to bring for you?! I can't wait to see and then to tell you all about it after tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, my sweet baby boy.

I love you!

Sorry I haven't posted lately. For some reason my time seems to be in short supply lately (hmmmm, wonder why that is?). :-)

Today is Saturday. The Saturday before xmas. Donald is at work, Lizzie is sick with a stomach virus, the baby is fussy, and I've sent William off to the grocery store to get popsicles and such for his sister.

Benjamin is currently in his swing making "light" fussy noises at me. These will soon escalate into "heavy" fussy noises. Yep. There he goes. BRB. . .

Back. Paci is in place, but this is only a short-term fix. I will have to go pick him up in just a moment. The swing is not where he wants to be.

Oop. . .gotta go!

Dear Benjamin Bunny,

Happy two months old!!

Some birthday present, though--we took you to the doctor's office where they gave you two shots! One in each leg. You cried! I cried! But at least now I don't have to worry about you contracting whooping cough, polio, or a bunch of other things that I can't even spell, so maybe it was a good present after all. At least in the long run.

You weighed in at 13 lbs. 9.5 ounces. This puts you in the 90th percentile for weight. You're a big boy!

You measured at 23.25 inches--70th percentile.

And you have a big head, too. It's 41 cm, or roughly 16 inches in circumference. This puts you in the 75th percentile for heads.

I had noticed over the past few weeks that the tip of your nose appeared to be bruised, so I mentioned it to the doctor today and he seems to think you have a cavernous hemangioma. This means that you have a bunch of blood vessels under the skin in the very tip of your nose that give your nose the bruised appearance. It's similar to a "strawberry" birthmark, only under the skin. Your pediatrician assures us this is nothing to worry about, but you know mommy. . .I'm going to worry. At least until we get you in to see the specialist at UNC who the pediatrician recommended we take you to.

Gotta run! You've had enough of your bouncy chair and it's time to find something else to entertain you with.

I love you baby boy! So, so, soooooo much! You're a beautiful, wonderful baby.

Again, happy two months old!

A quick update (for some reason I cannot seem to find the time to post these days! :-)

Two days ago you purposefully swatted at your hanging toys that we have strapped to your carseat handle. This is quite the milestone!

About five days ago you started sleeping through the night, though I do have to use the term loosely because you won't sleep for long unless you're in our bed. It seems that as long as you're touching me you're happy, but otherwise you're not going to sleep for any length of time.

We are more or less breastfeeding full-time. I still have some supply issues at night and generally you get a bottle then, but I've been able to pump enough during the day that you can at least get breast milk in the bottle.

OK, you're fussing and I have to go get you.

I love you!

Benjamin's first Thanksgiving has come and gone. The Christmas tree is up and decorated. Today I am officially off maternity leave and tomorrow I actually have to go into the office.

Wah!

Where did the time go?!

Benjamin was six weeks old on Thanksgiving day. He's growing so quickly! Nowadays he's all smiles and, occasionally, laughs. He has such a beautiful smile. It's wonderful to see.

One of his favorite things to do is to lie in his playpen and look at himself in the mirror. Same with his swing--he likes to gaze at himself in the mirrored surface that hangs above him there. He smiles and "talks" to the baby in the mirrors.

He's such a good baby. Rarely does he ever cry. In fact, the only time he actually cries is when he's eating and he's stopped to burp. If he's still hungry he gets completely offended at being stopped and lets out a wail, but otherwise he seldom voices any sounds of distress.

Last night he nearly slept through the night. I say nearly because had he slept in the place where he was put down (his bassinet), he'd have offically slept through, but because he woke up around 1:30 a.m. grousing until I put him in our bed I have to say that he nearly, but not quite, slept through. Beyond coming into my bed, though, he slept through until 5 a.m. He had a bottle at 10 p.m., was wrapped up and put into his bassinet around 10:30 p.m. and did not eat again until 5 a.m. I'm excited for him. And for me!

It's going to be so awful having to leave him tomorrow. I know, I might as well get used to it because come January I'll have to do it everyday, but still. . . I am not looking forward to any of it.

Someone is getting a little grouchy at the baby in the mirror now. I think I'll go rescue him!

It's 5:30 a.m.

Benjamin is swinging in his swing, hiccuping and staring at himself in the mirrored surface above him.

I took him out yesterday to Durham to have lunch with the group at the office. I hope that he hasn't picked up some bug--he seems to me to look a little "goopy" this a.m. His eyes are a little watery and when he was nursing earlier he sounded stuffy. Hopefully he's just sleepy. (I know I am!)

Speaking of nursing, I remain torn about the whole process. I'm still pumping for him, and supplementing with formula when I can't pump enough to keep up with him, but I've also, just this week, started trying to nurse him some. Monday it seemed that he was doing well with it: he nursed several times throughout the day and then slept soundly for hours afterwards. And Tuesday I tried the same tactic, but that evening after I nursed him he still took 5 ounces of expressed breast milk from the bottle, which indicated to me that something still isn't working. He's still not getting enough from me when he nurses. Although. . .throughout the night and in the early morning hours he seems to do just fine. So I don't know, I can't figure out what the deal is.

A part of me continues to be frustrated with it--the worrying, the pumping, the being unable to go for more than three hours at a time without either the baby or the pump, the logistical and strategic nightmare of trying to leave the house for any significant stretch of time and trying to determine how I'll feed him during that time--and wants to just stop altogether and go to formula because, in my mind, it's easiest and it will give me peace of mind that he's getting plenty of nutrients, all the time. But then I think about how we're going into flu season, how he is still so small and has a such an undeveloped immune system, and how good breast milk is for him in that regard, and then I feel so awful for even contemplating giving him formula when I have milk. Even if the process of getting it to him (i. e. pumping) is a pain in the ass sometimes.

Generally I get myself through this continual internal struggle by utilizing the AA tactic of "one day at a time." I tell myself that today I'll pump and nurse and I'll not to worry about what I'll do tomorrow. Tomorrow I might decide to go to formula and not pump and nurse, but today, I will do what it takes to continue to feed him breast milk.

It also helps when I remind myself that he's not going to be this small forever. That, in fact, this stage is going to be hard to remember very soon, because time flies and before I know it he's going to be all grown up, so I need to stop worrying so much and simply enjoy each and every fleeting moment of the here and now. And if it means spending some of that here and now time hooked up to a machine, pumping milk, well, I won't be doing it forever.

And speaking of here and now, he's falling asleep again. And he's so, so, so, so, sooooo darned cute doing it, too. Arms stretched out, fingers occasionally popping up, as though he's waving at someone in his dreams. Making little sleep noises around his pacifier. I just want to eat him up, he's so beautiful!

I think, though, that what I'll do instead is try to catch a little shut eye here on the couch while he's napping.

Before I forget, Benjamin is smiling. Has been for almost a week now. He doesn't do it regularly, but I do believe it's definitely a social smile versus just some random facial twitch because when he does it he is looking at me and it's generally in response to something silly I'm saying to him.

Oh, and he is batting at his hanging toy that hangs over his playpen. Donald has this on video. While it does seem awfully early for this, it's happened too often to just be an accident.

We took Benjamin in today for his one month well-baby check and he was declared the epitome of well-baby.

He weighed in at 10 lbs 14.5 ounces, surpassing his birth-weight. This makes his mommy ever so happy!

Speaking of weight gain. . .and eating. . . I have rented a hospital-grade pump to try and help increase my milk production during the day. But I can't really tell that it's a whole lot better than the electric pump I own. But I'll keep using it, at least for a month (which is the increment of time that one rents these things) and see how it goes.

I've really come to grips a lot more now with the whole breastfeeding--or lack thereof--issue. Bottom line is that Benjamin likes bottles. He likes boobies, too, but not for eating, only for comfort (unless it's the middle of the night and he's super hungry--he nurses fine then). So if he likes bottles, bottles he'll get. And I'll try my best to give him as much breast milk as I can in his bottle, but if the day comes that I can't do it anymore, it'll be OK. I have given him breast milk for his first month of life, which is a month longer than many woman do it, so every additional month--or day, or week--I can do it is great but I won't beat myself up about it if I can't do any longer.

So, let's see, what else?

I went to see a movie with William last week. We saw American Gangster. Donald stayed home with Benjamin. It was nice to get out and just be with William.

Donald is wonderful with Benjamin. And it's so nice having a child with someone who wants to be actively involved with the child.

All in all, I'm feeling much, much more settled and better overall. The hormones are under control, the feeding issues are gone, and there aren't any other health-related problems with either the baby or me.

Now I just wish I could devise a way to never have to go back to work, yet continue to bring home the same amount of money!

So between all the formula and expressed breast milk supplements, Benjamin managed to gain enough weight at his Thursday weigh-in that we no longer have to go in for additional weigh-ins. Yay!!

Of course now I am faced with the dilemma of how best to provide him with nutrition. Can I go back to exclusively breastfeeding? Or will that result in a weight loss again?

What I've done today, and what I suppose I'll have to continue doing, is a combination of nursing, syringe supplements, expressed milk in a bottle, and formula in a bottle.

For example, this a.m. I nursed him exclusively through the night and again at 7 a.m. But at 10 a.m. I had Donald give him a bottle of formula. He took all four ounces! Then around 12:30 p.m. I nursed him again. At 3 p.m. I nursed him but I also, at the same time, gave him a syringe of breast milk. At 6 p.m. (or whenever he next seems hungry) I'll let Donald give him a bottle of expressed milk and I'll pump while he's doing that. Next time I'll nurse him again and then also let Donald either give him the breast milk I manage to pump at 6:00, or I'll have him give him a bottle of formula.

I'm not sure where this is going to lead eventually. Will I continue to be able to pump and do this quasi-nursing thing, or will it one day come down to where he's doing more formula than anything? I'll just have to play it all by ear, I guess.

Truth be told, there's a certain amount of. . .what's the word? relief? to bottle feeding. I know exactly how much is going into his little belly at a given time. Also, I'm afforded a little more freedom in that I can let others feed him. Of course, I feel guilty even saying that, because it's not as though I want to be away from him or anything, but there is a sense of, again, relief in knowing that I am not it when it comes to being able to provide sustenance for him.

Anyway. . .

He's awake again. I won't be able to type much more right now, I'm guessing. (Donald had his vasectomy today and is couch-bound for the remainder of the day and Benjamin, if I had to guess, will want to eat again soon.)

In the meantime, in other, more fun news Benjamin seems to have a birthmark on the right side of his head, above his ear. He also makes loud grunting sounds that lead me to refer to him as "Franken-baby." He has a perfectly round head with a covering of peachy-fuzzy hair. Because of that I sometimes call him "my fuzzy cantaloupe head." (I also call him "moon-pie head" sometimes, simply because of the roundness of his little dome.)

Oh well, time to heat a bottle of breast milk I do believe!

I haven't written in a few days. Mainly because I was under the (mistaken) impression that all was well and there just wasn't much to write about. Ha! I shoulda known better!

We have just returned from yet another trip to the doctor's office (it's simply a miracle that he hasn't caught some awful cold from all the waiting rooms he's been in during his three weeks on the outside now) where we have learned that not only did he not gain weight since his visit last Thursday, he actually has lost a 1/2 ounce.

Donald says not to worry, that a 1/2 ounce is nothing. But it is something. . .it means he hasn't gained anything and in nearly five days he should have gained weight, not lost it.

So the doc's LC gave me this syringe with a little tube that I'm supposed to run down into his mouth while he nurses that will provide him with formula supplementation. I'm to do this every other time we nurse today and then at least four times tomorrow, then it's back to the doc on Thursday for another weight check.

I'm not sure what to do on Thursday if he has gained weight. Do I continue to supplement with the formula? I would assume, since it would seem that it was the formula and not my breastmilk that caused him to gain. But if that's the case, why keep trying to breastfeed? What's the point if he's not nursing enough to gain weight?

Grrrrrr. I'm so frustrated. And worried. Why won't he gain weight? Why is he having trouble nursing? Why doesn't he poop? Why, why, why?

As for me, I'm feeling much more human.

Benjamin's lovely nighttime schedule is allowing me to get a goodly amount of sleep. I have lost almost all of my baby weight (still have about 20 lbs I want to lose, but I had that before I got pregnant). I can wear all of my rings now, even my engagement ring. And I'm wearing a pair of my "regular" jeans. Granted they are made with stretchy material in them, but still, they're ON and that's what counts!

Yesterday Benjamin was two weeks old.

We went to the pediatrician's at 9 a.m. for his two week check up. He's gained weight well since his last visit, so no more grief from the doc or the LC there about supplements or anything else. He had not, as of our visit, pooped in five days, so we were concerned about that and the doc said we could try a 1/2 of a glycerin suppository, but lo and behold last night he did the deed all on his own. We were ecstatic! Now if he'll just do that a little more often than once every five days. . .

Yesterday afternoon we went back to the urologists for his circumcision follow up. Everything looked good there.

On the way home from that appointment he got extremely fussy in the car. We stopped so I could nurse him, and he calmed down, but as soon as we got back on our way, he started fussing again. I ended up hovering over him so he could nurse while being strapped in his car seat. Not the most comfortable of nursing positions.

So during the day we still don't have a schedule of any sort worked out. Sometimes he goes for three hours without nursing, sometimes he gets all worked up and I'm nursing him every hour or hour and 1/2. I still worry about supply and still think sometimes that going to a bottle would be better--at least then I'd have numbers to go by--but I'm trying to stick with it a few more weeks to see how things pan out. By the time he's a month to a month and 1/2 I figure that we should start seeing more of a pattern to his nursing habits and if, at that point, it still seems as though I can't go more than a few minutes between nursing him, I may decide to switch to bottles.

Nights, on the other hand, are going rather well (knock on wood). I nurse him around 10 p.m. and then Donald gives him a couple of ounces in a bottle of either expressed milk (if I've been able to pump during the day) or formula. Makes him full as a tick and he sleeps for at least four or five hours. In fact, this a.m. he probably would have slept longer had I not gotten him up and sort of forced him to nurse while in bed with me.

So while that part is going well, I still don't see how people who have small children manage this (breastfeeding in the beginning). Lizzie and William are older and certainly less demanding (most times) than toddlers and I still feel as though I'm being unfair to them by being constantly tied down to nursing. I'm already stressing out about how I'm going to manage attending Lizzie's cheer leading awards stuff. That's where bottle feeding would be nice. And again, the numbers on the bottle would indicate exactly how much he's eating so I wouldn't wonder whether or not he's getting enough.

Oh well, we'll just have to see how it goes.

(True confessions: There's also some selfish motivation for wanting to continue nursing--it does burn calories and helps with weight loss.)

Right now we have to get ready to go over to Willa's. We're going to be there with her while she puts her cat down. Sad stuff. But I couldn't see letting her go it alone. Hopefully Benjamin's belly will cooperate with this effort.

Today was appointment day.

Mine at 11:00 a.m. in Chapel Hill (everything was fine--oh, and Benjamin had his hearing test and that, too, was fine), and then a consultation with a urologist in Cary at 2:30 p.m. for Donald (vasectomy!).

Benjamin more or less slept through the entire day, strapped in his carseat. In between the appointments we stopped at Regency Park so I could nurse him midday and then we had lunch at some icky coffee shop in MacGregor Village.

As far as nursing goes in general, Benjamin nursed last night around 10:00 and then Donald gave him the ounce and 1/2 of breastmilk I had pumped earlier, which he quickly downed. He slept until 2:40 a.m., at which time I got up, nursed him on the left (he went to sleep almost immediatley), changed his diaper, nursed him on the right (again, almost immediatley to sleep), and we went back to bed. He awoke again around. . .5? I put him in bed with me and nursed on one side, and we both fell back asleep until 7ish, when I rolled over and let him nurse on the other side. We slept that time until 9:00 a.m.

I suppose I need to stop putting him in bed with me, but it's soooo nice to be able to sleep. We'll see how it goes this a.m.

I had Donald give him a bottle of formula after our 9:00 a.m. nursing session this a.m. and he drank about an ounce and 1/2 and seemed very contented afterwards. I haven't done any further supplementing today, but will have Donald give him a bottle at his next feeding tonight, which should be around 10 p.m. I would have pumped today, but we were gone so much it was impossible.

Otherwise, what's going on? Let's see. . .

Benjamin's head control is improving. Amazingly so. He can hold it up and look around when on his tummy. And when I hold him in a sitting position to burp him, he holds his head steady then for quite some time.

Oh, and he is a very vocal baby. Lots of grunts, squeaks, and other noises, all the time. Lots of funny faces, too, to go with the noises. I need to get some video of him doing his thing. I wonder if this is an indication of how he'll be when he's older?

Tomorrow we have another visit scheduled with Cindi, the LC. This is all re: the fact that Benjamin didn't gain weight between his doctor visits. It will be interesting to see what her scales show. I personally think he's doing OK. . .but we'll see.

More tomorrow. . .

(This is something I posted on trianglemommies.com that I wanted to save here. Several mommies posted to add some pretty important points to it, but this is just my original post.)

If I wrote etiquette books. . .

This is what I would have to say about visiting new mommies and babies (granted at this moment I'm grumpy and sleep deprived, but I think that this will hold true even after I get some sleep--if that day ever occurs!):

1. Never, ever, ever show up uninvited. Also, never call and simply announce that you are coming. Unless you have been invited by the new mom herself, stay home.

2. Never call the house phone. It cannot be put on vibrate. Call the cell phone. If you don't get an answer or a call back, don't be offended. If the new mom does answer, don't try to talk to her about your problems. In fact, don't keep her on the phone for any reason, no matter what it is. Ask if you can come over, if she says yes, hang up. Ditto if she says no (except before you hang up, be sure to say that you completely understand and you hope she gets some rest).

3. If you have been invited over, unless you are planning to clean the kitchen, do laundry, or complete some other much needed household task, DO NOT STAY for longer than 10 minutes. If you do, in fact, help out around the house, do so quietly and plan to leave directly afterwards.

4. Bring food. Preferably casseroles or other things that are quick and easy to heat and eat.

5. If you do bring food, bring it such that you can leave it. Do not, under any circumstances, assume that the new mom and dad will want to eat with you while you're there.

6. Do NOT bring children under the age of five.

7. If you must bring children under the age of five, make sure to bring your S.O. and that you have worked out beforehand who is to supervise the child, as it is not cool to let him/her run freely throughout the new mom's house, thus stressing her out even more than she already is. Also, it is absolutely critical that you adhere to the 10 minute rule in this case! (Which unfortunately my friends did not do, staying for nearly two hours while their three year old ran amok.)

Yep, just when I thought things were going well, what do I do? I haul Benjamin off to the pediatrician's office to get his weight. Assuming, of course, the entire time that he's gained tons and that we are finally going to be pronounced completely healthy and normal. But naturally, that doesn't happen. Instead I find out that he's exactly the same weight, 9.85, that he was as the last time he was there (the 16th, six days ago now) and I get stuck with Dr. Personality (first name is No), who asked me numerous times, in spite of getting the exact same response from me each time, whether or not my milk was in and if Benjamin was eating at least every three hours (answers: yes and yes).

Something else to worry about. . .

Yesterday was a good day and things seem to be ironing themselves out in general.

Benjamin is nursing a lot better and being fussy a lot less. I'm getting some sleep (he slept from ~10:15 p.m. until 2:50 a.m. and I was able to get to sleep around 11 p.m.. When he woke up at 2:50 a.m. I was awake for about an hour, I guess, but then we all went back to sleep and slept until 6 something, at that point I nursed him in bed and then we slept until 9 a.m., so all totaled I got something like 9 hours of sleep!)

He is not, unfortunately, a big fan of his swing, as my other two were. He'll hang out in it for awhile, but it's not the continued source of soothing that it was to William and Elizabeth. Benjamin would much rather be held. Of course, then if you're holding him, he'd like to be nursed, too. But that's OK, this too shall pass I know. In the meantime, the daytime hours are a bit challenging, as I can't just hold and nurse constantly.

I have ordered a DVD and book entitled Happiest Baby on the Block that the mommies on the Triangle forum recommended. Supposedly it contains a lot of good ideas on helping babies help soothe themselves. Wish it would hurry and get here!

We don't have anything on today's agenda except to go to the pediatrician's office for a weight check on their scales. According to Cindi's scales, he'd actually lost a bit of weight, but I'm hoping that was just a difference in scales. We'll see this afternoon.

The rest of this week we have appts everyday. Tomorrow is Chapel Hill for me and Cary Urology for Donald (vasectomy time!). Wednesday I have an appt to talk to a Coast Guard recruiter with William and then Lizzie has an orthodontist appt. Thursday we follow up with Raleigh Urology on Benjamin's circumcision. Friday he has his two week check up.

*Whew*

It's going to be one of THOSE weeks!

But at least I have some sleep this time, and the weather looks like it'll be nice.

Benjamin's feeding times for the day (beginning Saturday, 20 October):

3:15 am: nursed
6:00 am: nursed
9:10 am: nursed
10:00 am: 2 oz. of formula
11:30 am: nursed
2:30 p.m.: nursed
4:00: nursed
5:15: nursed
8:15: nursed
*9:35: nursed
12:00 a.m.: nursed
2:00 a.m.: nursed
5:00 a.m.: nursed
8:20 a.m.: nursed
9:35 a.m.: nursed
10:40 a.m.: nursed

2:35 p.m.: nursed


*The 9:35 p.m. feeding was basically a continuation of the 8:15 session. When I nursed him at 8:15 we stopped for a diaper change, nursed some more, then stopped to put his clothes and his swaddle blanket on, then nursed. He finally stopped nursing around 10:15 and slept then until midnight.

So Cindi (Freeman is her last name) has come and gone.

And I'm feeling so much better about things. (Well, at least breastfeeding things--I'm still feeling a little weepy in general, but Donald has gone off to fetch the prescription of Zoloft that the Birth Center called in last night so hopefully I'll start feeling better all the way around here soon.)

Cindi was so gentle and kind and patient and she LISTENED to me. And best of all, she said that she thought things looked really good. That we both, Benjamin and I, seemed to be performing our individual parts well with regards to nursing.

Bottom line, though, is that I need to build up my milk supply and the best way to do that is to nurse. So what she has recommended for today is a "baby/breastfeeding honeymoon" of sorts: Stay in bed, lots of skin to skin contact, lots of nursing. And if tonight he does his "I'm still hungry" thing, give him a supplemental bottle of either expressed milk (providing I pump some today) or formula. (I'm so glad she said that--I was afraid that she'd be a breastfeeding nazi, as many LCs are, and would say "NO BOTTLE FOR YOU!" and would make me feel really badly about the bottles he's already had, but she isn't/didn't and instead was really cool about being flexible.)

So I'm going to do the stay in bed thing (with lots of sunshine and lights so that I don't get depressed) and see what happens.

Whatever happens, right now I feel better, and that's nice.

Maybe I will get through this!