The Benjamin Blog (formerly known as "Blob Blog")

2010-10-11T23:10:00.002-04:00

It's your third birthday.

Wow. Just...wow. Three already?! Honestly, it doesn't seem as though three entire years have passed already since your birth. One thousand and ninety-five days. What happened to them all?!!!

I find myself really paying attention lately. Because I know that each day is fleeting. Every moment is to be cherished and recognized as an occasion that will never again occur. When you were born I felt as though you'd always be a demanding infant. Even though I'd had children already...it seemed to me then that what was was what would be forever. And my logical self couldn't reason my emotional self out of that perception. Then, suddenly, I realized...things had changed. You weren't a baby any longer. But...when did that happen? I must not have been looking.

But here you are. Three years old. Your vocabulary is at this point immeasurable. You know more words than I can count. You approach new situations and experiences without reservation. You express sheer joy. As well as sheer disappointment and sadness. Your ignorance and naivete are admirable qualities. In most cases, you assume that what you see is what you'll get. In other cases, you assume that what you can't see is what you'll get. You're enviably imaginative. Lately you've been hanging out with invisible friends. Sometimes it's Bitzer. Other times it's the Farmer. Or Shirley. Or just a stray doggie.

Speaking of doggies...we bought you a standard poodle for your birthday in hopes that you and she would become bosom buddies. So far your dog has proven only to be a neurotic paranoid. But she's new, just off the farm. So we hold out hope that this relationship will be all that it was presumed it would be.

Some things you say, or have said, that deserve mention:

"My" do/did/have/want it.

"Alligator" = Elevator and/or escalator

"Where's Benjamin?" (covers eyes, nothing else).

"Why?" (Started about a month ago...asked incessantly. No sign of abating.)

"My doos it." (Doos = does/did)

There are so many more. I need to make a concerted effort to write them down. But at this point...it's 11:30 p.m. and I'm tired. Your father is lying beside me snoring. And the dog is into something it ought not to be.

I love you, Sweet Boy. Your existence brings me joy. And hope. I love you more than life.

Happy birthday my awesome son. I love you completely.

2009-10-11T20:44:00.005-04:00

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just say, "Wow!"

Wow!

Two. Two whole, entire years. Already. Just...wow.

Last year at this time you weren't even walking. Now you're running, climbing, talking, dancing, singing! So many changes in such a short period of time.

The time is flying by and it's like...it's like...being on a roller coaster. Thrilling and nauseating all at the same time. Thrilling because each day is something new. A new skill, a new development, phrase, a new reason to smile, to laugh. Nauseating because it's going by so fast, each day is one more day closer to you being all grown up. I want it to slow down. But it's not going to, so we're enjoying every second with you. You're so wonderful! Such a beautiful boy!

And I hope you had a wonderful birthday today. It was just you, Papa, Sushi (that's what you call Lizzie/Sissy), and me celebrating today. We'll have a "real" birthday party next weekend, but today it was just us, a cake, a present, and an Elmo balloon (because you have developed a passion for Elmo, after watching "Elmo's Potty Time" on DVD--totally Mommy's fault).

BTW, the cake says "Happy Dirthdy" not because Mommy cannot spell, but because that's how you say it. We've been talking for about a month now about turning two and having a birthday and having people sing "Happy Birthday" and every time you sing "Happy Dirthdy to you!" which is, of course, extraordinarily cute!

Happy birthday Do-Dah!!!

Love forever,

Mommy

2009-08-31T20:26:00.002-04:00

I have a very good excuse for not writing on your 22nd month birthday: We were in France. You were with us. We were busy. And we frequently did not have internet access.

See, told you it was a good excuse!

I'm happy to report that you were an excellent traveler! I was more than a little concerned that you'd be so totally off schedule and out of sorts that the whole trip would, well, completely stressful. But that wasn't the case at all. You adjusted your schedule on the first day and besides some normal toddler tantrums here and there, we all had a great time.

I have noticed, since we returned, that you seem to have...matured some since we left for France. Your level of understanding has increased, as has your ability to communicate verbally in response. I thought maybe it was just my perception after spending 16 uninterrupted days together, but Papa says he's noticed it, as well, and since he spends every day with you I feel he's a good judge of these things. I guess this shouldn't be too surprising--you are almost two-years old--but I think it's interesting that there was a perceptible change.

So besides taking a 16-day vacation in Europe (most of the time in France, but we also visited Switzerland and Italy), you spent your 22nd month adding more words to your vocabulary, being incredibly silly, and getting cuter everyday. Now you're almost done with your 23rd month and I've already begun planning your second birthday party. Wow. Just...wow.

2009-07-13T21:31:00.002-04:00

Wow, 21 months already!

Time is just wooshing by!

*Woosh*

Sigh.

New things:

"Rock-rock." This is what we do at night before you go to bed. It's also what you ask for now when you've hurt yourself. Sometimes you want to do this after you wake up in the a.m. It consists of the two of us (or you and Papa) sitting in the glider in your room and rocking. Generally you have your head on my (or Papa's, whichever the case may be) shoulder and you suck your thumb while we rock.

"Nobody home." This is what you say when you and Papa check the bluebird houses in the back yard. There was somebody home for awhile. A house sparrow used one of the boxes for a nest and got to watch three baby sparrows grow up and leave home this past month.

Anything else in particular? I'm sure there is...but once again Papa almost has dinner done and I have to run. Suffice it to say that you're adding new words everyday and watching you grow and learn remains a treat. You're so darned cute! I love you so much.

Oh...and you weren't afraid of the 4th of July fireworks. You enjoyed them! You also enjoyed the bag of cotton candy we bought for you.

2009-06-22T21:01:00.003-04:00

Well, it finally happened. Mommy became such a blog slacker that she absolutely forgot all about posting on (or around) your 20 month "birthday."

Bad, bad Mommy!

I'm sorry! I really am. I have just been a bit overwhelmed lately. I'll do better next time!

So because I'm limited even now on time and attention (Papa just came home from work and I want to go spend some time with him), I'll try to just hit on the highlights of the previous month:

Your language skills improve everyday. Really, they do. Everyday you say a new word or phrase.

In fact, that's probably the biggest "milestone" event--phrases. You no longer just say "vroom-vroom" when you see my car, you now say "Mommy vroom-vroom." Some other phrases you're using are: "Mommy hold!" (you also say "Papa hold!" but Papa hadn't heard this until today), "No more monkeys" (from the song "Five Little Monkeys"), "Tree broke!" (we had a tree fall in the back yard), "Tree gone" (we hired a company to clean it up and haul it away), and "See birds!" (another recent addition as we had, just in the past day or two, a nest of sparrow eggs hatch in one of the bluebird houses). And these are just a few examples. You can pretty much communicate anything you need to now using two word "sentences." It's so exciting!

So what else?

You're still fascinated with trashcans.

And door knobs.

If there's a trashcan or door knob at an event, playground, museum, etc. we can pretty much give up trying to interest you in anything else going on.

You have a fantastic sense of humor. Did I already mention the "hibou/cat" game in my previous post? I'll have to go check and, if not, explain it when I come back.

Your motor skils, both gross and fine, are progressing normally. You have no troubles scaling stairs and we've been drilling into your head that you must turn around and climb down backwards. You can pick up the tiniest piece of dirt. No problems putting your chunky puzzle pieces in their places. That sort of thing.

Off to go be with Papa now (Mommy loves being with you, but she also enjoys when you're sleeping and she and Papa can just sit and relax a bit). :-)

Love you!!

Mommy

2009-05-14T22:23:00.003-04:00

I've done it again! Your "birthday" has come and gone and I've failed to update your blog. Sigh.

Well, again, mommy apologizes for being a slacker.

So now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about your 18th month. What all happened? Hmmmm, let's see. . . Papa built you a sandbox and last weekend we filled it with sand that Aunt Lizzie was kind enough to pick up for us in her truck. I love it. You could take it or leave it. You'd much rather wander the yard picking up gum balls and leaves and looking in the blue bird houses. But I'm hopeful that as you get older you're going to enjoy it more and more.

The weather has gotten warm enough that we filled up your wading pool a few weekends ago and we put it and your sand/water table in the driveway for you to play with. You enjoyed that for the short time that your attention span held out (roughly ten minutes, max, at any one activity).

Otherwise, it's been a fairly quiet month in terms of family activities. In terms of your development, though, I've seen quite a bit of change. You are acquiring new verbal skills on a daily basis. You can put more than two words together (as I think I reported last month) on a consistent basis. And you even put three words together at least once this month when you told us to "Turn roundiround off!" (Translation: Turn the ceiling fan off!) Honestly, everyday you say a new word. Some of the "better" ones (don't get me wrong, they're all great, just some are more...interesting than others) are: cucumber; ravioli; tushy; chicka; and macaroni.

And you understand so much now, it's amazing. Over the past two or three months you've really begun transitioning from baby to little boy. Which, of course, is bittersweet for a mom.

So in other news (I was thinking today that I should be sure to include some current events in these posts so you won't think that our lives revolve solely around you, although they really kinda do...), the economy is still the hot topic. The housing market has crashed, the stock market crashed a while ago and remains crashed for the most part, unemployment is at an all time high, and the government is deficit spending. Fun times. I cannot fathom how or when we'll pull out of this, but certainly something has to give.

As far as our contribution, I continue to work, Papa continues to keep the store going, and we're planning a trip to France this summer that we really can't afford but which I feel strongly we need to take anyway (not just because we need to do our part to stimulate the global economy, but because Papa needs to go see his friends and show you off). I've never traveled on a plane with a child your age and quite honestly I'm imaging it's going to be hellish, but I do hope we can pull it off and that it will be mostly enjoyable for all concerned.

That's all for now!

See you in a month!

Love and kisses,

Mommy

2009-04-13T01:39:00.003-04:00

I'm technically late. Again. But it's been an extremely busy weekend, between going to Greensboro to visit Alex & Nikki and celebrating Easter/William's birthday. In fact, if it weren't for my insomnia, I'd be much later than I am posting. Not sure if this thing says or not, I can't remember, but the time is now 1:42 a.m. Naturally I have to work tomorrow.

So I won't stay here long because I really really need to sleep.

Happy 18 months!!

Everyday you add a new word to your vocabulary. You can say so many things now, I couldn't possibly count them. You've even, technically, said your first sentence (Bye-bye Papa/Mama/Doggy/Froggy, etc.) Your gross motor skills continue to advance (e.g. you're practicing going down steps, you can climb into your push car, you can run now). And obviously everything else you do is more advanced than what it was a month ago. You're simply growing by leaps and bounds and, truly, every day there's some new progress being made.

You're just so much fun to be with--even when you're being pushy and difficult, because along with all these advanced skills comes an advanced awareness of yourself and a desire to have things completely your way (otherwise known as the Terrible Twos! :-) ). Everyday it's still a joy to see your smiling face in the morning as you go through your wake up routine of throwing everything out of your crib! And every night it's still a joy to hold you and rock you and put you to bed (placing all the objects you've tossed out earlier around you just so, like you like them).

I love you madly! And now I'm going to try to sleep again.

2009-03-12T19:40:00.003-04:00

Yesterday you were 17 months old.

And I bet you're curious to know what a typical day in your life is like these days, aren't you?

Generally you awake anywhere between 6:00 a.m. and 7:15 a.m. (Normally you reserve the earlier wakings for the weekends, for some reason!) You drink a sippy cup of diluted juice--apple, orange, or pineapple usually--and after Papa has made our coffee, you eat breakfast. Breakfast could consist of eggs and cheese, or oatmeal (though you don't like the steel cut stuff we've been buying), or cold cereal, or if you're really lucky, Papa's French toast. After breakfast you play. (Hopefully soon you'll start going with Papa to the gym nursery, but for now you guys have just been hanging out at the house.) During the weekdays Papa tries to get some chores done while you play, but here lately you've been a little crabby and haven't wanted to entertain yourself so Papa has had to entertain you. On the weekends we'll take turns playing with you or, if you're in a good mood, reading the paper while you play.

A month or so ago you started moving to one nap a day, which meant that you were up all a.m. and through lunch, but lately you've gone back to taking a morning nap. So depending upon your mood and sleep needs, you'll either stay awake all morning and have a snack around 9:30 or you'll go down for a nap around that time. Either way, lunch is around 11:30 and, if you haven't taken a a.m. nap you'll go down for your daily nap directly after lunch. Nap or not, you have a snack around 2:30-3:00 and then dinner is between 6:00 and 6:30. Bath time is 7:00 and your bedtime routine--PJs and a book, followed by rocking and singing--is directly thereafter.

You go to bed easily these days and for the most part stay asleep all night. Lately you've woken up during the night screaming for some unknown reason, but even when you have those kinds of episodes you end up going back to sleep.

So anyway, that's a day in the life of YOU!

You keep us busy, but we're enjoying every minute.

Everyday it seems you're adding a new word to your vocabulary and a new skill to your repetoire of them. You can ride your ride-on bumble bee (I'l'l have to be sure to take a picture of it because I could you scratching your head over this) all by yourself. You can walk, run, squat, and stand on your tiptoes. And you completely understand what we're saying most of the time, even though you don't always have the words to respond.

As far as big events that happened this past month, the two things that come to mind are Papa's birthday and Alex's wedding. Papa turned 64 (remind me, one of these days I want to be sure to talk to you about Papa's age) and we celebrated by having family and friends over. Alex married his finance Nikki at a church in N. Wilkesboro. Lizzie and William were in the wedding and we spent from Thursday through Sunday in a cabin in the mountain. Peepa and Aunt Liz went with us and Aunt Liz helped watch you. It was a little stressful because you get out of sorts in a new environment, but overall it was not too painful. And of course the most important part is that Alex and Nikki had the wedding they wanted...or at least that Nikki wanted, which is all that counts.

I would discuss national and world events...but those are just too depressing right now with the economy and the housing crisis, so I won't go there. All that you need to know is that Papa and I are doing well, all things considered. And we love you and will make sure that you're safe and well taken care of, no matter what.

I love you! Happy 17th month!

Love,
Mommy

2009-02-16T20:13:00.003-05:00

I'm late! I'm sory, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Slacker mommy! Baaad slacker mommy!

Forgive me?

I'm only...five days late. Not too bad. Considering everything going on these days, that's actually pretty good, really.

So what happened over the last month? Well, you can put two words together. Not exactly a sentence or anything, but you can say "Bye-bye ball" and "All done!" And of course you're able to say just about anything (one word) we ask you to. For example, you can clearly say "Cheese!" and "Keys!" and "Num-num!" (aka milk, juice, water, etc.). You communicate extremely well, in my opinion, considering you're only 16 months old.

And speaking of...I can't remember if I mentioned this last post or not, but when you are not able to say the word for what you want, you are usually successful at making us understand by grabbing us by our hands and leading us to the desired object or task.

You have four more teeth working their way in (finally!). Two on the bottom and two on the top. I don't know my teeth IDs well enough to tell you which ones they are exactly, but they're back there near your molars.

You're walking much better nowadays. You have much more stability and speed. You're so fast now, in fact, that I often find myself surprised at how quickly you can move from one place to the other. We have to keep a sharp eye on you all the time lest you disappear and get in trouble.

This weekend we're heading up to Wilkesboro to attend your brother Alex's wedding. Lizzie will be in the wedding (bridesmaid) and your brother William will be, as well (groomsman). You will also be meeting your other brother Ian while we're there (he's a groomsman, too). It should be an...interesting...weekend. We've rented a cabin that has two bedrooms and a pullout sofa and you, Papa, Lizzie, William, Peepa, Aunt Liz, and me will all be staying there together.

Lizzie, who is lying next to me while I type, just asked me a very good question: Have I ever mentioned that Aunt Liz watches you sometimes during the week so Papa can get some work done on the computer. I'm pretty sure that I have, but just in case I haven't, consider it mentioned. :-)

*YAWN*

I'm sleepy. Going to go do something mindless now until your Papa gets home.

I love you sweet boy! Everyday is a wonderful day because you're there!

And I promise I'll do better next month about being on time. ;-)

(Sissy says she loves you, too!)

2009-01-11T20:21:00.004-05:00

Today is your 15th month birthday! Happy fifteen months to you!!!

Because I never go back to read what I posted before, I apologize ahead of time if any of this is redundant. As quickly as the time flies by these days, I tend to get a bit mixed up about what happened when.

But...let's see...between Dec. 11 and Jan. 11 what's happened?

Well...xmas happened. It was your second one and Santa Claus was good to you again this year. He brought you a Brio train table with a Brio train set already set up on it! He also brought some big cardboard blocks for you to build with, two puzzles, an inchworm that zooms across the floor when you push down on his middle, a bathtub squirt toy, and a wooden push toy that makes tons of noise. Here's a picture of it all: http://zeppmusi.vshost.com/Family/2008_Christmas/

Then we celebrated New Year's eve. Peepa, Nana, and Aunt Liz came over. You went to bed at your normal time and we all ate dinner and then had foie gras and sauternes and on TV watched the ball drop in Times Square. Wheee!

Then your sister had her 14th birthday. It was relatively low-key this year. No ten girl sleepover or anything. I think she must be growing up! (She really enjoys you, I hope you know. And she's good with you. Appreciate her, 'kay?)

Then you had your first playdate. A friend I met from Triangle Mommies who also happens to work in my building has a little boy, Remy, who was born in December 2007. She and her husband, Jerome, and Remy came over for lunch and play last Saturday. You had a pretty good time--that is, until you started getting sick. Not sure where you picked it up, but suddenly you came down with bacterial conjunctivitis and we ended up spending our Saturday evening in the ER (as that was the only place open). Turns out you had infections in both ears, as well. They gave you drops for your eyes and an oral antibiotic to take for ten days (you finish up day after tomorrow) and you were much better the next day. Your second illness. I blame it on the shopping cart at the North Raleigh Freshmarket. But honestly, who knows where you picked it up. Luckily your little friend didn't catch it. (I was worried!)

In other news, you're getting much better at this whole walking thing. When I chase you around the house you even try to run--although invariably you trip and fall down, giggling the entire time. Yesterday you tried to climb up the slide part of little plastic indoor slide we have. That was a first. You're a tad bit behind (as compared with your brother and sister only) on your motor skills development, but you'll get there.

Your vocabulary increases daily. You can say "All done!" and "Bath!" and "Doggie" and "Bye-bye Papa" and tons of other words. Papa tries to speak to you mostly in French, and you seem to understand a lot of what he's saying, but you're not speaking in French too much. The only exceptions I've seen to this are when you "count" (using that term loosely because you're way to young to actually count, you simply mimic what we do), you will say "un." And then today when I asked you what the baby was holding in one of your books (he was holding an apple) you said "pommes."

A new thing you've started this month is grabbing our hands and leading us over to what you want or need. The fact that you can identify something that you want, and then work to physically encourage/manipulate those who can help you fulfill your goal is pretty amazing stuff to me. No need to sit around and cry about something when you can walk over and make the grown ups go see what it is that you want!

Oh, and kissing! You've become quite the kisser lately! You kiss everything. Our toes, your blocks, the trashcan. Name the object, you've kissed it! You blow kisses, too. Sometimes just with one hand but often lately with both, as though you're practicing for your Mr. America acceptance award. It's very sweet and very funny, all at the same time.

As far as your schedule goes, this is your "typical" day:

6-7:30 a.m. Wake up
7-8 a.m. Eat breakfast (Generally one or more of the following: eggs; oatmeal; Cream of Wheat; Wheatabix; yogurt; Cheerios. Plus a cup of juice.)
9-10 a.m. Morning nap
10:30-11 a.m. Snack
12-1:00 p.m. Lunch (Mostly whatever is in the refrigerator. You essentially eat our food now almost exclusively.)
2:00-3:00 p.m. Afternoon nap
4-4:30 p.m. Snack
6-6:30 p.m. Dinner (Same as lunch; although I do still give you chunky fruit bits and Gerber Graduate dinners)
7:00-8 p.m. Bath and bed. You really, really like bathtime! You're also quite fond of your "night-night bed" with Boomer Dog, Fargo Frog, and comfy-cozy blankie. Oh, and your "TV" (i.e. the sights and sounds music thingy).

I know I say this every month...but it's true...I don't know where the time goes. It's so hard to believe that last year at this time I was an absolute basket case about breastfeeding and whether or not to let you try putting yourself to sleep. On the one hand it seems like eons ago and on the other it seems as though it was just yesterday. You're growing so fast! Keep it up...but slow down, would ya?

Until next month!

I remain,

Your number one fan and someone who loves you without end,

Mommy

2008-12-11T21:57:00.004-05:00

Hi Punky,

It's your 14th month birthday today.

Fourteen months. Wow. Hard to believe. I've spent most of this evening looking at pictures of you over these past 14 months and on the one hand it seems like it was forever ago already that you were a little baby, but on the other hand...it was just yesterday. Funny how time works.

You started walking-walking (that is, "really" walking) this past month. After what? a month of faking us out, November 20th you just sort of took off walking. You're little drunken wobble is so cute! I refer to you as Babe-zilla, for obvious reasons.

What else has gone on?

Well, for one, we (the American voting citizens) have elected the first black president. Barack Obama. (I hope I'm spelling his name correctly--I'm not checking right now.) We'd actually already done that when I wrote last time, I just failed to report it somehow. It's pretty big stuff, really. Historic. And you can say you were there.

Your vocabulary continues to increase. You mimic a lot of words now. Some recent additions include "the end", "peekaboo", "growl!", "light", "push", "juice", "milk", "papa", and there are others that I just can't think of right now.

You had your first real cold this past month. You were sick on Thanksgiving. Bad cough, low-grade fever, snotty nose. Your nose was so stopped up that you couldn't suck your thumb. Doc said you had an ear infection and gave you some antibiotics. Two weeks later and you're finally, completely, over it. I guess I should feel lucky that it took you 13 months to really get sick at all, but I felt so badly for you...I don't want you to ever have to be sick.

Papa is talking to me right now and I can't concentrate on this, so I'll say TTFN for now. See you next month!!

I love you.

Yours,
Mommy

2008-11-11T22:18:00.005-05:00

Dear Benjamin,

You're 13 months old today!

You're still working at walking. You can walk. Short distances. One to eight steps, max. But you can't walk-walk, yet. I am trying not to be concerned. William and Lizzie walked early (between eight and ten months), so naturally I assumed you'd be walking within that same period, but that's what Mom gets for assuming. You obviously have your own schedule that has nothing to do with your brother's or sister's, and I simply need to learn to accept it. I'm working on acceptance. You're working on walking. I'm guessing that we'll each find ourselves wondering what all the hoopla was about soon enough.

I don't think I told you last time all the funny and wonderful things you've been doing between your 11th month and now, so I'll do so now: You love lights. Love them. You love to stare at them. To turn them. Turn them off. Turn them off and on and off and on. You simply adore lights. Lamps. Ceiling lights. Yard lights. Decorative lights. Doesn't matter to you. If it glows, you like it. I'm not sure if this means anything at all, but I have to wonder if you're going to grow up to be an electrician, or maybe a roadie. Are pyrotechnics in your future? I can't wait to find out! In the meantime, everytime you turn on or off a light in the house, the grin you grin could rival the power of the Hoover Dam. I love watching you.

You also love vroom-vrooms. Cars, trains, tractors, planes. Anything that might potentially make a "vroom-vroom" sound is great to you. You love to "vroom-vroom" your toy vehicles around the house. And you especially like to ride in the Radio Flyer car we bought you for your birthday. Oh, and Papa took you to the airport one day while I was at work so that you could watch the planes take off. As I understand it, you laughed heartily when the planes ascended into the sky. While I may never appreciate the male fascination with all things fast and furious, I do understand that this is the way it works sometimes and that you, my boy, have such a fascination and I thoroughly enjoy seeing you enjoy all your vroom-vrooms.

Well, it's late and I'm sleepy, so I'm going to wrap this up for now. I'd love to be able to find the time to tell you what's going on with you on a daily basis. I think about doing so often...only life gets in the way. You keep me busy. Work keeps me busy. Your sister and brother keep me busy. I'll try to do better.

In the meantime, please know that I'm having the time of my life watching you grow. You fascinate me. I love you completely.

Yours forever!
Mommy

2008-10-11T22:45:00.005-04:00

Dear Benjamin,

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is THE day! Your first birthday! Yay!

You started the day by waking around...6? 6:30? You played in your crib until roughly 7:15. Because today is daddy's sleep-in day (Technically it's his day...depending upon my Friday, sometimes it's my day), I got you out of bed myself. (Generally, your wake up routine involves both of us, because neither of us can stand not being there, but on weekends, when we're both completely hungover from a week of sleep-deprivation, we're willing to forego a wakening in exchange for a few extra hours in bed.)

I came into your room singing "Happy Birthday," which of course you didn't recognize because it's never been sung to you before, so you merely greeted the day the same way you always do, which is by holding onto the rails of your crib and bouncing. You're such a morning baby! You obviously take after your father this way.

Anyway. . .

After a lot of bouncing and opening of blinds and saying good morning to the front yard, and to the neighborhood, I changed your diaper. (It was messy.) Then we headed to the kitchen for breakfast. You ate oatmeal and pears in a jar, some chopped banana (your favorite!), and then washed it all down with a sippy cup of milk.

Then we played in your room. You squeaked your crocodile at me (actually, I think it's an alligator, but because of the comic, Pearls Before Swine, all green, dragon-like animals will forever be referred to as crocodiles), we vroom-vroomed some cars, you toppled several of my towers, and we counted ladybugs. Ad nauseum. (Not that I'm complaining, mind you.)

Around 8:30? 9:00? we made our way out to the kitchen because I was in desperate need of coffee. Papa woke up about that time and came out to join us.

Between that time and...say...noon-thirty everything is a blur. I left you with papa at some point so that your Sissy and I could go pick up your cake and run by the grocery store for other things that I needed for your party. I returned home around. . .12:30-ish, I guess. I fed you lunch. I put you to bed for a nap. You didn't nap. Brother William showed up. Guests were due to arrive. I decided you should be gotten up. William and Lizzie got you out of bed.

Aunt Liz arrived.

Brother Alex and his fiance, Nikki, showed up.

From that point, people continued to arrive. Eventually we had in attendance (in addition to the people already named), Peepa, Nana, Grandma Lovick, Aldert, Rayna, Dennis, Lance, Gavin, Willa, Shaile, Morgan, Shanan, Amy, and Nathan.

We sang you happy birthday. You had your very own cake, which at first you were reluctant to even touch, but once you stuck a finger into the sugar-laden icing and tasted it, you were hooked! You smeared it everywear! You were on a veritable sugar high by the time I rescued you and dunked you into the bathtub.

After your bath, we opened presents. You received a ton (at least!) of them! Mainly toys. Of course, you were much more interested in the tissue paper than the actual toy contained therein.

Eventually, the crowd subsided and you readily--gladly--went down for a nap in the cool comfort of your crib.

When you awoke, we dressed you and hauled you out to the car so that you could attend your second birthday party of the day--the one you shared with your great-grandmother at Robinwood (in Wendell).

Aunt Liz gave you three more presents there. One of which was a Jack in the Box, with which Mommy managed to scare the bejeezus out of you. (I'm sorry!)

Because it was late by the time we got there (6 p.m.), we didn't stay long after the present opening ceremony (Grandma's, not yours). We ran by the grocery store (a.k.a. the banana shop) on the way home so that we had something to eat in the house besides cake. By the time we got to the house it was 8:30 p.m. You were exhausted. I put you in your PJs and read you a book and put you to bed.

What a day!

What a wonderful, wonderful day!

Your first birthday!

My how the time does fly. . .

I love you. So much. I love you sooooooooo much. I love you!

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

2008-09-11T22:15:00.002-04:00

It's September 11th.

HAPPY ELEVEN MONTHS OLD!!!

This past month you've:

Begun to communicate. Banana remains a favorite word. We've decided it means both "I would like something to eat" and "Gimme BANANA!" The word "no" also remains a favorite. Everything is "no."

Benajmin, would you like to play in your room? No! Benjamin, would you like to go for a walk? No! Benjamin, do you think the price of oil is too high? No!

We've decided that you belong to the order of the Babies Who Say "No!" (It's a Monty Python thing, we'll explain it to you later.)

You can show us your ears and your fingers and your teeth. And if asked what the sheep says you will respond with "baa." Of course, this is also what the cat and the dog says.

You like baths and, as with the sheep, will say "baa" when brought into the bathroom.

You say "mama" when you see me. Of course, you sometimes say "mama" when you see your sister or your aunt. But you're consistent when it comes to me. (Or at least I like to think so.)

We took you to Pullen Park for the first time this past month. You enjoyed the swing, as well as feeding the ducks. We also took you to Hillridge Farm in Youngsville, where you got to see goats, a sheep, some chickens, ducks, the giant catfish, and a turtle.

You've become extremely adept at pulling up. And you've stood on your own a few times, though not for too long. No signs of walking yet, but you do cruise when you have an opportunity. And truth be told I'm in no hurry for you to walk. I am happy for you to remain a baby as long as you want to or need to.

It's hard to believe that soon we'll be celebrating your first year. It's trite, I know, but honestly, it does seem like just yesterday you were born, and here we are already, a year down the road.

I enjoy every moment of time I have with you, and every little milestone you reach fascinates and amazes me.

I love you.

I promise to try and post more here this next month.

Much love and kisses and hugs and giggles and tickles, etc.,

Mommy

2008-08-12T19:56:00.004-04:00

Sweetie Boy!

Guess what? You're 10 months old!!!

As of yesterday.

Mom's really sorry, she feels so badly about not updating the blog on the actual date of your 'birthday.' But I remembered after I was in bed last night and although I was going to get up and do it then, I was ever so tired. So Papa convinced me that you'd forgive me, and I stayed in bed.

But I'm updating now, and oh boy, do I have some updates!

This past month you:

Started pulling up on things. You can now pull yourself up on anything stationary, without any help at all.
Started growing a new tooth on top--the one to the left (your left) of your top front two teeth.
Began saying "ball" and "mama" and "dog" and "no" and "dada" to mean those specific things.
You're beginning to identify things in your books, as well as in your room. (E.g. if we ask you to find the ball, you go get the ball. Or when I ask you "Where's the mouse" in your bedtime book [which is Goodnight Moon], you point to the mouse.)
You went on your first road trip and your first camping trip. You spent nearly six hours in the van on the way to Clifftop, WV, where you camped with us at a music festival where Papa vends each year. You did so well! Much better than Mom ever expected. In fact, had the camper not broken down, Mom probably would have had nothing at all to complain about the entire trip. But, as luck would have it, the camper did break down, and Mom had tons to gripe about the entire trip.
You had your first playground experience. Just yesterday Sissy and I took you to the Wendell park to swing on the swings, slide down the slide, and play in the sand. You had a great time. You ate sand! You loved it!
You have switched from formula to something known as "Next Step," which is, essentially, formula, but with a few minor changes (e.g. more protein). You've also pretty much given up your two bottles. You still take one in the a.m. and one at night, but you've gone from 8 ounces each time to maybe five, mostly four.
You can easily use a pincher grasp to pick food up and put it in your mouth. No more mashing things across your face, hoping that they will make their way, somehow, into your open maw.

I'm sure that there's tons I'm forgetting, but those are the highlights.

What else is going on?

Well, your Big Brother William is getting ready to start college. He heads off to UNC-Wilmington this coming weekend. This is brand new territory for mom, so stay tuned for updates on how this unfolds. Meanwhile, Sissy gets ready for eighth grade. Again, totally new territory. She's the big kid on campus now...but that status is fleeting, as next year she begins high school at the bottom of the totem pool. Meanwhile, Big Brother Alex is preparing to get married. Nikki is his betrothed. They are planning a February wedding. We're trying to convince them to elope and save the money, but I'm not realistically hedging my bets on that happening. Again, stay tuned.

Oh, and I had already started stressing out about your Halloween costume (being the offspring of two dyed-in-the-wool Pastafarians, you're doomed to off-the-wall Halloween get ups), but as fate would have it, I fortunately, (for you?), happened upon, just this past weekend, a $10 frog costume, you will, as of this moment in time, be a frog for Halloween. Happy Frogging! :-)

All my love, forever and always,

times infinity,

whole bunnies,

Mom

2008-07-11T21:40:00.003-04:00

Hi Baby Boy,
Mommy is blogging, so what does that mean? Yep! You guessed it! You've had a "monthly birthday." Mommy is sooo predictable, isn't she?

Silly boy! Silly Mommy!

So, yeah, OK, what a month we've had. You now have FOUR, yes, count 'em, FOUR teeth! Two on bottom, two on top. Mommy's little Rat-boy!

And on the day that you turned eight months old, although I never did update the blog to reflect as much, you started getting yourself from a crawling position back to a sitting position. No mean feat for a new crawler! You also began this month feeding yourself finger foods (although it's not an especially graceful maneuver, what with the whole grab-it-in-the-palm-shove-it-towards-the-mouth-and-hope-it-falls-in approach, it works nonetheless). And you started trying to pull up. Granted the 'pull ups' have only been while you had the help and support of an animate object, such as Dad or me...no, wait, I take it back...Daddy says that you once pulled up on your keyboard thingy, but is was just the once, otherwise it's been while one of us helped you along. Still and all... It's a start. And it's certainly an indication of things to come from this point forward.

While I love watching you learn and grow (I had this dream last night that you could type on complete sentences on the computer, even though you couldn't verbally communicate what you were typing yet!), it's all so bittersweet because no more will you be my little baby. I've seen it happen to your brother and your sister and I know all too well now how quickly it all goes by and I just want to savor it and revel in it, but I can't stop you from growing (even if I could, I couldn't), and I already have a fuzzy memory of your being a newborn and that was just a few months ago...

I'll stop now. I always get all mushy in these posts, don't I?

Suffice it to say, I love you. And while I miss the little baby you were, I'm having great fun watching you grow into the big boy you are now!

All my love, hugs, and kisses, forever until eternity!

Mommy

2008-06-29T21:48:00.002-04:00

These are the words to the song that your father and I decided upon as "our song" for the purpose of our wedding, etc. (I'm publishing them here because tonight, when I did a search for them, I couldn't find them. Fortunately, your father had saved them from when they were available.) The artist's name is Si Kahn.

No fancy gowns no high class towns to promise
I'm plain as rain and that's just not my style
And I've never been a none to ask for favors
But I hope you plan to stay with me a while
You're comfortable as a quiet conversation
Among good friends who've shared the time to eat
Like good meat loves salt that's how I love you

It's common now to say that times are changing
But that's not true, it's only people change
My patterns like your plants hung in my windows
Were worth the time it took to rearrange
I don't ask for anything that you don't offer
Like butter loves bread that's how I love you

I never was a person to get lonely
I was satisfied to stay here by myself
And it's not that I could be here with you only
It's just better than with anybody else

I can't promise that I'll go and leave you never
You know that something always could go wrong
And I can't say that I'll love you 'till forever
'Cause I don't expect to stay here quite that long
I'll just say that I'm prepared to stay here with you
As long as you're content to stay with me
Like the river loves the sea that's how I love you
Flow into me.

2008-06-19T21:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Benjamin,

Your Uncle Jack died today.

http://thecapistranodispatch.com/index.php?mact=News,cntnt01,detail,0&cntnt01articleid=461&cntnt01dateformat=%25B%20%25d%2C%20%25Y&cntnt01returnid=15

(I don't know how long that link will be valid, but should it expire I'm sure you can find something if you Google [will Google still be around when you're older?] the words "zepp ultralight.")

Papa is extremely sad about your uncle's death. Though they were brothers, they had not really been particularly close until recently. And this recent closeness makes it that much more hard to deal with for your Papa.

You've met Uncle Jack.

He made a special point of coming by to meet you directly after you were born.

He's been here twice, actually, since your birth. Although they had been in contact prior to your birth, you were actually sort of the catalyst for this whole fraternal reconciliation that he and your Papa went through, truth be known.

But because there are so many years between you and Papa and, thus, between you and your Uncle Jack and his and Papa's parents, I fear that you may grow up feeling completely out of touch with that whole side of your family. But I hope not.

I hope that one day you will appreciate and embrace these people--both your Uncle Jack and your grandparents--for who they were in their lives, and for the love that they would have had for you had they been able to be here and be a part of your life.

Does that make sense?

I hope so.

I'm afraid that I'm feeling rather raw emotionally, so I hope that I'm not being too macabre. I just want you to know that those from whom you are descended were fantastic people, and it's just a shame that they aren't able to be there for you, because I know that they would have truly loved to have been a part of your life.

If I were a religious person I would say that one day you will meet them. But I don't believe that.

I do, however, believe that they are a part of you. And you a part of them. And forever down the line this connection will remain.

Rest in peace Uncle Jack.

2008-06-11T09:23:00.002-04:00

Happy eighth month birthday, Benjamin!!!!

What an month it's been, too! I mean, besides everything going on with Daddy, you've been super busy growing and learning.

You started crawling this month. It's still not a particularly graceful process, but you can get yourself across a room using this knee/belly combination of movements. What you do is get up on your knees, move forward a bit, flop down on your belly, and then repeat. Here lately you've started getting frustrated with how much effort this takes and how slowly you go and you've begun doing this 'push up' thing where you get up not on your knees but your toes and stick your fanny in the air. Eventually I think that all of this will result in a more efficient crawling motion, but again, you are still able to get yourself around doing what you're doing. And it's ever so much fun to watch you!

At the end of your sixth month you'd begun getting a bottom tooth. Well, now you have both bottom teeth. The one poked through all alone, but it was joined almost immediately by the other one. And based on the puffiness of your upper gums, as well as your desire to chomp things, I'm guessing that your top teeth will be in by the end of this month.

In light of your new teeth we've begun giving you the stage 3 baby foods, as well as some finger foods such as cheerios and tiny pieces of whatever we're eating. You can use a pincher grasp, but you still need a lot of practice perfecting it. Generally you can pick up the cheerios (or other foods), but keeping the food in your fingers while you get it to your mouth is still a challenge. I'm sure by the end of this month that will no longer be the case.

You've been drinking out of sippy cups and taking sips of water out of our glasses, but we've had to hold the container for you. Just yesterday, though, I gave you some formula in a cup that has handles and you picked up the cup and drank all by yourself!!

Your brother and sister have also reached some pretty important milestones this past month: Lizzie finished up seventh grade yesterday and this past Monday William completed his last high school course and he will graduate tonight. (Your Aunt Pat and Nana Carol are coming over this evening to watch you so that Aunt Lizzie, Daddy (hopefully), Lizzie, and I can attend graduation.)

Yep, it's been a wild month. You've been busy growing and developing and doing your wonderful baby things, Daddy's had major surgery, your sister has finished her next-to-the-last year of middle school, and your brother is graduating and getting ready to leave the house to head for college.

Whew!

Mommy's tired!

But it's a good tired. :-)

You all--Daddy, brother, sister, and you--are what's it all about.

Love you!

Happy Birthday!!!

2008-06-10T13:14:00.002-04:00

A quick update (I just got out of the shower and have got to go get ready to run to the grocery store and take Daddy to the eye doctor):

We came home Sunday.

I'm absolutely thrilled to have both of you in the same place!

Even though Aunt Liz is still coming everyday to help with you, I took off of work again this week so I could be around to help Daddy (and spend some time with you).

Daddy continues to improve. He has ups and downs all throughout the day, which is completely normal. He's progressing right along.

Tomorrow is your eighth month birthday. I'll be sure to post again then.

Love you!
Mommy

2008-06-05T20:56:00.003-04:00

It's 9 p.m.

This is the first time I've taken the opportunity all day to just sit and play on the computer.

It's been an...interesting day.

I spent the night in the hospital. As you might can imagine (Or maybe you can't? I always envision myself talking to grown up Benjamin when I type here, but maybe I'm talking to 10-year-old Benjamin, who has no idea what being in a hospital is like?), one doesn't get a lot of sleep in a hospital. Every time you nod off someone comes in the room to rudely awaken the patient and poke or prod some part of him. The result is that the next day you find yourself feeling like you haven't slept at all. Which is how I've felt all day.

And then, of course, as soon as my day started I had to scheme and plot to figure out how I would logistically get everything done and be everywhere I needed to be. Lizzie needed to be taken to school by 7:30. And then her awards ceremony began at 8:30. And then Liz needed to go home to feed her cats and take care of things at her house. And I needed to take a shower and change clothes. And I wanted to take you to see your father. And then I needed to go to the grocery store to buy some baby food because you're out of fruit. And the van was out of gas, so I needed to stop and fill it up. And then I had to get back to the hospital. And, oh yeah, I wanted (needed) someone to stay with Donald while I did all that.

It took a LOT of help from everyone, but somehow or another I managed to get all that done!

Yay! for mommy!

And Yay! for everyone who's helped/helping mommy!

As far as events here at the hospital, your father has done well today. He got his catheter out early in the day and then his chest tubes out in the afternoon, so now the only thing he has attached or tethered to him is the external pacemaker. He's walked twice in the hallway (the first time was rough on him, he got very dizzy and nearly fell down, but the second time he didn't have any problems) and is generally doing extremely well still.

He is experiencing one small adverse surgical 'side-effect' and that is some occasional vision loss in his left eye. According to a ophthalmologist who came around to check him out, it's a condition known as nonarteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAIOC). Essentially it's where he had, basically, a stroke, or loss of blood flow, in an optic artery. Hopefully it'll remedy itself. But we'll have him thoroughly checked out by his own doctor once he's home.

OK, kid, I'm afraid I'm getting really tired now, so I think I'll go lie down and try to get some sleep before someone comes in to poke and prod your father and wakes me up.

I love you so much sweet baby boy. I'm sorry that I can't be there with you right now. I miss you terribly. But you seem to be weathering all of this extremely well, and hopefully soon it'll all be over and both Mommy and Daddy will be there with you again and you'll never remember anything any differently.

Hugs and kisses, Funny Benjamin Bunny!

Love,

Mommy

2008-06-04T21:07:00.002-04:00

I'm extremely tired, so I won't write much. Just wanted to note that I'd left the hospital around 5:00 to run Lizzie and Alex home (Alex had to go back to Wilkesboro tonight) and spend some time with you before putting you to bed.

But now I'm back.

Thank goodness, too. Daddy's nurse tonight is a bit of a...not sure what's a good word for it... Seems to me that perhaps she didn't actually pass her nursing certifications.

Daddy had to go to the bathroom, so she got him in there and then left. Told me to ring if I needed her help to get him out. (If?!?! What do I look like, a nurse!? Not to mention he's not even supposed to be going to the bathroom--I mean, that's the whole reason for the Foley!)

Anyway, she never came back around, and when I looked out the door for her before going in for Daddy she wasn't around, so I attempted to help him myself. Big mistake. Oh, we were fine going from the bathroom to the bed, that wasn't a big deal. Getting him in the bed, along with his myriad and sundry wires and tubes was, however, quite the ordeal, and I like to have killed him in the process.

I feel so badly! I mean, it seemed like it ought to be a simple enough process, putting someone in the bed. But when they have tubes dangling from their chest, as well as from other, sensitive parts of their body, it's just not that easy. And, again, I'm not a nurse, so whadda I know about these things to begin with.

But even when Nurse Know-Nothing came in to help, she didn't do a much better job than I'd been doing. She was jostling him around and yanking on the catheter, bouncing his bed around, depending on me to help pull him up (not that I mind at all helping her help him, it's just I have to wonder how would she have done it if I weren't here?).

Poor, poor Daddy. Like I said, we nearly killed him, I think. He was in a lot of pain from the whole ordeal.

But now he's had another pain pill and the lights are all out in the room and he's resting. Comfortably, I hope.

I have a chair/bed thing pulled out and am all ready for bed myself (thank goodness I thought to bring a pillow from home 'cause the pillows here aren't hitting on much).

I'm sorry I haven't been there a lot for you these past few days. I feel so terribly torn between wanting to be here with Daddy and wanting to be there with you. I'll be so happy when I can have you both in the same place and I don't have to keep trying to shuttle back and forth.

I love you. Good night sweetie boy.

2008-06-04T10:27:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, 10:30 a.m.

Alex and I are back at the hospital. We got here in time for the 8:30 a.m. CTSU visitation. Daddy is doing so well! They were prepping him while we were there for moving him up to the third floor Cardiac step-down unit.

They told us that we could go ahead up to the room, so we did, but then the nurses decided that the room they had initially wanted him to go in was not adequate for the equipment that they still have him on, so they had to get another room ready. In the meantime we're hanging out in the chapel, playing on our computers.

I am absolutely amazed at how quickly your father is rebounding from the surgery. I was so worried that he'd be out of it for several days, but he seems to be progressing right along and, though still obviously in need of lots of healing time, he's experienced very few adverse effects thus far.

Myself, I'm feeling much better in general today than I did yesterday. Sleep helped. (Even though I wasn't able to doze off until around midnight and I found myself waking up again around 4 a.m., but I stayed in bed until 6 and drifted in and out during that time.) You, you sleepy head, did not wake up until 7 a.m.! It was a mad dash to get everything done this a.m. and get out the door in time to get here for the 8:30 visit, but somehow I made it.

It also helps that Daddy is doing so amazingly well. He's certainly not completely out of the woods yet, but he's well on his way and his progress thus far gives me great hope that all is going to be well in the end.

I do wish that they'd hurry up and get him up here. I'm anxious to see him again.

2008-06-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

I'm home.

I visited with Daddy one last time at 9:30 p.m. He was doing really well at that time, sitting up, talking, being silly. But that was the last visiting time, so we had to leave afterwards. I'm very sad that I couldn't take him with me, or else stay there, but I needed to come home for you anyway, so I couldn't have stayed anyway.

When I got home you and Aunt Liz were rocking in your room. Your diaper had leaked and you had woken up crying. Aunt Liz changed you, and she and Alex together changed your sheet. I rocked with you for awhile and then put you back to bed. You're asleep again. I am not.

As exhausted as I am, I can't seem to shut down now. I'll sit up and read for a little while and see if that helps and, if not, I'll have to go scrounge around and find the Tylenol PM.

I miss your Daddy so much.

I love you both so much.

Good night.

2008-06-03T20:10:00.000-04:00

Just got back from the 8:30 p.m. visit.

Your Daddy was more awake, but still had the breathing tube in so he couldn't talk. He was able to communicate though with motions and such. He wanted to know what time it was, and joked around with my Dad, flipping him off when Dad asked him to repeat himself. Oh, and when the nurse turned her back for a moment he made like he wanted me to get up and get gone with him. Again, it's good to know that his sense of humor is working so well so soon.

The next time we go visit him the nurse says that his breathing tube should be out and he'll be able to talk some.

It's hard to tell how much he's really there with us still, though. Especially because the nurse said earlier that rarely do patients remember any of their time in ICU. So it would seem to me that if that's the case, then he really isn't engaged in interacting.

............................................................................................................................................................

So a few minutes ago the desk lady here said "Is there a member of the Zepp family here?" and then sent us back to see Daddy. Scared the bejeezus out of me because I, of course, assumed that something terrible had happened because there's still an hour left until the scheduled visiting time.

Fortunately, though, the reason for the impromptu visit was because the breathing tube had come out and the nurse thought that we'd want to go see him (which of course we did).

It was great!

He was sitting up, no tube, talking (quietly, though, because his throat hurts terribly). He can remember that we had visited before. He's doing so well!!

2008-06-03T17:12:00.000-04:00

At 4:30 we went back during the scheduled visiting time (CICU visiting times are 8:30 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m., and 9:30 p.m.) and guess what? Daddy was awake!!!!!

And he's passed the test checking for signs of stroke!

Yay!!

His nurse is extremely impressed with how well he's doing, she really didn't expect him to be awake so soon.

Although he won't remember a bit of our visit, and although he still can't talk because of the breathing tube, he was able to respond to my questions. We even had a bit of fun: I asked him to blink once for yes, which he did, and then I asked him to blink ten times for no, which he started to do. Of course he knew I was kidding and it made me feel so good to know that not only is he there with us again, but his sense of humor remains intact despite the trauma he's been through today.

His surgeon just wandered out here to talk to a different family about their loved one and stopped by briefly to say hi. Strange guy, this surgeon. Very odd personality. He asked me how your Daddy was doing and I said, happily, "He's doing GREAT!" and he responds with, "Yeah, I think he's going to be alright. Keep your fingers crossed." Now why the hell would he say something like that? Is there something going on that I'm not aware of for which I would need to cross my fingers in hopes that it remedies itself???

Here I am, feeling happy that things are going so well, and then WHAM! the surgeon suggests that maybe I shouldn't be so happy?!

I'm just too tired for this kind of b.s.

C'mon 7:30...I need to see my sweetie!

2008-06-03T16:11:00.000-04:00

hey (Lizzie typed that--she wanted to add something here :-)

So about an hour ago we went back to see Daddy.

It was a scary experience.

He has so many tubes and monitors and tape and things going every which way. Down his throat. On his head. On his hands. Everywhere.

And he was pale. And cold. And swollen.

And I felt so badly for him. I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him and make it all better.

But I couldn't.

I have to wait.

i love u! (Lizze typed that, too. She obviously wanted to add something again :-)

Anyway...

So I have to wait.

Daddy has to get better slowly, on his own.

And he will. I know he will.

I just have to wait.

2008-06-03T13:32:00.001-04:00

It's 1:30 p.m. and we just got done talking with Dr. Peyton.

He said everything went according to plan. (Except that even he didn't foresee having to do six arteries--something that he specifically mentioned he doens't do often, but which definitely needed doing in this case.) At this point Daddy is still sedated and on the ventilator, but he'll be ready to have us visit in about an hour and a half (he still won't be conscious, though, even at that point).

I can't even begin to describe how relieved I feel now that the surgery itself is over. I tried to tell myself not to think negatively, but truth be told I was so scared that something terrible might happen--that I might be that poor woman crying in the conference room--and now that I'm out of the woods as far as that kind of thing goes (of course, awful things can occur during recovery, but those odds are really low and I'm not even going to think about that any further right now), I'm positively elated!

I just wish I could go ahead and go back and see him. I want to touch him and know that he's here and he's OK. Then I can go home and see you, and hold you. And then maybe, hopefully, get some sleep. I'm exhausted.

2008-06-03T12:22:00.000-04:00

We just received the second phone call (12:15 p.m.).

Daddy is off the heart/lung machine and they're putting him back together, after having bypassed SIX arteries! Six!!

Now we're waiting for the surgeon himself to finish up and come out to talk with us.

I'm feeling much more relaxed at this point, but I won't be completely off of pins and needles until I see the surgeon!

2008-06-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

It's 10:45 a.m.

A nurse called about a half-hour ago to give us an update. Said your father was doing well and that had started the actual bypass process. I'm still anxious, but it helped knowing that so far, so good.

(Some unfortunate family up here did not receive such good news. A few hours ago they took a woman into one of the private rooms off the waiting room to obviously tell her that something unpleasant and unforeseen had happened to someone she loves. Despite the private room, we could still hear her crying.)

Despite the computer and a book she brought to read, Lizzie is getting bored and antsy. She wants to go to the gift shop, so that's where we're off for...

2008-05-19T20:42:00.000-04:00

So here we are, in the critical care waiting room at Wake Med.

They've taken your father back already to prep him for surgery, which should begin around 8:00 a.m. or so (it's 7:00 a.m. now--we've been at the hospital since 5:30 a.m.). Your brother, Alex, and your sister, Lizzie, are here with me and your grandmother, Becky, and Nana Carol will also be up here in awhile.

I'm pretty sure that I haven't posted before about any of this...so let me give you some background: A few months ago now I pleaded with and threatened your father enough that I finally convinced him to go have a physical (your arrival helped my case). A result, though, of that assessment was an elevated cholesterol reading, which in turn resulted in your father having to take a cholesterol lowering drug, and which also prompted his GP to recommend a test known as a cardiac calcium score (it looks for and measures the build up of calcium in the plaque that has occurred on the arterial walls). Well, this test came back with not-so-good results, which prompted the GP to recommend yet another procedure known as a stress test to see just how well the blood supply was getting to his heart. This test, too, came back with some concerning scores, so this time the GP recommended going to a cardiologist and having a cardiac catheterization to determine, once and for all, if your father had any blockages.

The day we went in for the catheterization (23 May), we expected that, worse case scenario, your dad would have to stay overnight at the hospital because the doctor had to put in a stent or two to unblock a mildly blocked artery. Fortunately that didn't happen. Unfortunately the result was worse: four, or perhaps five, of the arteries leading to his heart were so blocked that stents just wouldn't do the trick--he'd either have to have bypass surgery to repair them or he could spend the rest of his life trying hard not to exert himself physically because to do so would eventually result in a heart attack.

So here we are, at the hospital, waiting while the surgeon repairs your father's arteries.

And speaking of surgeons, Dr. Robert Peyton, your father's surgeon, just came by to tell us that he'd be getting started soon and to not worry (Yeah, right!) that things would be fine and he'd have a nurse call around 12:00 or 1:00 to give us an update.

Meanwhile, your at home with your Aunt Lizze who, thankfully, recently retired and is able to take care of you for us while we take care of all of this. If there is a such thing as good timing for this to have happened, this was a good time. I'm not sure what I'd have done if Aunt Lizzie wasn't able to take care of you. I guess I'd either have to find a daycare (I can't imagine!) or else figure out a way to take care of you while waiting all day at a hospital (I can't imagine!). Thank goodness for Aunt Lizze!!

It's now 7:47 a.m. In roughly 10 minutes they'll begin surgery. I'm trying not to be frightened and worried, but truth is, I'm frightened and worried. And although in reality we've only been here for a little over two hours, it's feels like we've been here for a week already. I can but imagine that the time between now and that noon-ish phone call is going to feel like an eternity.

I love your father so much. He's truly my everything. It hurts me for him to hurt and I just want this to be over and done with. I miss him already and I wish I could somehow make this better for him and I feel so powerless that I can't...

Nana Carol is here.

It's 7:56 a.m.

2008-05-11T19:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Benjamin,

Today, Mother's Day, you are seven months old!

Some accomplishments of the past month:

You crawled. Sort of. Suffice it to say you achieved forward motion, even if your form still leaves a little to be desired. (You'll get there, though! Practice makes perfect!)
A tooth has broken through. Bottom left (your left). It's still not visible to the naked eye, but when I run my finger over your gum I can feel it!
You have added the 'p' sound to your growing repertoire of raspberries, squeals, and myriad other noises.
You're eating three 'meals', plus about 24 oz. of formula, per day. (I believe you've had, at this point, every kind of stage 2 baby food on the market. You're still not crazy about the meats, at least not by themselves, but you'll eat them when they're mixed with fruits or vegetables.)
You enjoy 'eating' (i.e. voraciously gumming) teething biscuits.

Every single day you change. Small changes, but ones that quickly add up to become significant changes. I mean, just think, a mere seven months ago you could do nothing more than lie there and reflexively wave your arms and legs. But now you've perfected your pincher grasp and can pick up a toy using only your thumb and index finger. That's amazing stuff!

And I'm enjoying every moment with you. I look forward toward seeing you in the morning, peering between your crib slats, greeting me, and the day, with a smile on your face. I miss you terribly during the day when I have to go to work (but I'm so glad that you get to stay here with your father--it helps to know that you're with someone who loves you just as much as I do). And then I can't wait to get home in the evening to see you again! I have always looked forward towards the weekends, but I do even more now that it means that I have entire days to spend with you!

It's such a wonderful experience having you. And having you at the age I am now. When your brother and sister were small I doted on them just the same as I do you now, but the difference between then and now is I didn't have the hindsight and the life experience then to know how quickly they would grow up and stop being babies. (Not that they aren't still my babies...but they didn't stay little babies for long. Your brother, in fact, turned 18 just last month. Incredible stuff. I vividly remember him being born and it wasn't that long ago!) But now I know. I realize all too well how short-lived this stage in your--and my--life is going to be and it makes every day, every moment, with you that much more special.

Sorry if I'm being overly mushy, but I want you to know these things. I want you to know how
absolutely fantastic I think you are, how important you are to me, and how much I love you. I'm afraid that because your father and I are 'older' parents (your father certainly falls into that category more so than me, but even I am considered an 'older' mommy) we have perhaps added a dimension of difficulty to your life that most kids don't have to deal with. If we have, I apologize. But please, please know that it was not our intent. Our intent was only to expand our love for each other by creating a child together. You, of course, are that child. And we love you so very much! You're the light of our lives!

And I promise that I'm going to do better about posting to this blog. I'm sure you've noticed the trend: I post once a month on your 'birthday.' So I'm going to work on that. It's just that I stay so busy watching you and enjoying you, it's hard to find time to write about you!

But until next time, I remain,

devotedly yours,

Mommy

P.S. Thank you so much for the pretty flowers and plant you and Daddy gave to me for Mother's Day, as well as for the sweet note you wrote to me!

2008-04-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Bunnyboy,
We went to the doctor today for your six-month well-baby visit.

The doctor says that you are 20.6 lbs (90th percentile), 26.5" long (50th percentile), and your noggin is about 18.2" around (96th percentile).

Besides the normal weigh and measure, you received a few shots today. (I think you got two of them, on top of an oral dose of the rotavirus vaccine, but I'm not really sure because I never stand around while they're poking you. I let Daddy help them with that and I come back to you when it's over to hold you and comfort you.) Generally shots don't affect you, but this afternoon you seem to be a little cranky and out of sorts, so I can't help but assume that it's the shots bothering you.

In general, though, you had a good visit. The doctor pronounced you as being "absolutely perfect." Of course, I already knew that, but it's always nice to get a professional opinion on the matter, too!

So I've been meaning to write here about some of the things you do on a daily basis that I don't think I generally talk about, but which I need to document so that I don't forget about them.

Such things are:

When you drink your bottle, I snuggle you up against me as if we were still breastfeeding. This puts your right arm behind me, but your left arm is left free to roam. You generally alternate between hugging/grabbing your bottle and grabbing my face or nose. It's extremely cute. Sometimes it seems as though that hand is independent of you and has a mind of its own because you'll be staring off into space and it'll be waving around, searching for a facial feature to grab hold of!

When you're in your walker you scoot up to the ficus and grab a fistful of plant and yank. This invariably results in your snatching at least one leaf--or a piece of leaf--off the tree. Of course, I can't tell that you've done this until I unclench your little fist and find the the leaf stuck to your hand!

Another thing you do in your walker is, you'll see someone from across the room and you'll RUN like mad towards that person and CRASH your walker into her (my) legs! You also love to chase the animals this way, but they don't let you catch them.

We play "How Big is Benjamin" and usually this elicits a hearty laugh!

We play "Peekaboo" and generally have similar results.

When we put you on the floor on your tummy you try to crawl by raising your legs and your arms and wiggling them. Naturally this doesn't result in any crawling, but it sure is funny to watch!

When you're tired or upset you suck your thumb.

Sometimes--especially early in the day, for whatever reason--if I ask you for a kiss you will lean towards me, open mouthed, and let me kiss you.

When you're tired and cranky you sometimes make what we have come to call "squinchy face" whereby you squeeze your eyes shut and squeal unhappily.

When we change your diaper these days your hands immediately go south and grab hold. (And from what I can tell, based on my experiences with your brother, this is a habit that you may not ever outgrow!)

You will play happily by yourself for 10-15 minutes at a time when we sit you up and surround you with your Boppy pillow and give you toys.

At night you enjoy watching your undersea-themed music thingy that's attached to your crib before you go to sleep.

You cry sometimes when people you don't know are in the house, but generally out in public you're sociable.

You can make 'ba', 'ma', and 'da' sounds.

When you're excited you often pant.

Tonight you tried plain yogurt for the first time and you gobbled it up.

You can feed yourself a 'biter biscuit,' but often on the way to finding your mouth you'll stick the biscuit in your ear or up your nose, which always tickles Daddy and me.

Essentially everything you do is exciting and amazing to me, and I am having such a good time watching you learn and grow. Everyday is a new adventure and I only wish I knew how to stop the clock, or at least slow it down, so that I can enjoy you that much more. I know that you have to grow up...but please, do Mommy a favor and take your time.

Hugs and kisses Funny Bunny!

Yours forever,
Mommy

2008-04-11T07:54:00.000-04:00

It's that time again... It's YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Your SIX MONTH birthday!!

A half of a year old!

And wow! How you have changed!

This past month you've begun perfecting your pincher grasp, you're almost crawling (you're still doing this grounded airplane maneuver where you lie on your belly and put your arms and legs up in the air and wiggle, but then you invariably get up on your knees and rock a bit, so it won't be long now), you're eating all of the "first stage" veggie and fruits, you've started drinking out of a cup (just some water every now and then), you're feeding yourself biter biscuits, you're consistently sleeping through the night, you've added "ma's" and "da's" to your babble repertoire, and you're sitting up on your own (although you still can't get there yourself, someone has to put you in the position, and you'll occasionally lose your balance and topple backwards...but otherwise, you're sitting alone).

I know I keep saying this over and over, but the time is just flying! You've grown so much in such a short time. It just amazes me all the changes that have occurred since October. And I think about all the ones that are coming up. I mean, in another six months you'll be walking, talking, and eating what we eat. You won't be a "baby" baby anymore! It's just incredible to think about. And it's wonderful to watch. I'm having so much fun with you. It's such a treat everyday to see you in the morning, smiling at me from between the slats of your crib, to kiss your cheeks and give you that first morning hug.

I think I'm in love with you, Benjamin!

(Actually, there's no "think" to it, I am in love! Forever and ever...)

Daddy has put dinner on the table! Gotta run!

Love you!!!

Mommy

2008-03-24T20:46:00.000-04:00

Hi Benjamin Bunny,
It's the day after your first Easter.

It's...three? days after the first day of your first Spring.

Almost everything is a first for you! It's so cool!

Some developmental firsts that have happened lately are: You learned how to move yourself around in your walker using a bipedal foot motion. You can sit up alone (though you can't get that position by yourself, and you still have to be closely watched in case you start to go over backwards or sideways). And today I have noticed that you are "talking" (i.e. babbling) much more than you have been.

It's so much fun for your Daddy and me, watching you do all of these things!

Speaking of your Daddy, here he comes now...home from work.

I will go and say hello to him.

Love you Sweetie!!

Love,
Mommy

2008-03-11T08:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Benjamin Bunny,

Happy FIVE MONTHS old!!

It's been a fun and exciting month for everyone. You have grown by leaps and bounds. Not only can you turn over from one side to the other with relative ease and grace, but you can almost sit up on your own and you're making motions that indicate you might soon be crawling. For the most part you're sleeping entirely through the night (some nights you still wake up and want to be fed, but mostly you sleep through). And you are readily gobbling up the "solid" food we've given you. (So far you've had rice cereal, sweet potatoes, bananas [those didn't agree with your tummy though, so we're going to hold off giving you anymore for a few months], and squash.)

It's difficult for both Daddy and me to reconcile that just a short few months ago you were so small and helpless and now here you are so active and so big. We knew it would happen, certainly, but knowing it and actually witnessing how fast all the changes would occur are two different things!

You are going to be all grown up before we know it.

I know I sound corny, but the time truly is flying by and I wish I knew how to make it stand still so that I could enjoy each moment with you just a little bit longer.

You're such a sweet boy.

When you wake up in the mornings and from your naps, you generally lie in your bed and make little waking up sounds, and when I go in to see whether or not you're truly coming awake you'll look up from between the slats of your crib and give me this big, sweet grin, as if we've been apart for some extended time (which, to you, I guess we have) and you're totally thrilled to see me again.

And you have the absolute best laugh in the world! I'm not so certain if it's the words or my mop of hair shaking that drives you to it, but whenever I hold you on my lap and say silly things to you, you laugh so hard you give yourself the hiccups! It's the sweetest sound to me, your laughter.

You know, come to think on it, there's not a whole lot about you that I'm not just absolutely thrilled with (yeah, I could live without the poopy diapers, but even those I don't mind so much)! And while I think you're growing up way too fast, I'm nonetheless looking forward toward the changes that this next month will bring. Everything you do is so exciting!

I love you bunches and bunches sweetie pie funny boy!

Again, happy FIVE MONTHS old!

Love, Mommy

2008-02-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

A typical day in the life of four-month-old Benjamin:

0400-0430: Bottle, 5 oz. (Given by Daddy who, bless his heart, always gets up with you at this ungodly hour)
0700-0730: Wake up!
0800-0830: Bottle, 5-6 oz.
0900-1000: Down for a nap that usu. lasts for 1.5 hours
1130-1200: Two tablespoons cereal and 5-6 oz. formula
1230-1330: Down for another nap, lasts about a half-hour
1400-1500: Bottle, 5-6 oz.
1530-1600: Another nap, another half-hour
1700-1730: Bottle, 3-8 oz. (just depends)
1800-1830: Naps briefly
2000-2030: Bottle, 6-8 oz.

Start over.

2008-02-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

I have officially, as of today, stopped pumping/breastfeeding. Completely.

On the one hand I'm happy and relieved. I hated pumping and I'm thrilled to know that never again do I have to hook my breasts up to that evil device. And it's nice not to have to worry about what medicines I can take or whether or not I can have a glass of wine before a certain time.

But on the other hand I'm terribly, terribly sad. This is the last time in my life that I will ever have the opportunity to provide breast milk for a child of mine (yeah, yeah, I know I said the same thing when I was breastfeeding Lizzie--don't go there!) and it's the end of an era that went by way too fast.

I am trying not to beat myself up too badly about the decision to stop, but it's hard. I feel selfish. Yes, pumping is awful. It's painful. And it's a complete pain in the !@#. But a good martyr. . .er. . .mom does what she has to do for her baby, right?

And then of course there's the whole thing about expectations. See, I had these expectations about how my life would be if/when I ever had another child (I'd quit work and stay at home in my lovely, self-cleaning, landscaped, Better Homes & Gardens decorated house until my child was at least in high school), and that didn't work out. And then I had these expectations about what my birth experience would be like, and that didn't pan out. And then I had expectations about what my breastfeeding experience would be like, and that didn't pan out. So I pumped. And it sucked (literally and figuratively). So that didn't really pan out either!

And now I feel guilty. And like a loser.

I can't get anything right.

Well, except my baby boy.

He's right.

As right as rain.

He's perfect.

And really, that's all that should count. And I know it. The rest is just. . .details. He's what's important and he's GREAT.

And I know that he's going to remain that way, no matter that I feed him formula now instead of breast milk.

I have to remind myself: I gave him four months of breast milk. That's more than a lot of babies ever get. And I tried hard to make it work out for a longer period of time, but it didn't and that's just how it is. And, bottom line, Benjamin is growing (oh so quickly!) and is going to be fine. I know this. It's just sometimes hard to remember.

2008-02-12T17:41:00.000-05:00

We're back from our visit to the pediatrician's office.

You are 18.1 lbs.!!!!

And you are 25 inches long!

This puts you in the 95th percentile for weight and the 45th percentile for height.

You are, officially, a BIG boy!

Hard to believe that at one point they were worried about you losing weight. Ha! You sure showed them!

I think that you're not feeling well tonight due to the shots they gave you today. You're terribly grumpy. Nothing makes you happy tonight. I feel so badly for you, too. I can't seem to do anything to make you feel better. Hopefully this won't last long.

2008-02-11T20:51:00.001-05:00

Dear Benjamin,
Happy FOUR MONTHS old!!

Wow! So hard for Mommy to believe that you're already FOUR MONTHS old!

When did it happen that you stopped being a newborn baby and turned into this. . .well, no longer newborn baby? This baby who can hold his head up and push up on his arms and give these big ol' belly laughs and turn himself over front to back and back to front again? We've been watching you the whole time, yet we seemed to have missed that turning point. It just kinda. . .happened.

So here you are. Four big months old. Rolling over in both directions, following our voices, seeing us when we're completely across the room, and trying out "solid food" (as of yesterday, when we gave you your first rice cereal meal). Amazing feats of motor skill and intellectual ability! You're growing so quickly. So terribly quickly.

Slow it down a little, would you?

No, I don't really mean that.

I don't want you to slow down. Nor do I want you to speed up. I'm perfectly happy having you just the way your are. It's all exciting and amazing to me, just as it was when your brother and your sister went through these stages, only this time I know, only too well, how fast the time flies and how fleeting the moments are, so I can appreciate it, hopefully, a little more this time around.

Ironic, I guess, that at this point in my life, while I might be financially better off than I ever have been, I'm busier than ever and have less time to give. I was dirt poor when your brother was born, yet managed to stay home with him for a full year. Same with your sister, except it was six months that I didn't work when I had her. But when I did return to work it was in the childcare field and she went with me. This time I have to go back to my corporate job, there's no getting around it. We need my salary. And, truth be told, there are certain aspects of my job that I enjoy (namely a sense of accomplishment and recognition). But as much as I might enjoy it, I'd rather be here with you and it makes me sad that I can't be. I hope that you'll understand and don't resent that I'm not here with you. At least you get to stay with your father during the day rather than go off to icky daycare.

And boy, does your Daddy love you! You're the light of his life, his heart, his raison d'etre. He loves you. . .well, more than I know how to quantify with words. I know that you are in the best possible hands when I leave you each day with him. He's all about you and I know that when you're with him you're well care for. I might be sad that I have to leave you, but I'm happy knowing that you're home with your father.

Speaking of which, tomorrow I don't have to go to work. I have taken off so that I can take you to the doctor's for your four month old well-check. I can't wait to find out how much weight you've gained, how tall (long?) you are, and how impressed the doctor is with all that you've accomplished over the past two months. You'll also get some shots while you're there. That part I'm not so happy about, as they'll hurt you and make you cry. But I have to remember that it's for the greater good--the diseases that the shots are protecting you from are far worse for you than the momentary feeling of pain is that comes from the shots themselves.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I love you silly boy funny bunny goofy doofy chicken nugget!

You make me happy.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Mommy

2008-02-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

I meant also to post to document the fact that Benjamin can now roll from his back to his tummy. We haven't actually witnessed him doing this, but for the past three nights he's been put down on his back in his crib and when we've gone back to check on him he's been on his tummy.

2008-02-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Oh, yeah, I just wanted to quickly document that I had a bout of mastitis this week.

Wednesday night I awoke in the middle of the night with an awful pain in my left breast. I couldn't sleep it hurt so badly. I had to get up and pump (which of course made things hurt worse), apply hot compresses, and take Tylenol P.M. before I could get any rest.

I went to work Thursday, but by the time I got home that evening I was running a fever and felt as though I'd been hit by a Mack truck--every joint in my body ached. Fortunately I'd called the Birth Center earlier in the day and they had called in a prescription of antibiotics for me, which I'd picked up before coming home. I got in two of the four prescribed daily doses before I went to bed and by Friday morning I felt much, much better. Today there's still a tiny bit of soreness in the breast, but nothing like it felt on Thursday.

I'd have to rank mastitis fourth on my list of most physically painful experiences I've ever had (giving birth is number one, followed closely by wisdom tooth extraction and then root canal). Fortunately it responds quickly to antibiotics!

2008-02-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well, as I said we would when I wrote on Monday, that very evening we started the "Ferber method" to help you learn to sleep. Now here we are, five evenings later, and I'm extraordinarily happy to report that things have gone absolutely swimmingly!

I had, naturally, figured that we would be in for a week from hell. But it really has been a relatively easy thing to do.

Your father began the process with nap time on Monday, which meant that I was at work during the roughest time--that first nap when he put you down, in your crib, by yourself, without a pacifier. I think he said that you cried for a total of 45 minutes that first time (with him going in every so often to try and comfort you, of course). But by the time that evening rolled around, you'd already had several nap time episodes to get you used to the idea of being basically on your own for sleepy time so you only cried for a little while before sleeping more or less through the night. Mommy was so afraid that you'd be completely inconsolable and that I would be overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow listening to you. But it wasn't like that at all, thank goodness. And you've progressively gotten better--i.e. you've been crying for less time--every day since. Tonight you went down without crying at all!!

I think we have almost gotten a routine figured out (at least for bed time--naps are another story): Around 8 p.m. you get dressed in your PJs. Then sometime between 8:15-8:45 you get a bottle. After that we go into your room and sit in your glidey chair and read a story. Then I sing you a song and put you in your bed. Like I said, until tonight you fussed some, but no more than 10 minutes. Tonight there was nary a peep out of you. Naturally we keep a nursery monitor in your room so we can hear you from our room and Daddy, bless his heart, gets up to give you your middle of the night bottle, which generally occurs around 2:30-3:00. He also hangs out on the couch listening to make sure you go back to bed. You generally go back down until somewhere around 6ish. This morning you slept until 7:30!

Life is good! Everyone is getting sleep!

Now we just have to work on naps. You haven't been napping well, waking like clockwork after only 30 minutes and sleeping for longer stretches only after we've gone somewhere in the van. But today, well, you actually took a decent afternoon nap, so maybe we're seeing some progress there, too.

But speaking of sleep, it's 9:45 p.m. Past Mommy's bedtime. Going to call it a night!

Love you, you sweet silly gorgeous SLEEPING baby boy!

2008-01-28T07:32:00.000-05:00

So I wimped out last night.

Almost immediately after posting in my blog, I sat down to give you a bottle and I decided then, looking down at your little sweet and trusting face, that there's no way I could stand to make you cry and that maybe I could withstand a few more weeks of sleep deprivation.

But then in the middle of the night last night, after having been awakened too many times to count by your wiggling and whimpering, I decided that maybe I can't withstand a few more weeks of sleep deprivation after all.

You're really have a tough time of it. You've developed some bad sleep associations and, at this point, you just can't seem to fall asleep, or stay asleep, at all on your own. Even with someone there to hold you and constantly put your pacifier back in your mouth, you're still having trouble settling down and getting any good amount of sleep.

So this process of teaching you to sleep on your own has got to be done and the sooner we get it over with the better for everyone. I feel badly for you. I feel badly for all of us because nothing about the current situation is good and certainly nothing about the next few days is going to be fun.

Hopefully this is going to work and it won't be too painful for either of us.

Please know that I love you. And I'm sorry.

2008-01-27T18:01:00.000-05:00

Oh, and I believe you're teething.

You're drooling like a rabid St. Barnard and you chomp down on whatever you can get into your little mouth. And you're cranky. Cranky, cranky, cranky.

It's a bit early for teething, but not unheard of. Your brother got his first tooth early, so I'm not surprised that you're teething at this point.

2008-01-27T17:15:00.000-05:00

So we have a problem.

A sleeping problem.

Well, "we" don't have the problem, you do, my dear sweet baby boy. But it is our fault you have this problem. We have allowed you to develop some terrible sleep habits. For instance, we have rocked you to sleep, we have held you in our arms while you slept, and we have been putting you in our bed to sleep and we have even--gasp--given you a pacifier to help you sleep!

I know, these sound like pretty reasonable things to do with a baby, right? Nope, seems that these are bad, bad, baaaad things. They make it so that baby doesn't learn how to put himself to sleep, which in turn means that mommy, and sometimes daddy, doesn't get to sleep much either, because we are spending all of our time either putting you to sleep (or back to sleep), or else sleeping uncomfortably because we have to cram ourselves into tiny spaces in our bed (where you've been sleeping all this time) to ensure that you don't get crushed or smothered or what have you.

Tonight we will begin to try and remedy the situation.

Mommy has bought a book entitled Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. It's written by a doctor who is a sleep expert. He basically recommends letting children CIO (cry it out). Albeit with the occasional reassurance from the parent, but there is to be no picking up or rocking or pacifier giving or anything bad like that. The goal is to let you learn how to comfort yourself and put yourself to sleep. In your own bed.

I know that once you learn to fall asleep on your own we will all be happier. I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it in the interim. I can't stand to hear you cry. And I worry that just plopping you in your bed and letting you figure it out on your on will hurt you psychologically--it will make you not trust us. Daddy assures me that isn't going to happen, but mommy is fearful. So guess what? Daddy will be the one to make this happen. Mommy will be in her room with the door shut and the radio on, trying not to cry.

I'll let you know how it goes.

No matter what happens, please know that mommy loves you completely and totally and that this is all being done for your own good. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like that right now, but it's true. I'd never do anything in the world to hurt you.

2008-01-12T12:09:00.000-05:00

Update to the pumping situation:

I realize that I had written that I was going to stop pumping completely. Well, that didn't happen. But what did happen is that I quit trying to pump every three hours during the day and have gone to a three times a day total schedule. So what I do is get up in the a.m. and pump (after I've nursed Benjamin on and off during the night), then four to four and one-half hours later I pump again, and then four to five hours after that I pump one more time. That's it. No pumping at night (which is a time that I really, really despise the breast pump, for whatever reason). No more freaking out and stressing about whether or not I have enough milk. No more being stuck at the house because I'm scared I might not be able to pump if I go out.

I'm still able to get anywhere from 16 to 24 oz. of breast milk in a day this way, so Benjamin's diet can remain majority breast milk (there are some nights where the last bottle is formula-only because he's such a piggy little eater that he went through the entire breast milk stash earlier in the day), but even if my supply goes down and we end up doing more formula than breast milk I will still feel good about the fact that for three solid months he was mostly breast fed.

Bottom line is that doing things this way makes me a much happier, less stressed out Mommy. I'm feeling good about things. That's important.

2008-01-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Benjamin,

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah they say it's your birthday! Happy birthday to you!

Three months old birthday, that is.

You've accomplished a whole lot over the past month. It's a given now that you can reach out to swat at your toys and, in fact, you've started reaching and grabbing some, rather than just swatting. And then just last night you rolled over from your tummy (where you really don't like to be) to your back. You can also almost roll from your back to your tummy. You have a nice twisty action going on, it's just a matter of swinging your leg over. Once you realize you need to do that, you're over.

These are, as I said, huge accomplishments for a baby your age. In fact, some babies are four and five months old before they can do some of these things, so you're above average (as Mommy knew you would be :-).

Well, unfortunately I have to get back to work. (Yes, I had to go back to work full-time, which I'm none too happy about, but we need Mommy's paycheck and you do get to stay home with Daddy during the day so it's not so awful, for you anyway.) I just wanted to say HAPPY THREE MONTHS OLD!!

I love you sweet boy!!

Love,
Mommy

2007-12-30T18:09:00.000-05:00

Tonight I made the decision to stop pumping.

This means that soon you will be a bottle-fed formula baby instead of a bottle-fed breastmilk baby.

I am terribly torn about this decision and feeling rather sad about it. But at the same time I'm also feeling relieved.

I'm sad because I know breastmilk is best and stopping the pumping means stopping the breastmilk. I'm sad because I know that Benjamin is my last baby. This is my last time ever having the opportunity to breastfeed. I'm sad because nothing went like I wanted it to regarding the birth experience, so breastfeeding was my last shot at getting something right and I couldn't even do that. I'm sad that not giving breastmilk might mean a lower resistance to germs and he may get some raging infection and then I'll feel like the world's worse mother ever to live.

On the other hand. . .

I'm relieved that I don't have to plan how to live my life in three-hour increments so that I can either nurse or pump (mostly pump, since nursing just doesn't seem to be Benjamin's "thing"). I'm relieved that by giving a bottle exclusively I'll always know exactly when and how much he's had to eat, which might even lead to a SCHEDULE (that's an exciting concept all on its own). I'm relieved that after nearly a year I'll have my body back all to myself.

Basically, I'm a mixed-up bag of hormonally charged mommy-emotions. (Yeah, yeah, and what else is new.)

But I think that overall getting away from the pump and being able to live without constantly having to worry about how and when I can pump milk or, if I try to nurse, worry about whether he had enough and if I'll have to sit and nurse again in 30 minutes, will make me a better, less stressed out mommy. Certainly having a less stressed out mommy is the best thing for everyone.

Right?

2007-12-26T18:17:00.000-05:00

Your first Christmas has come and gone, and we both managed to make it through relatively unscathed! (It was touch and go there for awhile though--you were, of course, the center of everyone's attention and all the noise and commotion was sometimes a little too much for you. And to be honest, for me, too, sometimes.)

Santa brought you blocks that make sounds when you shake them and this chair called a Bebe Pod that is for babies your age who can't sit on their own, and a Johnny Jump Up, which you're too small for right now but you'll soon be big enough to enjoy. Oh, and two books and four CDs and a bunch of stuff in your stocking (including a stuffed monkey that Daddy says looks a lot like you!). You got TONS of stuff. Between Santa and all of the family, you racked up your first Christmas. Your favorite toy so far is this big, plastic monstrosity that you lie under and bat at the dangling things hanging down. (I can't remember who gave it to you, Aunt Liz or Grandma Lovick.) It's electronic and makes a lot of noise, which I don't care for, but fortunately you have just as much with it with the sound off.

We had a fun Christmas.

But now it's all over and we've had a nice, quiet day-after-Christmas time, which has also been fun. (It's a cold, rainy day, which has made it even nicer to be able to stay home and do nothing.)

I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in a week I have to go back to work full-time. I'm super bummed about that. Even though I know you're going to be just fine staying at home with Daddy, I am still sad that's it's not me who gets to stay home with you. But there's not really any way possible to make that happen that I can see. Maybe if we sold our house and rented some place or bought something smaller and did away with a lot of "extras" that we have, such as a car or two, cell phones, cable, etc. we could conceivably make it without my income. But even then, we'd be without health insurance and that's not exactly something we can do without. So I really have no choice but to work. I'm sorry. I really am. I'd love to stay home with you. But like I said before and keep telling myself, it's not so bad because fortunately Daddy can run his business from home and can stay here with you, so at least you don't have to go to daycare. I think I'd probably have to commit myself if I had to put you in daycare at this point!

Well, you're waking up from your nap so I'll sign off here.

I love you bunches, mommy's punkin' head funny bunny bubble boy!!

2007-12-24T21:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Benjamin,
It's the eve of your first Christmas. Already you're nestled all snug in your bed and it's just a matter of time until Santa comes.

Of course, you don't care anything at all about any of this. Not yet. Not this year. Next year, of course, it will be a different story. But this year you're too small to have any cares at all, unless it has to do with eating, sleeping, or diaper changing.

But no matter, Santa will still come to visit you, as he does all good little boys and girls. And you certainly qualify as a good boy. The best, as a matter of fact, at least in Mommy's humble opinion.

Although. . .

This evening you weren't so very good. Not that you were "bad," or anything, you just weren't your usual sweet little self.

We tried to take you over to Big John's house for Christmas eve dinner, but it was so hot and noisy and bright there, and you were already so tired that you quickly became overstimulated. And when you're overstimulated you're grumpy. And when you're feeling grumpy it makes Mommy sad and grumpy (not with you, but with the situation). So we left early. You promptly fell asleep in the van and stayed that way until Mommy woke you up to change your clothes and your diaper before putting you to bed. Now you're all cozy, fast asleep (well, maybe not fast, but asleep at least) and Mommy is feeling much less stressed too, sitting here with her glass of wine, posting in your blog. Life is good.

Of course, I'll need to go to bed, as well, pretty soon so's Santa can come.

I wonder what he's going to bring for you?! I can't wait to see and then to tell you all about it after tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, my sweet baby boy.

I love you!

2007-12-22T12:20:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted lately. For some reason my time seems to be in short supply lately (hmmmm, wonder why that is?). :-)

Today is Saturday. The Saturday before xmas. Donald is at work, Lizzie is sick with a stomach virus, the baby is fussy, and I've sent William off to the grocery store to get popsicles and such for his sister.

Benjamin is currently in his swing making "light" fussy noises at me. These will soon escalate into "heavy" fussy noises. Yep. There he goes. BRB. . .

Back. Paci is in place, but this is only a short-term fix. I will have to go pick him up in just a moment. The swing is not where he wants to be.

Oop. . .gotta go!

2007-12-11T16:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Benjamin Bunny,

Happy two months old!!

Some birthday present, though--we took you to the doctor's office where they gave you two shots! One in each leg. You cried! I cried! But at least now I don't have to worry about you contracting whooping cough, polio, or a bunch of other things that I can't even spell, so maybe it was a good present after all. At least in the long run.

You weighed in at 13 lbs. 9.5 ounces. This puts you in the 90th percentile for weight. You're a big boy!

You measured at 23.25 inches--70th percentile.

And you have a big head, too. It's 41 cm, or roughly 16 inches in circumference. This puts you in the 75th percentile for heads.

I had noticed over the past few weeks that the tip of your nose appeared to be bruised, so I mentioned it to the doctor today and he seems to think you have a cavernous hemangioma. This means that you have a bunch of blood vessels under the skin in the very tip of your nose that give your nose the bruised appearance. It's similar to a "strawberry" birthmark, only under the skin. Your pediatrician assures us this is nothing to worry about, but you know mommy. . .I'm going to worry. At least until we get you in to see the specialist at UNC who the pediatrician recommended we take you to.

Gotta run! You've had enough of your bouncy chair and it's time to find something else to entertain you with.

I love you baby boy! So, so, soooooo much! You're a beautiful, wonderful baby.

Again, happy two months old!

2007-12-09T06:58:00.000-05:00

A quick update (for some reason I cannot seem to find the time to post these days! :-)

Two days ago you purposefully swatted at your hanging toys that we have strapped to your carseat handle. This is quite the milestone!

About five days ago you started sleeping through the night, though I do have to use the term loosely because you won't sleep for long unless you're in our bed. It seems that as long as you're touching me you're happy, but otherwise you're not going to sleep for any length of time.

We are more or less breastfeeding full-time. I still have some supply issues at night and generally you get a bottle then, but I've been able to pump enough during the day that you can at least get breast milk in the bottle.

OK, you're fussing and I have to go get you.

I love you!

2007-11-26T07:13:00.001-05:00

Benjamin's first Thanksgiving has come and gone. The Christmas tree is up and decorated. Today I am officially off maternity leave and tomorrow I actually have to go into the office.

Wah!

Where did the time go?!

Benjamin was six weeks old on Thanksgiving day. He's growing so quickly! Nowadays he's all smiles and, occasionally, laughs. He has such a beautiful smile. It's wonderful to see.

One of his favorite things to do is to lie in his playpen and look at himself in the mirror. Same with his swing--he likes to gaze at himself in the mirrored surface that hangs above him there. He smiles and "talks" to the baby in the mirrors.

He's such a good baby. Rarely does he ever cry. In fact, the only time he actually cries is when he's eating and he's stopped to burp. If he's still hungry he gets completely offended at being stopped and lets out a wail, but otherwise he seldom voices any sounds of distress.

Last night he nearly slept through the night. I say nearly because had he slept in the place where he was put down (his bassinet), he'd have offically slept through, but because he woke up around 1:30 a.m. grousing until I put him in our bed I have to say that he nearly, but not quite, slept through. Beyond coming into my bed, though, he slept through until 5 a.m. He had a bottle at 10 p.m., was wrapped up and put into his bassinet around 10:30 p.m. and did not eat again until 5 a.m. I'm excited for him. And for me!

It's going to be so awful having to leave him tomorrow. I know, I might as well get used to it because come January I'll have to do it everyday, but still. . . I am not looking forward to any of it.

Someone is getting a little grouchy at the baby in the mirror now. I think I'll go rescue him!

2007-11-16T05:35:00.000-05:00

It's 5:30 a.m.

Benjamin is swinging in his swing, hiccuping and staring at himself in the mirrored surface above him.

I took him out yesterday to Durham to have lunch with the group at the office. I hope that he hasn't picked up some bug--he seems to me to look a little "goopy" this a.m. His eyes are a little watery and when he was nursing earlier he sounded stuffy. Hopefully he's just sleepy. (I know I am!)

Speaking of nursing, I remain torn about the whole process. I'm still pumping for him, and supplementing with formula when I can't pump enough to keep up with him, but I've also, just this week, started trying to nurse him some. Monday it seemed that he was doing well with it: he nursed several times throughout the day and then slept soundly for hours afterwards. And Tuesday I tried the same tactic, but that evening after I nursed him he still took 5 ounces of expressed breast milk from the bottle, which indicated to me that something still isn't working. He's still not getting enough from me when he nurses. Although. . .throughout the night and in the early morning hours he seems to do just fine. So I don't know, I can't figure out what the deal is.

A part of me continues to be frustrated with it--the worrying, the pumping, the being unable to go for more than three hours at a time without either the baby or the pump, the logistical and strategic nightmare of trying to leave the house for any significant stretch of time and trying to determine how I'll feed him during that time--and wants to just stop altogether and go to formula because, in my mind, it's easiest and it will give me peace of mind that he's getting plenty of nutrients, all the time. But then I think about how we're going into flu season, how he is still so small and has a such an undeveloped immune system, and how good breast milk is for him in that regard, and then I feel so awful for even contemplating giving him formula when I have milk. Even if the process of getting it to him (i. e. pumping) is a pain in the ass sometimes.

Generally I get myself through this continual internal struggle by utilizing the AA tactic of "one day at a time." I tell myself that today I'll pump and nurse and I'll not to worry about what I'll do tomorrow. Tomorrow I might decide to go to formula and not pump and nurse, but today, I will do what it takes to continue to feed him breast milk.

It also helps when I remind myself that he's not going to be this small forever. That, in fact, this stage is going to be hard to remember very soon, because time flies and before I know it he's going to be all grown up, so I need to stop worrying so much and simply enjoy each and every fleeting moment of the here and now. And if it means spending some of that here and now time hooked up to a machine, pumping milk, well, I won't be doing it forever.

And speaking of here and now, he's falling asleep again. And he's so, so, so, so, sooooo darned cute doing it, too. Arms stretched out, fingers occasionally popping up, as though he's waving at someone in his dreams. Making little sleep noises around his pacifier. I just want to eat him up, he's so beautiful!

I think, though, that what I'll do instead is try to catch a little shut eye here on the couch while he's napping.

2007-11-10T17:23:00.001-05:00

Before I forget, Benjamin is smiling. Has been for almost a week now. He doesn't do it regularly, but I do believe it's definitely a social smile versus just some random facial twitch because when he does it he is looking at me and it's generally in response to something silly I'm saying to him.

Oh, and he is batting at his hanging toy that hangs over his playpen. Donald has this on video. While it does seem awfully early for this, it's happened too often to just be an accident.

2007-11-09T15:28:00.000-05:00

We took Benjamin in today for his one month well-baby check and he was declared the epitome of well-baby.

He weighed in at 10 lbs 14.5 ounces, surpassing his birth-weight. This makes his mommy ever so happy!

Speaking of weight gain. . .and eating. . . I have rented a hospital-grade pump to try and help increase my milk production during the day. But I can't really tell that it's a whole lot better than the electric pump I own. But I'll keep using it, at least for a month (which is the increment of time that one rents these things) and see how it goes.

I've really come to grips a lot more now with the whole breastfeeding--or lack thereof--issue. Bottom line is that Benjamin likes bottles. He likes boobies, too, but not for eating, only for comfort (unless it's the middle of the night and he's super hungry--he nurses fine then). So if he likes bottles, bottles he'll get. And I'll try my best to give him as much breast milk as I can in his bottle, but if the day comes that I can't do it anymore, it'll be OK. I have given him breast milk for his first month of life, which is a month longer than many woman do it, so every additional month--or day, or week--I can do it is great but I won't beat myself up about it if I can't do any longer.

So, let's see, what else?

I went to see a movie with William last week. We saw American Gangster. Donald stayed home with Benjamin. It was nice to get out and just be with William.

Donald is wonderful with Benjamin. And it's so nice having a child with someone who wants to be actively involved with the child.

All in all, I'm feeling much, much more settled and better overall. The hormones are under control, the feeding issues are gone, and there aren't any other health-related problems with either the baby or me.

Now I just wish I could devise a way to never have to go back to work, yet continue to bring home the same amount of money!

2007-11-02T16:29:00.000-04:00

So between all the formula and expressed breast milk supplements, Benjamin managed to gain enough weight at his Thursday weigh-in that we no longer have to go in for additional weigh-ins. Yay!!

Of course now I am faced with the dilemma of how best to provide him with nutrition. Can I go back to exclusively breastfeeding? Or will that result in a weight loss again?

What I've done today, and what I suppose I'll have to continue doing, is a combination of nursing, syringe supplements, expressed milk in a bottle, and formula in a bottle.

For example, this a.m. I nursed him exclusively through the night and again at 7 a.m. But at 10 a.m. I had Donald give him a bottle of formula. He took all four ounces! Then around 12:30 p.m. I nursed him again. At 3 p.m. I nursed him but I also, at the same time, gave him a syringe of breast milk. At 6 p.m. (or whenever he next seems hungry) I'll let Donald give him a bottle of expressed milk and I'll pump while he's doing that. Next time I'll nurse him again and then also let Donald either give him the breast milk I manage to pump at 6:00, or I'll have him give him a bottle of formula.

I'm not sure where this is going to lead eventually. Will I continue to be able to pump and do this quasi-nursing thing, or will it one day come down to where he's doing more formula than anything? I'll just have to play it all by ear, I guess.

Truth be told, there's a certain amount of. . .what's the word? relief? to bottle feeding. I know exactly how much is going into his little belly at a given time. Also, I'm afforded a little more freedom in that I can let others feed him. Of course, I feel guilty even saying that, because it's not as though I want to be away from him or anything, but there is a sense of, again, relief in knowing that I am not it when it comes to being able to provide sustenance for him.

Anyway. . .

He's awake again. I won't be able to type much more right now, I'm guessing. (Donald had his vasectomy today and is couch-bound for the remainder of the day and Benjamin, if I had to guess, will want to eat again soon.)

In the meantime, in other, more fun news Benjamin seems to have a birthmark on the right side of his head, above his ear. He also makes loud grunting sounds that lead me to refer to him as "Franken-baby." He has a perfectly round head with a covering of peachy-fuzzy hair. Because of that I sometimes call him "my fuzzy cantaloupe head." (I also call him "moon-pie head" sometimes, simply because of the roundness of his little dome.)

Oh well, time to heat a bottle of breast milk I do believe!

2007-10-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in a few days. Mainly because I was under the (mistaken) impression that all was well and there just wasn't much to write about. Ha! I shoulda known better!

We have just returned from yet another trip to the doctor's office (it's simply a miracle that he hasn't caught some awful cold from all the waiting rooms he's been in during his three weeks on the outside now) where we have learned that not only did he not gain weight since his visit last Thursday, he actually has lost a 1/2 ounce.

Donald says not to worry, that a 1/2 ounce is nothing. But it is something. . .it means he hasn't gained anything and in nearly five days he should have gained weight, not lost it.

So the doc's LC gave me this syringe with a little tube that I'm supposed to run down into his mouth while he nurses that will provide him with formula supplementation. I'm to do this every other time we nurse today and then at least four times tomorrow, then it's back to the doc on Thursday for another weight check.

I'm not sure what to do on Thursday if he has gained weight. Do I continue to supplement with the formula? I would assume, since it would seem that it was the formula and not my breastmilk that caused him to gain. But if that's the case, why keep trying to breastfeed? What's the point if he's not nursing enough to gain weight?

Grrrrrr. I'm so frustrated. And worried. Why won't he gain weight? Why is he having trouble nursing? Why doesn't he poop? Why, why, why?

2007-10-26T11:37:00.000-04:00

As for me, I'm feeling much more human.

Benjamin's lovely nighttime schedule is allowing me to get a goodly amount of sleep. I have lost almost all of my baby weight (still have about 20 lbs I want to lose, but I had that before I got pregnant). I can wear all of my rings now, even my engagement ring. And I'm wearing a pair of my "regular" jeans. Granted they are made with stretchy material in them, but still, they're ON and that's what counts!

2007-10-26T11:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Benjamin was two weeks old.

We went to the pediatrician's at 9 a.m. for his two week check up. He's gained weight well since his last visit, so no more grief from the doc or the LC there about supplements or anything else. He had not, as of our visit, pooped in five days, so we were concerned about that and the doc said we could try a 1/2 of a glycerin suppository, but lo and behold last night he did the deed all on his own. We were ecstatic! Now if he'll just do that a little more often than once every five days. . .

Yesterday afternoon we went back to the urologists for his circumcision follow up. Everything looked good there.

On the way home from that appointment he got extremely fussy in the car. We stopped so I could nurse him, and he calmed down, but as soon as we got back on our way, he started fussing again. I ended up hovering over him so he could nurse while being strapped in his car seat. Not the most comfortable of nursing positions.

So during the day we still don't have a schedule of any sort worked out. Sometimes he goes for three hours without nursing, sometimes he gets all worked up and I'm nursing him every hour or hour and 1/2. I still worry about supply and still think sometimes that going to a bottle would be better--at least then I'd have numbers to go by--but I'm trying to stick with it a few more weeks to see how things pan out. By the time he's a month to a month and 1/2 I figure that we should start seeing more of a pattern to his nursing habits and if, at that point, it still seems as though I can't go more than a few minutes between nursing him, I may decide to switch to bottles.

Nights, on the other hand, are going rather well (knock on wood). I nurse him around 10 p.m. and then Donald gives him a couple of ounces in a bottle of either expressed milk (if I've been able to pump during the day) or formula. Makes him full as a tick and he sleeps for at least four or five hours. In fact, this a.m. he probably would have slept longer had I not gotten him up and sort of forced him to nurse while in bed with me.

So while that part is going well, I still don't see how people who have small children manage this (breastfeeding in the beginning). Lizzie and William are older and certainly less demanding (most times) than toddlers and I still feel as though I'm being unfair to them by being constantly tied down to nursing. I'm already stressing out about how I'm going to manage attending Lizzie's cheer leading awards stuff. That's where bottle feeding would be nice. And again, the numbers on the bottle would indicate exactly how much he's eating so I wouldn't wonder whether or not he's getting enough.

Oh well, we'll just have to see how it goes.

(True confessions: There's also some selfish motivation for wanting to continue nursing--it does burn calories and helps with weight loss.)

Right now we have to get ready to go over to Willa's. We're going to be there with her while she puts her cat down. Sad stuff. But I couldn't see letting her go it alone. Hopefully Benjamin's belly will cooperate with this effort.

2007-10-23T20:44:00.001-04:00

Today was appointment day.

Mine at 11:00 a.m. in Chapel Hill (everything was fine--oh, and Benjamin had his hearing test and that, too, was fine), and then a consultation with a urologist in Cary at 2:30 p.m. for Donald (vasectomy!).

Benjamin more or less slept through the entire day, strapped in his carseat. In between the appointments we stopped at Regency Park so I could nurse him midday and then we had lunch at some icky coffee shop in MacGregor Village.

As far as nursing goes in general, Benjamin nursed last night around 10:00 and then Donald gave him the ounce and 1/2 of breastmilk I had pumped earlier, which he quickly downed. He slept until 2:40 a.m., at which time I got up, nursed him on the left (he went to sleep almost immediatley), changed his diaper, nursed him on the right (again, almost immediatley to sleep), and we went back to bed. He awoke again around. . .5? I put him in bed with me and nursed on one side, and we both fell back asleep until 7ish, when I rolled over and let him nurse on the other side. We slept that time until 9:00 a.m.

I suppose I need to stop putting him in bed with me, but it's soooo nice to be able to sleep. We'll see how it goes this a.m.

I had Donald give him a bottle of formula after our 9:00 a.m. nursing session this a.m. and he drank about an ounce and 1/2 and seemed very contented afterwards. I haven't done any further supplementing today, but will have Donald give him a bottle at his next feeding tonight, which should be around 10 p.m. I would have pumped today, but we were gone so much it was impossible.

Otherwise, what's going on? Let's see. . .

Benjamin's head control is improving. Amazingly so. He can hold it up and look around when on his tummy. And when I hold him in a sitting position to burp him, he holds his head steady then for quite some time.

Oh, and he is a very vocal baby. Lots of grunts, squeaks, and other noises, all the time. Lots of funny faces, too, to go with the noises. I need to get some video of him doing his thing. I wonder if this is an indication of how he'll be when he's older?

Tomorrow we have another visit scheduled with Cindi, the LC. This is all re: the fact that Benjamin didn't gain weight between his doctor visits. It will be interesting to see what her scales show. I personally think he's doing OK. . .but we'll see.

More tomorrow. . .

2007-10-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

(This is something I posted on trianglemommies.com that I wanted to save here. Several mommies posted to add some pretty important points to it, but this is just my original post.)

If I wrote etiquette books. . .

This is what I would have to say about visiting new mommies and babies (granted at this moment I'm grumpy and sleep deprived, but I think that this will hold true even after I get some sleep--if that day ever occurs!):

1. Never, ever, ever show up uninvited. Also, never call and simply announce that you are coming. Unless you have been invited by the new mom herself, stay home.

2. Never call the house phone. It cannot be put on vibrate. Call the cell phone. If you don't get an answer or a call back, don't be offended. If the new mom does answer, don't try to talk to her about your problems. In fact, don't keep her on the phone for any reason, no matter what it is. Ask if you can come over, if she says yes, hang up. Ditto if she says no (except before you hang up, be sure to say that you completely understand and you hope she gets some rest).

3. If you have been invited over, unless you are planning to clean the kitchen, do laundry, or complete some other much needed household task, DO NOT STAY for longer than 10 minutes. If you do, in fact, help out around the house, do so quietly and plan to leave directly afterwards.

4. Bring food. Preferably casseroles or other things that are quick and easy to heat and eat.

5. If you do bring food, bring it such that you can leave it. Do not, under any circumstances, assume that the new mom and dad will want to eat with you while you're there.

6. Do NOT bring children under the age of five.

7. If you must bring children under the age of five, make sure to bring your S.O. and that you have worked out beforehand who is to supervise the child, as it is not cool to let him/her run freely throughout the new mom's house, thus stressing her out even more than she already is. Also, it is absolutely critical that you adhere to the 10 minute rule in this case! (Which unfortunately my friends did not do, staying for nearly two hours while their three year old ran amok.)

2007-10-22T18:20:00.000-04:00

Yep, just when I thought things were going well, what do I do? I haul Benjamin off to the pediatrician's office to get his weight. Assuming, of course, the entire time that he's gained tons and that we are finally going to be pronounced completely healthy and normal. But naturally, that doesn't happen. Instead I find out that he's exactly the same weight, 9.85, that he was as the last time he was there (the 16th, six days ago now) and I get stuck with Dr. Personality (first name is No), who asked me numerous times, in spite of getting the exact same response from me each time, whether or not my milk was in and if Benjamin was eating at least every three hours (answers: yes and yes).

Something else to worry about. . .

2007-10-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day and things seem to be ironing themselves out in general.

Benjamin is nursing a lot better and being fussy a lot less. I'm getting some sleep (he slept from ~10:15 p.m. until 2:50 a.m. and I was able to get to sleep around 11 p.m.. When he woke up at 2:50 a.m. I was awake for about an hour, I guess, but then we all went back to sleep and slept until 6 something, at that point I nursed him in bed and then we slept until 9 a.m., so all totaled I got something like 9 hours of sleep!)

He is not, unfortunately, a big fan of his swing, as my other two were. He'll hang out in it for awhile, but it's not the continued source of soothing that it was to William and Elizabeth. Benjamin would much rather be held. Of course, then if you're holding him, he'd like to be nursed, too. But that's OK, this too shall pass I know. In the meantime, the daytime hours are a bit challenging, as I can't just hold and nurse constantly.

I have ordered a DVD and book entitled Happiest Baby on the Block that the mommies on the Triangle forum recommended. Supposedly it contains a lot of good ideas on helping babies help soothe themselves. Wish it would hurry and get here!

We don't have anything on today's agenda except to go to the pediatrician's office for a weight check on their scales. According to Cindi's scales, he'd actually lost a bit of weight, but I'm hoping that was just a difference in scales. We'll see this afternoon.

The rest of this week we have appts everyday. Tomorrow is Chapel Hill for me and Cary Urology for Donald (vasectomy time!). Wednesday I have an appt to talk to a Coast Guard recruiter with William and then Lizzie has an orthodontist appt. Thursday we follow up with Raleigh Urology on Benjamin's circumcision. Friday he has his two week check up.

*Whew*

It's going to be one of THOSE weeks!

But at least I have some sleep this time, and the weather looks like it'll be nice.

2007-10-20T16:49:00.001-04:00

Benjamin's feeding times for the day (beginning Saturday, 20 October):

3:15 am: nursed
6:00 am: nursed
9:10 am: nursed
10:00 am: 2 oz. of formula
11:30 am: nursed
2:30 p.m.: nursed
4:00: nursed
5:15: nursed
8:15: nursed
*9:35: nursed
12:00 a.m.: nursed
2:00 a.m.: nursed
5:00 a.m.: nursed
8:20 a.m.: nursed
9:35 a.m.: nursed
10:40 a.m.: nursed

2:35 p.m.: nursed

*The 9:35 p.m. feeding was basically a continuation of the 8:15 session. When I nursed him at 8:15 we stopped for a diaper change, nursed some more, then stopped to put his clothes and his swaddle blanket on, then nursed. He finally stopped nursing around 10:15 and slept then until midnight.

2007-10-20T13:41:00.000-04:00

So Cindi (Freeman is her last name) has come and gone.

And I'm feeling so much better about things. (Well, at least breastfeeding things--I'm still feeling a little weepy in general, but Donald has gone off to fetch the prescription of Zoloft that the Birth Center called in last night so hopefully I'll start feeling better all the way around here soon.)

Cindi was so gentle and kind and patient and she LISTENED to me. And best of all, she said that she thought things looked really good. That we both, Benjamin and I, seemed to be performing our individual parts well with regards to nursing.

Bottom line, though, is that I need to build up my milk supply and the best way to do that is to nurse. So what she has recommended for today is a "baby/breastfeeding honeymoon" of sorts: Stay in bed, lots of skin to skin contact, lots of nursing. And if tonight he does his "I'm still hungry" thing, give him a supplemental bottle of either expressed milk (providing I pump some today) or formula. (I'm so glad she said that--I was afraid that she'd be a breastfeeding nazi, as many LCs are, and would say "NO BOTTLE FOR YOU!" and would make me feel really badly about the bottles he's already had, but she isn't/didn't and instead was really cool about being flexible.)

So I'm going to do the stay in bed thing (with lots of sunshine and lights so that I don't get depressed) and see what happens.

Whatever happens, right now I feel better, and that's nice.

Maybe I will get through this!

2007-10-20T10:27:00.000-04:00

Last night was great.

Around 10:30 I had nursed Benjamin for, all totaled, over an hour, but he was still hungry, or acted that way, at any rate. So I had Donald give him roughly two ounces of breast milk I'd pumped earlier. He downed all of that and went to sleep.

And he slept until 3 a.m.!

At 3 a.m. I got him up, nursed on one side, had Donald change his diaper, nursed on the other side, laid him back down and he slept until. . .6? Ish.

At that point I got him up, put him in bed with us and nursed him on both sides again.

He slept until 9:10!

But then. . .

I nursed him on the left side. I had Donald change him. I nursed him on the right side. He just played on that side, never really nursed well. But he acted as though he was done, so I put him in his swing so that I could eat something for breakfast. He immediately began to scream. And nothing made him feel any better. Not the swing, not Donald holding him, not being burped. So I did it. I broke down.

I gave him a bottle of formula. (Well, I gave Donald the bottle of formula to give him.)

Two entire ounces he ate.

And now he is, seemingly, contented.

He's swinging in his swing, not asleep, eyes wide open, in fact, no pacifier, just hanging out. No screaming.

I don't understand what's going on. Either I don't have the milk or he isn't latching on correctly or maybe he has had enough of a bottle that he really isn't interested in working at the breast anymore. I just don't know. The midwives at the Birth Center have said that Hispanic babies are switched back and forth from breast to bottle from the start and don't seem to have any issues, so maybe it won't be a big deal with him either.

But I feel like such a. . .failure.

I want to breastfeed, I really do, but at the same time I don't want to be a human pacifier, and more importantly, I don't want him to be hungry.

I'll be very interested in what the lactation consultant has to say today. I hope she can help. I know that formula isn't going to kill him, but I mean, sheesh. . .nothing else has gone right--I didn't have the birth experience I'd hoped for, he had the whole bilirubin issue and we were out of the house everyday his first week of life to take him to someone who would stab his foot--at the very least I'd like for breastfeeding to work out.

P.S. Note to self: I opened the can of formula today, Saturday, 20 October. The can says to discard any unused powder in a month.

2007-10-19T17:02:00.000-04:00

Benjamin is now eight days old.

Today has been a good day, compared with the past few.

I slept last night for probably. . .six? hours. Not straight, but total. Not too shabby.

I had, last night, decided that I might just call this whole breastfeeding thing quits. But I called a lactation consultant today; Cindi somebody (can't remember her last name), who was recommended on the Triangle Mommies forum. She seems, on the phone at least, both knowledgeable and nice. Sympathetic to the plight of new mommies. She's coming here to the house tomorrow to do an assessment. This'll cost money, but if she can help me feel better about the whole breast feeding thing, it's money well spent. And I've decided to give it three months. If I can nurse him for at least three months then I won't let myself feel guilty for stopping. If at three months things are going smoothly, I might consider giving it another three months so that he'll have been nursed for six months total. Almost all of the studies I've read about the benefits of breastfeeding use six months as the time frame of the study. But if at three months I'm still having issues and it seems that we would both be better served by bottles of formula, that's what I'll do.

Other than the breastfeeding thing, though, I wish I could make myself feel better in general. I am trying so hard to be upbeat and optimistic, but this depression lies just beneath the surface and it takes just the tiniest scratch to bring it bubbling up. I can be feeling fine, then wham! it'll hit me.

Today the "thing"that has me depressed is the loss of freedom. I think back to a mere week and a half ago, when I was lying on the couch, reading a book, doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. Or a month ago, when Donald and I spent the evening all by ourselves in a bed and breakfast, no demands on us at all. And yes, of course I thought about all of this when I decided to get pregnant and I was perfectly aware of what sort of sacrifice of time, emotion, etc. having a baby would mean. . .but that doesn't change the fact that right this moment I'm a tad resentful. And OF COURSE I feel guilty as hell for even feeling that resentment. So there you go, today's problems: resentment and guilt.

And those are just the most recent bit of neuroses to strike me. Add it to the ongoing feeling of inadequacy, the constant worry over things I can't change, and the overwhelming anxiety I have about the future (both near and distant--e.g. from having to go back to work to Donald's health) and what you have is someone who feels completely out of control and lost. And I can't get it to stop!

Far out. Just typing about all of this has gotten me all teary and morose feeling.

God, what is WRONG with me?? I want OFF this ride!!

Maybe I will go on Zoloft!

In the meantime, thank FSM for Donald. If he weren't here I think I'd have seriously lost it by now.

2007-10-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

This depression comes over me in waves. I can feel it coming, taking over my entire countenance. I know it's hormonally driven, but knowing that doesn't make it better.

It's not been a bad day, either, all things considered. (Which further proves that it's a hormone thing.)

Benjamin was circumcised today. And while we were waiting in the doctor's office for the doctor to perform the procedure, his (Benjamin's, not the doctor's) umbilical stump fell off. So he left two pieces of himself in Raleigh Pediatric Urology.

But on another note, I have what appears to be a malfunctioning breast. My right breast doesn't seem to be producing milk for some reason.

Going to go look it up and see what I can find. The What to Expect the First Year book addresses it and suggests that I've just preferred the other breast for some reason, but then it also says something about occasionally the infant will reject a breast with a malignancy. Naturally this is what I've focused on.

2007-10-17T19:21:00.001-04:00

It's official: I am a milk machine. And that's it. A human milk production facility.

Oh, and Benjamin won't sleep. Not on his own, in his own space, for any length of time that would allow me to sleep, anyway. But boy, haul him out to the van, strap him in his car seat, lug him out of his car seat, put him in his stroller and take him to a middle school football game complete with yelling and screaming and he sleeps. . .well, like a baby.

Meanwhile, I've been reduced to a milk-producing, sleep-deprived, hormonal zombie.

But at least tonight I'm not a crying milk-producing, sleep-deprived, hormonal zombie. Not yet anyway. The night, though, is young. But I'm trying hard to maintain. Donald helps me. He is such a wonderful husband. If not for him then I seriously think I'd have to give consideration to checking into Dorothea Dix, or the equivalent thereof.

I don't understand, either. I wasn't like this with Lizzie. Perhaps I was a bit with William. . .I do recall going to the pediatrician's office one day with my breasts bound in an Ace bandage because I just couldn't take it anymore. Fortunately they were able to talk me down and I resumed breast feeding. But I was 18 then. It was understandable that I should have a hard time coping. I'm not 18 anymore. I've done this twice already. I made my living taking care of not one baby but five of them at a time in child care nurseries. So what in the hell is going on here? Why am I struggling so much?

I don't get it.

And I feel so guilty.

I've contemplated bottle feeding.

I know! How awful!

He needs breastmilk. And I have breastmilk.

If only he'd SLEEP.

I nurse him. He sleeps. I lie him down. He sleeps for ten minutes at a time. Then he wiggles. Startles. Cries. I nurse him. It's a vicious circle.

Currently he's in his swing. Moaning. Working up to a cry.

I just nursed him an hour ago.

I guess I'll nurse him again.

I'm serious about the bottle thing.

But I'd feel so damned guilty. . .

P.S. His bilirubin level went down even farther today, from 13.8 the day before yesterday to 13.2 today. And he pooped today. He hadn't pooped in over 24 hours and I was getting a little wigged out. But he pooped today, so I'm happy. (Bet there aren't many occasions in life where one gets to write such a sentence. Thank FSM.)

2007-10-16T19:59:00.000-04:00

I can't stop crying.

Today (Tuesday) wasn't a bad day, really. Benjamin actually slept pretty well last night and was doing great this a.m. But tonight, for some reason, he won't sleep. By himself, that is. He sleeps great if I'm nursing him or otherwise holding him, but as soon as I lie him down he starts wiggling and crying. He won't sit in the swing either. It's going to be one of those nights.

In the meantime, I have a low grade fever and everything in the world is wrong.

2007-10-15T13:01:00.000-04:00

Benjamin is four days old today. (As days go, it's a good one so far. He's slept. He's eaten. He's "played" with me. Hopefully tonight will be a good night, too. Last night wasn't much fun, he was colicky.)

The past three days have been a total blur. Which I always assumed they would be, but in this case, they've not just been a blur of new baby, but a blur of doctor visits and near-hospital admittance.

Benjamin has blood group incompatibility jaundice.

I'm blood type O+. Benjamin is type A. We're not compatible. I have produced antibodies that are inside of his little body, attacking his red blood cells.

I did not mean to do this.

He's being treated here at home with a "biliblanket," a light-emitting device that he wears on his back constantly. The day before yesterday his levels had increased by nearly 5 points. Between Saturday and Sunday they'd only increased by one point. We have to go have his blood drawn daily to determine how things are going. I'm hoping that they tell me today it's going down. But I don't want to get my hopes up too high. While he is eating frequently and is well-lighted, he's just not eliminating waste as he should be. He hasn't had a dirty diaper in over 24 hours. And last night he obviously had tummy troubles, as he was a very colicky baby there for a few hours.

So now I'm worried about the inner workings of his little abdomen.

Worry, worry, worry. That seems to be my new M.O.

That's the other thing. . .I'm so hormonal and weepy. I'm sick with worry--about the baby, of course, but also about just anything and everything, too, it seems.

There hasn't been one day since his birth that I haven't broken down in tears. And I'm not weepy over the whole jaundice/poop issue--which if I'm going to cry you'd think that would be enough to keep me busy--I'm all emotional over things that I can't control at all.

For instance, this a.m. in the shower I started crying because William is going to visit UNC-W this weekend. That means he's going to be leaving soon. That means I'm losing a child. That means that Lizzie is growing up. She's nearly 13. She'll soon be changing, becoming a teenager. Leaving me. This means that Donald is getting older. He's 62 already. We've been together for 10 years and they've gone by in a flash. What's going to happen in another 10 years? I'm going to blink and he'll be 72. What will he be like then? What biologically does he have festering under the surface that I can't see that might take him away from me? From Benjamin? I don't want him to leave me. Leave us. And I know, I know, I know. I can't stop time. And worrying about all the things to come and the what ifs means that I'm not engaging and enjoying in the here and now. I know all this. And still I cry.

God, I'm a mess.

2007-10-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

This is an account of Benjamin's birth (yes, though I had my doubts, he was finally born), picking up where I left off from the last post:

Wednesday, 10 Oct. Donald and I made yet another trip to Chapel Hill. We met Maureen at. . .I don't remember what time now, but sometime in the morning. She examined me and, lo and behold, the Foley catheter, while it hadn't fallen out, had made some difference to my cervix. She estimated that I was between three and four centimeters dilated. This was great news. Only one problem: I was no longer contracting.

Initially the plan had been to immediately admit me to UNC and get the induction process going. Unfortunately, UNC was having a rush of pregnant women delivering babies, so Maureen went with Plan B, which entailed officially admitting me to the birth center and using homeopathic methods of inducing labor.

So after going downstairs (to the birthing rooms), Maureen started pumping me full of blue and black cohosh. Every 30 mins I would take a shot of the two herbs mixed with distilled water. It tasted like. . .nothing really. She also bound my belly up in a sheet (in hopes of pushing Benjamin down toward the exit sign) and had me walk. Donald and I took a nice stroll down a little wooded road behind the birth center, but by midday it had gotten warm enough that I no longer felt good being outdoors, so there was quite a bit of sitting, or lying down, doing nothing.

Hours passed. Still no contractions.

Liz and the kids showed up around 1 or 2. My Dad and Carol showed up, too, after awhile. My mother came for a little bit. We watched a movie. At some point Maureen finally convinced me to drink castor oil. I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going to go that route, having read nothing conclusive online about its effectiveness, but I let her talk me into it because, I mean, what the hell, I wasn't doing anything else, might as well give it a try.

It really wasn't so bad. She mixed the oil with coca-cola and then had me chase that concoction down with a Reese's cup. I held my nose so I couldn't really taste the oil, but nothing was going to mask the consistency. Urg. But the peanut butter cup made it all better.

I expected it to work immediately, but it didn't. No effect whatsoever for. . .two hours or more. And then it really wasn't the horrific event that I imagined it would be. (The Big Mac and french fries I ate for lunch probably had just as much to do with the gastrointestinal issues I had as anything!) Coincidentally, though, shortly after the effects of the castor oil began, contractions also began. (My theory on the castor oil thing is that I eat enough oil and other rich stuff--cream, butter--that castor oil was not a big deal to my system.)

It was. . .5:45ish and we were sitting around, doing nothing much (which is what we did most of the day) and I started having mild contractions. Once the contractions seemed as though they were around to stay, Donald started timing them and they were fairly consistently five minutes apart. At this point, Maureen had been bugging UNC for a room and we were waiting to get the word from the hospital that we could come over.

Somewhere around 7:30, when it was obvious the contractions were around to stay awhile, Maureen had me go for another walk. Everyone came along and we walked around the block. As were coming up the back side of the birth center, I could hear someone calling my name from the parking lot. UNC had called to say that they had a room and I was to get there ASAP. So, scramble, scramble, we got up all of our stuff and headed down the road to UNC. Donald dropped Suzanne (a GSK co-worker and licensed masseuse whom I'd "hired" to be my personal masseuse during labor) and me at the door and we went and got into the room while he parked the car.

They started pitocin almost as soon as I got into the room, but Maureen said that they didn't give me much at all, so I don't know how much of the labor can be attributed to pitocin and how much to the fact that my body had started the process itself, but not long after I got to UNC the contractions really started to get intense. Very intense. Extremely intense. So intense that at one point I wished that I would die rather than endure the pain. If it hadn't been for Suzanne massaging my back and Donald letting me lean my forehead into his hand, I'd have never been able to handle as much of those contractions as I did. They were bad. I'd never experienced anything like with William or Lizzie because I'd gotten an epidural earlier in the process.

I had to get an epidural this time, too.

I still feel kind of like a failure because, I mean, here I was going to have the all natural birth experience at the birth center, no IVs, no monitors, no pitocin, no epidural. . .but there I was, laid up in the hospital, monitor wires everywhere, IV line in my hand. So much for my plans. But I thought, well, the least I can do is have a birth with no pain meds. However, despite all the awful contractions, I just wasn't dilating. And the pain. . .the pain was wearing me out. So I eventually gave up there, as well, and had an epidural. I must admit, it was wonderful to see the contractions spike on the monitor but not to experience them. Still. . .

Oh well. The best laid plans. . .

So, anyway, around, I don't know, sometime early morning on the 11th, I started feeling the contractions again. Nowhere near the level of pain as before, but no longer was I able to sit back and watch them happen on the monitor without being able to feel them. Eventually I told Maureen that it felt as though the baby had lodged himself smack between my legs and that I thought that a push or two would be a good thing. After examining me and discovering that I'd finally made my way to 10 centimeters, she agreed. The time was somewhere around 5 a.m. Donald was on my left, along with Lizzie and Liz. Suzanne was on my right, helping to hold my right leg.

I pushed.

And I felt him move down.

I pushed again.

He moved some more.

I pushed again.

I could feel him there, crowning. Maureen had me feel his head with my hand. He couldn't stay there, it hurt too badly.

I pushed again.

This time I don't know what part was where, only that the pain was unbearable and he had to get out of there. Had to.

I pushed again.

And again, taking only a moment to catch my breath.

It was 5:39 a.m.

One more push. . .and there he was! On my belly instead of in it. All 10 pounds of him. Wet, slimy, stunned. Glorious. Beautiful. Gorgeous.

Our son.

Benjamin Radcliff Zepp.

I'm in love.

2007-10-09T22:06:00.000-04:00

Let me see if I can quickly capture the past two days.

Yesterday we went to the birth center where Maureen, the midwife, swept my cervix. Almost immediately after, I started having contractions. She sent us to UNC hospital for an ultrasound. The ultrasound indicated that the baby, while still enjoying a thriving uterine environment, measures at a birth weight greater than 11 pounds! After Maureen got the results of the ultrasound and saw how regularly I was contracting, she sent us out to get some lunch and walk around, too see how things progressed. Contractions continued, going from 5 mins apart to 2 or 3 minutes apart. We went back to the birth center at 3:30. Maureen got a room ready downstairs and had me hang out in there, with my belly all bound up, to see what would happen. I guess we stayed there. . .I don't remember, a couple of hours, maybe? Nothing else much happened, no dilation, so we went home with instructions to call this a.m.

This a.m. I called at 8:30. Was told to meet Maureen at 12:30. Went in, had an exam, still no dilation. A doctor from UNC was there, she examined me, swept the cervix again. She and Maureen discussed my options. Option 1 was to go home, come again tomorrow a.m., do another sweep and see what happens, if no change then they would insert a Foley catheter into my cervix to see if that would help dilate it. Option 2 was to go ahead and insert the Foley catheter today, go home, if no progress tonight then to go to UNC tomorrow morning to be medically induced. I went with option 2.

They inserted the Foley catheter, after much painful poking and prodding, and I immediately began to have contractions. We stayed at the birth center a couple of hours and were given the choice to hang out there or go walking around Chapel Hill and see what, if anything, happened, or to just go home and see what would happen. I chose home. And here I am still. It's now 10:15 p.m. Tuesday evening.

Contractions have basically stopped. Although I still have the occasional one that really hurts like hell. There's blood at the end of the catheter, which freaked me out a bit, but Maureen says that it is normal and perhaps a sign of dilation. But since contractions have more or less stopped. . .I dunno. . .I'm thinking that there's really nothing going on. What good are contractions without dilation and what good is dilation without contractions? And why, oh why, won't this baby come out?!

It looks to me, at this point, like I'll be at the hospital in the a.m. But. . .wait. . .the midwife just called. I could be going to the birth center first and trying some of their herbal induction stuff. Good grief! Who knows what's gonna happen now? I'm going to go get in the bath and then go to bed.

To be continued. . .

2007-10-07T13:26:00.000-04:00

Sunday, 1:30ish, and I'm happy to report that I have lost my mucous plug. This sounds, I know, rather icky and unappealing, but to me it's fantastic. It's an indication that something, at least, is happening related to oncoming labor. Of course, the pregnancy books and literature all say that loss of this mucousy (is that a word?) thing means only that something is going on with the cervix, it does not necessarily mean that labor is right around the corner. In fact What to Expect. . . says that labor could still be weeks away. Good grief, let's hope not!

2007-10-06T11:54:00.000-04:00

It's October 6th. Five days past my "ultrasound" due date. Eight days past my "calendar" due date. Since it would seem the ultrasound due date is the more accurate of the two, I'll go with that one as the official due date, but either way you look at it, I'M LATE!!!

And I'm extremely frustrated.

I just don't understand why things are not progressing. For three weeks now I've been exactly one centimeter dilated. Supposedly I am pretty well effaced, but effacement doesn't mean a thing without dilation. And of course I can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me! What is going on internally that is causing this whole process not to progress. And what would they have done about it 100 years ago, pre-inducing drugs and hospital intervention? Would I be facing the death of my child? Or me? Or both? Because at some point the womb becomes an unhealthy place and the baby becomes distressed. So what then?

I know come Monday that they'll start looking at such scenarios and trying to prevent them from occurring, but I can't help thinking the worst is going to happen. And I can't help thinking that somehow I'm defective. Here I am, Mrs. Fertility with the wide, child-birthing hips, but without the ability to actually go into labor. And all these months that I've been dreaming about my calm, serene birth-center birth are going to be just that, a dream. In the end I'm going to have to be strapped to a fetal monitor, flat on my back in a hospital bed with scores of strangers poking and prodding at my most intimate of body parts.

And of course there are fears about the baby. Is he going to be OK until they get around to sending me in for ultrasounds to determine the health of the placenta and the level of amniotic fluid? Is there something wrong with him already and that's the reason that I'm not dilating--there's a defect there that they haven't seen?

I'm scared.

And frustrated. And angry. And increasingly depressed.

I'm to the point to where I don't want to do anything except curl up on the couch and sleep so I don't have to think and worry. Unfortunately, sleep continues to be elusive due to achy knees and hips, an overburdened bladder, and as of this past weekend, a head cold.

I know that one day soon this all has to be over, one way or the other. But exactly how it's going to end is the mystery and it's driving me crazy thinking about it. Chances are I'm just being impatient and paranoid. . .but if so, I really can't help myself. Something just doesn't feel right. . .

2007-09-27T22:02:00.001-04:00

Well, we're back from our visit to the midwives.

No change since last visit re: cervical ripeness, unfortunately. Was sent home with instructions to be sure to take evening primrose oil each and every night and to come back early next week for a "stripping" of the membranes around my cervix.

I've pretty much decided that none of this stuff really works and that I'm just not granola crunchy enough to be going to a birth center where one obviously has to suspend belief in scientific proof of efficacy and instead be willing to accept anecdotal evidence as sound proof. Sorta like people who believe in religion have to do. Wait. . .

Yes, as nice and cozy as I believe giving birth at this place is going to be (if I'm able to give birth without medical induction--something else I'm beginning the feeling isn't going to happen), I would trade it all right now for a scheduled induction. I would. Honest. I might regret those words later on, but right now that's how I feel.

Anyway, off to finish a movie now. Maybe something will happen tonight? Maybe, maybe, maybe. I can always hope, anyway.

2007-09-27T13:21:00.000-04:00

Today is D day. Due date day. But no sign yet that Benjamin has any inclination of coming out and joining us anytime soon.

We have to leave here in a moment for my weekly visit with the midwives. I'm hoping that they'll, through the exam, be able to tell me that something has changed, but I have to admit, I'm not going to hold my breath. I just don't feel like there's been any change.

Will update the blog after the visit.

2007-09-20T20:11:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned before that I'm tired of being pregnant? Standing is uncomfortable, sitting is uncomfortable, lying down is uncomfortable, walking is uncomfortable--everything is uncomfortable. My hips ache, my feet hurt, I'm as swollen as an engorged tick, and I'm tired because I have to wake up at least three times a night to either flip over or use the bathroom.

But I went in to see the midwife today and she examined me and I'm only a centimeter dilated--the same as I was the last visit, two weeks ago. Total bummer. And I'm beginning to think that all these "natural" methods of trying to help speed things along are a load of crap. I did acupuncture, nothing. I've been using the oil of primrose, nada. I'm beginning to get really discouraged.

I talk to the baby everyday now on the way in to work. I tell him that it's time to come out and meet face to face. That I understand how nice and cozy it is in there where he is, but how great his room looks and how he's really going to like meeting everyone and would he please go ahead and make an appearance already.

And yeah, besides being physically miserable and exhausted, I am ready to finally meet this child. I just can't wait to lay eyes on him. To see who he looks like, what color eyes he has, whose hair he inherited, whose temperament he has ended up with. To hold him and smell him and rock him and nurse him and play with him and teach him things and just be with him. This stage--the pregnancy--has been fun, but now it's time to move on to the next event: having a baby.

So when will he come? I'm beginning to get this awful feeling that he's going to be like his brother and simply never want to come out. Should that happen they'll eventually send me to UNC hospital and induce me, which would be extremely disappointing because that is not the way I have planned to deliver. But I suppose at that point it really won't matter. By that time it would be close to the middle of October and if how I feel now gets steadily worse as the days progress, then by the time mid-October rolls around I'm betting that I'd be willing to do most anything just so long as the end result is having the baby and being unpregnant.

Urg.

Well, I really need to write some thank you notes, but I'm full of Mexican food and Baskin-Robbins ice cream and I'm just not feeling particularly industrious, so I believe that I'll go lie down and try to get as comfortable as I can and read a book.

Maybe next time I get a chance to post I'll have had the baby! A person can dream, anyway. . .

2007-09-11T15:14:00.001-04:00

Hi Benjamin!

Guess what? You're 37 weeks old now (gestational age)! It's time to go ahead and start thinking about coming out to see us.

Please.

Mommy is getting very tired of hauling you around in her uterus because you're getting to be such a big boy now. It would be sooo much easier on Mommy's back and hips if she could occasionally carry you in a sling or, even better, put you down on your own in your pretty little bassinet.

The midwives also agree that it's OK for you to come and be with us out here. So will you please consider it soon? As much fun as you and I have had together, we're going to have even more fun once you decide to come out. I promise!

Will you at least give it some thought? Ideally you'll wait until after this Saturday, because Daddy and I have plans to go to a bed & breakfast Saturday in Durham. But if you decide that you can't wait that long, that's perfectly OK by me. Daddy and I can always reschedule and go another time.

Just think about it.

I love you!

Love,
Mommy

2007-09-03T02:22:00.000-04:00

It's official, I'm ready for this to be over. Being pregnant has, for the most part, been an enjoyable experience, but I'm at the point now where every bit of the fun has worn off and I'm simply miserable and ready to have my body back.

It's 2:20 a.m., Labor Day. I can't sleep. I was asleep, a little while ago, on the couch. But then William came home, with three friends in tow, which added to the two friends Lizzie has over, has resulted in seven tween- or teen-aged monsters lurking in various areas of my house. While they aren't the core reason I can't sleep--that has to do with only being able to position myself either on my right side or my left side, meaning that either my right arm and leg or my left arm and leg aches and falls asleep throughout the night, depending--they are now a large part of the reason that I can't get back to sleep.

William and his friends are upstairs in the bonus room and Lizzie and her friends are downstairs in her room. I could go upstairs and banish William and his friends to his room and take over the couch up there, but it wouldn't be any better than I have it down here, on the living room sofa, where I can clearly hear Lizzie and her friends in her room, so I may as well stay here. At least I expect pre-teen girls to be goofy and silly and, therefore, am not as likely to go biting heads off as I would be if I had to listen to teen-aged boys acting goofy and silly. As it is, I'm sorely tempted to go round them all up, girls and boys alike, and dump them off at their respective houses.

It's not been a good evening for me in general. I was feeling out of sorts for no explainable reason earlier in the night. I'm still feeling that way, only now I have also tacked on insomnia, physical discomfort, and general pissiness at having so many !@#$%^ people in my home. I keep reminding myself that it's a good thing that the children's friends want to be here, because that way I can keep tabs on them all. But tonight I'm having a hard time feeling positive about such things because all I really want is peace and quiet and a good, comfortable night's sleep.

Not that I'd be likely to get that even if there weren't any children here. Again, sleeping is simply not comfortable these days. Although I generally don't suffer from insomnia, I do wake up on and off throughout the night with a full bladder and sore arms and legs, never sleeping for any length of time at any one stretch. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to sleep either flat on my back or splayed out on my tummy! Soon enough such positions will be possible again, I know. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do, except accept being achy and sleep deprived and try not to verbally or otherwise harm the children and/or their friends.

I'm going to sign off now and give the living room couch another try. I was able to sleep there earlier, hopefully I can again. Of course, if these girls don't shut up soon. . .

2007-08-23T15:19:00.001-04:00

There was a comic in the paper the other day that sort of summed up my approach to this whole blog thing. Of course I can't remember which comic it was (I can hardly remember my own name these days), and I can't find the !@#$ paper either, but it essentially was about how one starts out with high expectations and aspirations for writing monumentally important thoughts and ideas but eventually ends up reporting the simple, mundane, everyday stuff, such as what was served for dinner the night before.

That is exactly what has happened here. I mean, sure, I do want to talk about some the mundane stuff, because a year from now I'll have forgotten that I was craving fig newtons and felt like a Mack truck had run over me for most of the last month, but I also was hoping to find a place to share some of my "deeper" thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy and about the person I am currently creating here in my uterus and I really haven't done much of that. I certainly think about such things all the time, but I never seem to get what's swirling around in my head to come out here on the screen.

So what stops me from being able to share that stuff? It's just too much work? Lack of writing ability? I'm afraid it'll sound trite? Or stupid? I get bored and distracted too easily? A lack of time?

All of the above?

Sigh.

Oh well, I am hereby making a promise to myself to do better next time. Right now the cleaners are here and I have to find somewhere to hide out.

2007-08-19T20:03:00.000-04:00

Hi Benjamin,
Well, we had our baby shower today. We had a nice turnout--Aunt Liz seems to feel that approximately 50 people were here--and we (well, you more so than me) received a lot of lovely gifts.

I'm glad it's all over though, to be honest. I was combing my hair earlier in the day while getting ready and I pulled a muscle in my back. So it was tough having to play the happy & polite hostess when all I really wanted to do was go lie down and make my back stop hurting. Not to mention that the six women who threw the shower for me (Aunt Liz, my mother, Shaile, Rayna, Willa, & Kristen) all ended up nearly killing each other, which was pretty stressful for me. Not that any of them were rude or ugly to each other today (well, except for maybe one little episode), still. . . It was fun and it was nice seeing everyone, but it's also nice that it's over.

Even though we got a lot of stuff, I still have many things to get. We didn't get a swing, or a playpen, or a car seat thingy for the stroller, or a diaper bag, or nearly enough blankets, or any wipes and diapers (we're going to use cloth, but they recommend not starting those until two weeks after you're born), or a breast pump. . . Anyway, point is, I now have a lot of shopping to do and not too much time to do it in.

Well, your father, it seems, overindulged in the wine today and is now snoring loudly here beside me, so I think it's time for me to go harass him and keep him awake until it's closer to bedtime. (Plus he said he'd rub my back and I intend to make him live up to that promise.)

Much love,
Mommy

2007-08-10T12:13:00.000-04:00

Hi Benjamin!

It's been a little while since I checked in here, just thought I'd write and give a brief update on how things are going.

Actually, not too much going on lately, which is good. I don't expect much action for another month or so. You're growing, I'm growing, we're both doing well.

We have finally gotten the nursery painted and most of the furniture in it (we're still waiting on the dresser to come in) and it's all coming together nicely, as I envisioned it. There are still some small things to do in there, such as hang artwork and put books and toys on your shelves, but that's just "fun" stuff that I can wait to do even after you're here. Especially considering as how you will mostly be in my room in a bassinet for the first few months after you're born. Mommies are very paranoid and feel the need to keep the baby close by. (Or at least this mommy is like that, anyway.)

This weekend your aunt, your sister, and several of my friends are putting together a baby shower at our house. I'm looking forward to it. Mainly because after this weekend I'll know for sure what I don't have and can go out and get it. I have held off buying a lot of things until after this shower in the event that someone else gets it. (I'm not the best about returning stuff, so it's better that I only have one of something.) Of course I'm also looking forward towards seeing everyone and eating lots of yummy things. :-)

Speaking of yummy things, your father sent me a link to some study wherein pregnant rats who ate a lot of junkfood had baby rats who preferred junkfood. Now I'm not a rat and neither are you, and the study did say that a human correlation really couldn't be had at this time, but IF there's any truth to it then I think you're doomed to like junkfood because these days sweets are high on the list of foods that sound appealing to me (which is a rather short list most days). Some of my current "favorite" sweet things are: fig newtons, figs & goat cheese on crackers, ice cream (preferably in a waffle cone), pudding (I do try to limit it to sugar free), oreos, Loco Pops (Mexican Popsicles available only in Durham/Chapel Hill), and Mellow Mushroom's oatmeal cookies.

Besides sweets I still have a thing for Mexican and Indian foods. Other than that, though, it gets tough sometimes to think of things to eat that sound good. Some days I have to force myself to eat dinner simply because I know I need to.

Other pregnancy goings on? I am getting tired again, sort of a repeat of the way I felt the first trimester. Bone tired. Dog tired. Want to lie down and nap all the time tired. It doesn't help any that we've had a couple of intense heat waves where the temp has been >100 degrees F for several days in a row. Heat like that saps the strength out of "normal" people and it really does a number on those of us of the pregnant persuasion.

Oh well, speaking of tired, I think it's about time to call it a night.

Love you!

Mommy

2007-07-23T20:25:00.001-04:00

Dear Benjamin,
Your father accompanied me on one of my regularly scheduled visits to the birth center today. You are doing just fine: heart rate is in the 140s, you're measuring normally (they measure my tummy to determine this), my blood pressure is absolutely fine, etc.

We actually got to see you a week or so ago. We had a "4-D" ultrasound performed, and although you were mostly hidden behind the placenta, we still got a few glimpses of your face. From what I could see, it would appear that you have my nose and perhaps your father's chin. We'll have to wait another two months, though, before we'll be able to tell for sure! What I could definitely see is that you have all your fingers and toes and that you're are absolutely a boy-child. (I have to admit, I was still a bit skeptical about your sex, considering what we went through earlier in the pregnancy.)

This past weekend your sister, your great-aunt, and I started painting the nursery. I'll need to do another coat, which I hope to get accomplished this coming weekend, and then we can begin setting up furniture. Everything furniture-wise has come in, with the exception of the dresser and the glider rocker. (That reminds me, I need to call about the rocker--it's about time for it to be here.) The baby shower is planned for August 19 and I would ideally like to have the nursery at least mostly together by then.

So let's see, what's going on with me at this point pregnancy-wise? Not much, I'm happy to report. I've had some Braxton-Hicks contractions, but those are completely normal, especially considering that you are my third pregnancy. I'm feeling pretty ginormous now, but in reality I'm not all that big, at least as far as my belly is concerned, simply because you're not all that big. The doctor who performed the ultrasound put you in the 29th percentile for your "age" (using measurements of your head, legs, etc. along with your due date to make the determination), which means that while you are absolutely within the normal range, you're on the small side. This is exciting news for me, for it seems reasonable to assume that a smallish baby will result in a not-so-painful birth. Yay!

So even though I feel huge and ungainly, and sometimes simply walking around takes a lot of effort, I am, for the most part, able to get around and function in an absolutely "normal" fashion. Sleeping is really my biggest challenge right now. First off, you tend to wake up just when I'm trying to doze off, and you move and turn and toss and kick and generally make it such that I can't relax due to all the activity in my abdomen. But then, once I am (we are) both finally asleep, getting and staying comfortable is an all night affair.

At this point I have two basic sleeping positions to choose from: right side sleeping or left side sleeping. I usually start out on my right side with one pillow under my head, another behind my back, and my long body pillow in front of me with one end between my knees and the other supplementing the pillow under my head. I normally stay in this position until either my hip and knee hurts enough to wake me up, or my ear gets so sore I can't stand it anymore. At that point I flip to the left side, which is pretty much a mirror image of right side sleeping except the back pillow is absent, staying instead in front me, under the body pillow. Again, I stay in this position until the hip, the knee, the ear, or all three at the same time, wake me up. Or until I wake up to go pee, which happens at least once, but here lately it's been more like two or three times, a night. Fun stuff. So while I am enjoying this pregnancy, I am definitely looking forward towards being able to sleep "all by myself" again, and in more than two positions.

Oh, so I think that we have once and for all decided on your middle name (note, though, I said "think"--this is still subject to change, but for now it's been decided): Radcliff. I'm not certain that is how Radcliff should be spelled. Your father will need to consult his family bible to determine that, but for now that's how I'll spell it. Radcliff is your father's paternal grandmother's maiden name. It was also your father's father's middle name.

I had previously decided that we wouldn't "do" family names, but Radcliff is OK because it has nothing to do with my family. See, my family is still pretty much around, and they all tend to want me to name you after them, so I obviously can't choose a name from my family because then someone will be upset that I chose, say, my father's name to give you instead of, oh, my uncle's or something. But your father's family is, unfortunately, mostly gone, so there isn't anyone who will be upset by our choosing Radcliff over someone else's name. And besides, Radcliff is, to me, an interesting name. It's unusual, yet not too much so. And it has a certain. . .sophistication to it. It's aristocratic and erudite and masculine. It has a definite snobbish undertone to it. Anyway, if it sticks--that is, if we don't end up changing our minds--I hope you like it. There's history to it, if nothing else.

Well, enough blogging for now. It's getting late. Time to get the pillows out and begin our nightly ritual!

Much love,
Mommy

2007-07-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

Dear Benjamin (I shall refer to you by your name now instead of as Blob, as you are much more baby than blob at this stage in the game),

Happy third trimester!

Yes, hard to believe, but we're going into the third and final trimester (hence the "tri" in trimester). Yesterday marked the beginning of the 27th week. Everything I've read says that were you to be born now you'd have a 90% change of surviving. Not that I want you to be born now, I hope that you will wait until you're fully cooked before trying to make your way out, but if you decide to come early I feel good knowing that you'll most likely be OK.

I'm actually feeling pretty good, all things considered. Sure, I've gained 20 lbs and that doesn't make me terribly happy, but 20 lbs in seven months isn't so bad (I think I gained close to 50 with your brother), and all in all I feel great.

Oh well, your father has cooked dinner and says it's time to eat. Goat cheese pizza, mmm-mmmmm! I'll write more later!

Love,
Mommy

2007-05-30T13:15:00.001-04:00

I haven't written in awhile and, because I'm extremely tired and don't feel like working at the moment, I thought I'd take a moment and make an entry in the blog. (Which I really need to change the name of since little Benjamin--and that is his name, but ssshhhhh, don't tell anyone--is certainly not very blob-like anymore. But I'll worry with that later.)

I am not tired because of pregnancy stuff, I'm tired because I stayed up until 2 a.m. reading last night. I was reading the book The Perfect Man: A Novel. It was, obviously (since I stayed up until 2 a.m. to finish it), a very good book. That's the problem I have with books though--if they're really, really good I want to do nothing but read, and I mean nothing. Not sleep, not work, not take care of chores, just read. Today, however, I am paying for my obsessive reading habit. Fortunately, I have to leave early to pick up Lizzie from school, so I can go home and catch a small nap before I have to take her to swim practice.

Pregnancy-wise how am I feeling? Actually, not too bad. I am certainly feeling pregnant now; that is, I feel big and bulky and reaching down to tie my shoes is already an ordeal. (Thank FSM for flip-flops and loafers!) But otherwise I feel OK physically. Not too tired, not too emotional, not overly sensitive to smells anymore, etc. All these hormones are making my skin look exceptionally horrible, but that's to be expected. Kinda like having PMS for days on end. But yeah, all things considered I am doing well, I think. I'm trying to swim at least three times a week; more if I can. Swimming is about the only exercise I do that doesn't make me feel like an awkward moose. I had to quit aerobics because of the step part--I just feel as though I don't have much coordination right now and, besides, it's too much of a chore maneuvering all this extra weight around. I was trying to walk, as well, at least three days a week, but I haven't done much of that lately for one reason or the other, and with the weather turning warm I am not likely to start back on any kind of regular basis (although it is good for Donald and when I don't walk he doesn't walk so I probably ought to walk just to get him up and active).

I wonder about Blob/Benjamin constantly now. How he's doing in there. What he's looking like. If everything is OK internally. (Please-oh-please don't let all that wine I drank before I knew I was pregnant matter!)

I saw a little boy at the pool this weekend--a toddler--with this mop of curly blond hair and I couldn't help but wonder: Will Benjamin have thick, curly hair in the manner of Donald's, or merely thick, straight as a stick hair, like mine? Will he be towheaded or will he share my mousy brown locks? Will he be sensitve and sweet, or will he be rough and tumble, banging his toys together and pow-powing everything with the guns he'll make from whatever object is available to him? Will he like to read, or eshew books as my other two have, despite the hours and hours I read to them when they were small? Will he be athletic and tall, or studious and stout? I can't wait to find these things out. I can't wait to meet him.

Yikes! I have a 2 p.m. meeting and it's now. . .2 p.m.!!!

Oh well, back to work!

2007-05-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Blob,
It's official, you're a BOY! (And you're not much of a Blob anymore, you are looking like a regular ol' baby these days, so I guess I need to maybe change my greeting to you.)

The doctor was wrong, wrong, wrong last time. You're not a Lillian or a Zoe, you are most certainly a Benjamin or a Simon!

I (we) had an ultrasound two days ago. You are 18 weeks along, and the doctor managed to get images that distinctly show which sex you are.

I have to admit, because I had been thinking of you for over a month as a girl that it was a bit of a shock to discover that you're a boy. I initially was preferring a boy, but then they said "girl" and so I started to get excited about that. So I'm having to get my head back around "boy" again.

I am, quite honestly, just happy that you appear to be a healthy baby. Your sex is really secondary to that.

The main reason to know what sex you are is to get started on the nursery. And to do that, tonight your father and I are going out to Babies R Us and looking around. I have to start by finding some kind of crib bedding I can tolerate. I haven't seen much online that I like, so I'm hoping that in person I will find something. From there we'll do furniture and paint walls and such. Exciting stuff!

I'll keep you posted.

Much love,
Mommy

2007-04-22T18:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Blob,

I felt you move for the first time this past Thursday night.

I was in class and you took my breath away with a kick or a punch or something. Twice you did this. Then you merely fluttered for a bit. Since then I have felt tiny little movements, mainly at night when I'm sitting still. The feeling is something akin to a bunch of little butterflies rustling around inside of my abdomen. I've been poking at you to see if I can get you to poke back the way you did on Thursday, but I've not gotten anything out of you yet. It's such a neat feeling to finally have you move around and announce your presence in such a tangible way. I am looking forward towards more of same, and especially when it becomes strong enough to share with your father.

It's been a long weekend for me: Your brother turned 17 on Friday and between his birthday and his prom that was held Saturday, it was quite a stressful time--the whole weekend as well as the week leading up to it all. Stressful for him because of the anxiety associated with the two events. Stressful for me because of the changes in his demeanor and behavior caused from all the anxiety. But it's finally Sunday and the two events have passed (we had the family over to celebrate today) and so maybe now I'll be able to get some rest.

Not this coming Tuesday, but the next Tuesday I'll go back to have one last ultrasound. I'm really looking forward to that, particularly because at that point we should be able to tell beyond a doubt what sex you are. As I believe I mentioned before, the doctor was fairly certain last time that you were a girl, but I have held off on buying any clothes or doing any decorating until I could know for sure. Lizzie keeps calling you her brother, despite what the doctor said! I believe that she is feeling a slight twinge of jealousy at the thought of having to surrender her status as the baby girl. I am not worried though--I know that no matter which sex you turn out to be, when you two finally meet you're going to love her so her so much, and she you, that she'll forget all about how worried she was at the thought of your arrival.

Much love,
Mommy

2007-03-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Blob,

We had another picture of you taken this past week. http://zeppmusi.vshost.com/Family/Baby/

Now that you're 12 weeks along you're really starting to look much more like a human baby than a blob. Might have to consider renaming the blog again, I guess!

The doc says that you appear to him to be a girl. He's not 100% certain, but all signs are pointing that way. I have to admit that I was sort of hoping you were a boy--mainly so that your sister wouldn't be more traumatized than she already is by all of this--but now that the idea of you being a girl has had a chance to sink in, I'm thrilled. Having had one of both already, I know the pros and cons of raising each sex and, truth be told, little girls are just easier. Plus they're fun to dress. :-)

So, I'm happy that you're going to be a girl--if that is, indeed, what you will be. Because there's still a chance that doc got it wrong, I'm not painting the nursery yet. We go back during the first part of May for one more scan and at that time he'll be able to tell for certain, so I'm holding off until then to buy, paint, or decorate anything.

Right now I think your name will be Lillian Grace.

I was going for Zoe to begin with, but there are just so many Zoe's, and Lillian, to me, is just so much more pretty and feminine.

Doc also says that everything looked really good as far as your overall health and well-being. The scan I had was to try to determine how high the risk is that you might have a birth defect such as Down's syndrome. I'll get the official lab reports back this week, but preliminary findings--that is, what he could see in the scan--indicate that all is well with you. I was glad to hear that because I do worry a little since I am an "older" mom and your father is much, much older than most typical new dads. But I think you're going to be fine.

Until next time,

Much love,

Mommy

2007-03-13T13:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Blob,

Nothing really new to report. Just had a few minutes and decided to write.

I stayed home today (Tuesday, March 13) because one of your sister's pet rats were sick and had to go to the vet. Turned out she (the rat) had a rather large tumor in her abdomen so the decision was made to euthanize her. I decided that it would not be ideal to tell your sister this news over the phone, so I chose to work at home so that I could meet her when she got off the bus this afternoon.

I'm so full of pregnancy hormones that I couldn't even stay in the room while they euthanized it. I just can't deal with anything like that right now. I mean, I wasn't especially close to the rat or anything, but the thought of having to put it to death just made me so sad I could hardly bear it. (I also react this way to sad news stories and movie plots. It's a pregnancy thing. When I was pregnant with Elizabeth I had to stop reading the paper for awhile because it upset me too much.)

I think, though, that overall I'm starting to get out of the first trimester "ick" and into the wonderful second trimester. My energy level still isn't up to par, but the food thing seems to abating. And I do have more energy than I did even a few weeks ago. I still have to force myself to go exercise, but that was the case even before I became pregnant!

I have to admit that sometimes I have a lot of self-doubt about whether or not getting pregnant was the right thing to do. I mean, there's William and Elizabeth, almost ready to tackle life on their own, and here I am starting completely over with another one. Of course, I had a lot of doubt when I was pregnant with them, as well, though for different reasons. And in the end, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Strange, really. I remember vividly when I was pregnant with your sister thinking to myself: How on earth am I going to be able to handle another child? How can I possibly love another child as much as I love William? But then she was born and my heart just opened up and all those doubts just flew right out the window. So now when I wonder how on earth I'm going to handle having another child, and when I worry that I'm all out of love capacity, I know it's normal, and that it's really very silly because as soon as you're here I know it's going to be impossible for me to remember a time when you weren't with me. Of course, this knowledge still doesn't keep the doubt and worry at bay. . .

So oh well, your forgetful brother forgot his tennis shoes that he needs for tennis practice today so I must go deliver them to him here in a moment. Lucky thing for him that I am home today, I guess.

Until next time,

I remain,

Yours truly,

Mommy

2007-03-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Blob,

We had our first visit at the Women's Birth & Wellness Center today. They examined me, asked me lots of questions, and listened to your heart beat. Everything was fine. We are both doing great. We go back in three weeks when I'll have to drink this awful orange gunk in order to test for gestational diabetes. (Because your brother and sister were large babies I have to undergo this test at 14 weeks.) I like the center a lot. They were all very friendly and even humored me my request to not know my weight.

So as far as the pregnancy stuff in general, I think that I may be getting over the nausea thing a bit, although I still have fairly strong likes and dislikes when it comes to food. Most of this is attributable to mood, though, and not so much feeling sick, as was the case a few weeks ago. Some of the things I like: chips, particularly cheetos, combos, and tortillas with salsa; bread; pasta; fruit, especially bananas and oranges; sweet potatoes; tomato soup; pizza; wheat thins; pickles; and all Mexican food. Some of the things I don't really like or do not sound appealing to me: steak; pork; cheese all by itself; salad; veal; chicken livers; shrimp; etc. Really anything "heavy" doesn't appeal to me. Dinner time has been challenging because while I'm generally ravenous during the day, I rarely feel hungry at night, making it difficult to plan dinner.

You are still making me extremely tired. Extremely. Dawg tired. I am hoping that this will soon pass. I'm not sure I can stand 7 more months of feeling this fatigued. It also isn't helping my exercise mission. Whenever I have time to take a walk or otherwise get some exercise, I just want to lie down and go to sleep. I have become one with the couch. I rarely stay awake much past 10 o'clock in the evening.

I'm also still sensitive to smells. I can't even wear my own perfume. Your dad cooked sausage the other weekend and I thought I would die. The lady who sits beside me at work likes some kind of hand lotion that turns my stomach. About a month ago I tried to carve up a pork roast after dinner and the smell made me feel so ill I had to go outside for a moment to clear my senses.

What other things are going on with me?

There's still the tender breast issue, but that's not going to change anytime soon. In fact, it'll probably get worse the bigger you--and they--get.

My waist has expanded a bit (though that could be due more to my new found desire for junk food than to your growth). Not enough for anyone to tell I'm pregnant, but enough that I don't even attempt to wear my "normal" slacks to work (except this one pair that is cut low and really comfy). Instead I wear these maternity pants I bought from Gap. They don't look like maternity pants at all as long as I leave my shirttail out. I can still wear my jeans, but only because they are made with that stretchy material.

Well I'm sleepy and tired of typing, so I think I'll call it a blog entry and take a quick nap before dinner (which is tomato soup and grilled cheese tonight).

Love you,
Mom

2007-02-23T19:51:00.000-05:00

I renamed my blog tonight. I thought that Blob Blog was more appropriate (not to mention alliterative), as that is my pet name for the little fetus floating around someplace in the depths of my abdomen. The name is based on our first ultrasound image taken at six weeks. The doctor told us that it little white area in the sea of black was a baby, but to the untrained eye it appears as nothing more than a little shadowy blob.

My Blob. Our baby.

The last time I posted things were still up the air regarding Blob's well-being, but since that post it has been determined that 1) there isn't an ectopic pregnancy and 2) this is definitely (at least as of this moment in time) a healthy, viable pregnancy.

I am now 8.5 weeks pregnant. According to pregnancyguideonline.com the following is occurring:

Elbows begin to form in the arms and fingers start to develop.
The leg buds begin to show feet with tiny notches for the toes.
The face continues to change as the ears, eyes and the tip of the nose appear.
The intestines start to form in the umbilical cord.
Teeth develop under the gums.

Exciting stuff!

And this is what that same site has to say about what is happening to me:

Your uterus is the size of an orange now, and you may find your waistline expanding. If this is your first pregnancy, you're probably not showing. If it's not your first, you may have a "pooch" already. You will tend to show earlier in subsequent pregnancies since your muscles and ligaments aren't so tight.
You may be feeling like a teenager if you find yourself with pimples and other skin problems. Don't fret ~ pregnancy causes an increase in oil secretions not to mention those rampant hormones! Your break-outs will go away either after the first trimester as your hormones level off or after delivery.

Man, are they right on the money with that! And add to it fatigue, nausea, and extraordinarily tender boobs. Fun, fun, fun.

I have not had any morning sickness, per se. But that merely means that while I have not actually vomited, I feel as though I could pretty much all day long. And already I feel like I've gained about 20 pounds because I eat all day long in a futile attempt to keep the nausea at bay. And since there are some foods that I can't stand to even think about without feeling ill, while there are others that I can't get enough of, I am not limiting my carb intake or otherwise limiting what I "can" and "can't" eat.* I'm going to be a sea cow, I just know it. But there's really nothing to do about it at this point, so I just try not to worry too much about it.

I'm sooooo tired. Unbelievably tired. I usually crash around 9 or 10 every night, which is completely unlike me. Unpregnant I'm quite the night owl. But pregnant me could sleep all night and all day and still be tired. No matter how early I go to sleep, I wake up tired. Exhausted. And I stay that way all day long. I just have no energy to do anything. I have to force myself to do basically anything that isn't sleep related.

I will be glad when this first trimester is over. I recall feeling pretty spunky during the second trimester with both William and Lizzie, so hopefully that's how this one will go, too. The third trimester is just miserable no matter what, there's no getting around it, and it'll be especially so for me since I'll be big and pregnant during the hottest months of the summer. All the more reason to look forward to, and appreciate, the second trimester.

This week, after interviewing a home birth midwife, consulting with a midwife who works under an OB practice in Cary, and touring the birthing center in Chapel Hill, I decided upon a prenatal caregive: the birthing center in Chapel Hill.

It was really a hard decision for me to make. And even though I've already made the appointment at the birthing center, I'm still doing a little internal waffling. I really wanted to try home birth. The whole idea of it really appeals to me: familiar surroundings, low stress, complete comfort. BUT no safety net. Well, other than an ambulance or a car trip to the hospital whereupon a complete stranger would take over my delivery. So I have settled on the birth center because it gives pretty much the best of both worlds. It has all the comforts of home birth (minus being in one's own home, of course) with the added benefit of hospital access, with the midwife in tow, if needed. Plus they do give some pain meds, if it comes to that (and that is, to be completely honest, a fairly big concern of mine since I tend to have enormous children).

I'm still considering finding the one midwife in this area that is certified to perform home births (all of the others are not certified--they're essentially doing it illegally), and who has a physician she works under who would be available in the event of an emergency or if hospital transport became necessary, and setting up a meeting with her. I certainly still have time. I have my prenatal vitamins and I am being seen by Dr. Deigan for ultrasounds and other testing, so I'm fine in that respect.

So maybe I will try to contact this woman and at least talk with her. Can't hurt, I suppose. And I can still keep the appointment in Chapel Hill.

Right now, though, it's nearly 9 p.m. and time to call it an evening.

I go back to Deigan on March 21 for some testing and a level-2 ultrasound. If I don't write before, I'll be sure to write then.

*Both lists change almost daily. Although chips and salsa remain steady as a favorite, and eggs stay at the top of my "oh-my-god-I-think-I'm-going-to-barf"list.

2007-01-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, damn, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!!!!

The !@#$ing ultrasound has managed to only compound, not alleviate, my worries.

Oh, there's a little black blob in my uterus, which initially sounds pretty positive. BUT said little blob didn't have any blood flow (could just be one of those things, the way it's positioned, etc., nothing to worry about, or it could mean that the fetus isn't growing) AND it was elongated instead of round (could just be the way he was pulling on me, the angle he was viewing it, nothing to worry about, or it could mean that the fetus isn't growing).

Fan-damn-tastic.

And because I ovulated three eggs, there is still the possibility that something else is lurking somewhere else, someplace it shouldn't be, in there. It's just too early to be able to tell. But there was some fluid around my left ovary, which could be nothing, could be blood from an ectopic pregnancy. . .

Blah, blah, blah.

Basically I know NOTHING, except that anything is possible, it would seem. Could be viably pregnant; might not be viably pregnant. Could have another tubal pregnancy, on top of whatever is in my uterus; might not have a tubal pregnancy.

And I don't go back until NEXT MONDAY!!

An entire seven days of waiting and worrying.

And I know full well it does me no good to worry, but what the hell else can I do? I can't drink, I can't smoke, and I can't even take my Wellbutrin! I can't think about anything besides this. And whatever is going on inside of me, it's causing my hormones to go crazy and I alternate between feeling overwhelmingly depressed and completely enraged.

I've never had these issues before. I've always just gotten pregnant and had a baby! Simple as that. No problems, no worries.

The hardest part of this is, of course, that I have absolutely no control over the situation at all. There's nothing I can do except sit and wait. And hope. And worry.

Shit!

I do know this: if this doesn't turn out to be a viable pregnancy, I'm not trying again. This is it. No more. I've tried and if I fail, I fail for good. I've got enough going on, I don't need this, I don't want this. Don't get me wrong, I want the baby, if there is a baby, but if there isn't, if it doesn't work out, I'm not going back through all of this again.

Decision made.

2007-01-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

Where did I leave off?

Something about the saga continues, I think.

I wasn't going to write anymore until this evening, because today at 4:30 I have an appointment to have an ultrasound to determine whether or not this new pregnancy is a viable one. But I'm so nervous about this afternoon I need to write. Get these jitters out and calm down a little.

Yep, pregnant again! Already. Wasn't even a month after the surgery, which isn't "good" because according to both Bhiwandi and the ultrasound doc I should wait from six weeks to three months before getting pregnant in order to let my innards heal. But you know, Bhiwandi said that she "cleaned out that tube" really well and there was nothing blocking it, nothing out of the ordinary, so based on that I guess I just pooh-poohed the whole notion that there was a valid, scientific reason to hold off. Not that I was trying to get pregnant again so fast, but rather that I wasn't not trying. Obviously I'm an extremely fertile creature.

I found out last. . .Tuesday? night that I was pregnant again. Took two tests, one that night and the other the next a.m. Failed both. (Or did I pass? I guess it all depends upon one's perspective.) I immediately went to see Dr. Deigan, the ultrasound specialist. He scanned me, but it was too early to see anything that day. Well, anything that would indicate where a fetus might be hanging out, that is. What he could see, though, was that I'd ovulated, from the side that was not operated on (a good thing), and that I had ovulated not just one egg but THREE!

Now this does not mean that I'm going to have triplets, necessarily (and hopefully), only that there is a chance that I could be pregnant with more than one fetus. Which is the second purpose of the scan this afternoon. (First purpose being to find out whether this is a "good" pregnancy, or if I'm going to have to go back through the hell I went through in December.)

I'm so nervous and anxious. I'm fearful that it will be another ectopic pregnancy, and I'm not sure that I could stand that again. I'd have to, I know, but I am hoping, hoping, hoping that's not the case.

C'mon 4:30. . .

2007-01-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

So last month I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. On the contrary, I had an IUD that had been working just fine since it was installed over two years ago. In fact, it was the IUD that I initially blamed for the missed period, since in the past I'd often either bled like a stuck pig or barely experienced anything at all during "that time," completely missing a period wasn't outside of the realm of IUD side effects. But when two weeks came and went and still nothing had happened, yet I had all the classic symptoms indicating that something should have been happening, I began to get suspicious. And worried.

One evening I just couldn't handle it anymore and I sent Donald to the store to get a pregnancy test. Naturally he got the least expensive one they had (not that they had much to choose from at Lowes Food, which is definitely NOT the place to go for such things). So when the little indicator window flashed the telltale '+' sign, I immediately blamed it on poor test quality and promptly sent him out for a "better" (i.e. one that would not result in a '+') brand. This time he came back with one of those fancy EPT tests that either say 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant' so that you don't have to get all bent out of shape wondering if the '+' is really a '+' and not just a '-' inside a poorly manufactured testing stick.

Of course, the EPT said, with no hesitation, 'pregnant.'

I spent that evening in tears. Panicking.

What would I do? My life as I knew it was going to end! My career was over! My children would hate me! And of course, the ultimate of horrors, I was going to get FAT(ter)!!

Fortunately things looked not so bleak the next morning when I rushed out the doctor's to confirm the findings. By that point, I was had almost reconciled myself to the idea. I was almost, sort of, kinda happy.

But my happiness was not long lasting.

The pregnancy was ectopic.

Another common "side effect" of having an IUD.

To make a long story somewhat short, I was ultrasounded (to create a verb) twice, given a shot of a chemotherapy drug, and instructed to give blood once every few days to ensure that my hCG levels were going down. But my hCG levels didn't go down, they went up, and on the day I was supposed to go to the doc's for another shot I experienced excruciating (or ecruciating, as mGma would say) pain accompanied by bleeding. Not good. Instead of having a second shot I ended up in the ER at Rex, where I was later admitted and prepped for surgery.

I was only there two days, but it seems like so much longer thinking back on it. Surgery, no matter what kind, is no fun. I always, without fail, get sick from the anethesia. And did I mention this all happened on December 21st? Yep, four days before Christmas. Not that there's ever a "good" time to have surgery, but the week before Christmas is a really, really bad time.

So. . .

No more pregnancy.

At least not then.

But the saga continues. . .